affirmations

The day started out great as I had brunch with one of my dear friends and we therapized each other as much as was needed by both of us. It was great. I had an awesome morning, then headed home to bake all the cupcakes for Will’s housewarming. I ended up making Strawberry Cream Cheese, Better Than Sex (the 2 he’d ordered) and then I threw in Cookies n Cream and Pumpkin Spice.

I cleaned my house, got everything I needed done, and then just as I was about to get into the shower – like standing naked in my bathroom – I heard my phone ring. It was The AA. He said that he was running later than expected because of his class meeting and kinda beat around the bush about me possibly meeting him in midtown instead of him driving all the way back to my place from downtown (where his study group met) and then back to midtown. He sensed how annoyed I was at this change of plans and said he’d be on his way soon.

So I got in the shower, started getting ready, all that. And when I went to my bedroom post-shower I saw that he’d called twice so I called him back.

“So I was thinking you could meet me in midtown and we could drive separately because I really can’t stay long, but I want to meet Will. That way you don’t have to leave when I do, so why don’t we meet by your old Starbucks?”

I fell silent. I was annoyed. Pissed even. This would be the first time I’ve had with him in 8 days, aside from our lunch Wednesday, and I was looking so forward to it.

“Oh,” I said, unable to hide how I felt.

“What do you think? Is that ok?”

“Ummm…I guess.” I tried to not be disappointed, but I was – plain and simple. I’d expected this to be our night together. And while I knew I probably wouldn’t stay at Will’s into the wee hours of the morning I was annoyed that he was already putting time limits on it. And I was even more disappointed that this very obviously meant he wouldn’t be coming home with me.

I had so much trouble hiding how disappointed I was, but I tried not to be a spoiled brat and agreed to meet him closer to Will’s house.

“You’re so upset,” he said when he first saw me. And he was right. I’d been fighting back the tears since he’d called. It was all these fears that Tranny Chris gave me resurfacing. There was probably a girl he wanted to see more than me. I probably wasn’t good enough. He didn’t like me. I’d done something to turn him off. I was amazed as I drove to midtown to meet him that I wasn’t more anxious.

“I’m not mad,” I told him, barely able to look him in the eye.

“Disappointed then.”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Barista, I’m sorry. I really wanted to meet Will and to see you and when I committed to this I didn’t realize how much I had to do.”

We drove to Will’s and on the way there I got a text from The Canadian telling me that maybe he was just tired and I should just enjoy it and have a good time. And when I told him this he said, “Tell her thank you.” And I dropped the attitude and entered Will’s place like nothing had happened.

I introduced him to everyone as my friend, The AA, because that seemed like the right way to do it. And I was totally impressed by how well he did on his own as I chatted with some of my old friends. I’d missed these guys!

We stayed about 2 hours before he said he was ready to go, so we did. But not before I made all kinds of people do cupcake tastings at the dining room table. It was fun. And Will’s new place is amaaaaazing! Soooo beautiful!

We left and when we got back to the Starbucks where I’d left my car we sat there for a minute, facing each other. He grabbed my hand and held it as he spoke. “I don’t know what you were thinking about tonight, but I’m really trying to balance everything I need to do. And seeing you.”

“I don’t want to be making you a priority if I’m just an option.”

“Ok, well that bothers me. Because I don’t see you as an option at all. I love spending time with you. This is just such a busy time for me and I really wanted to meet Will and spend time with you, but I also have some things I have to get done.”

“It just kinda scared me when you called.”

“What scared you? Talk to me. I know my words will never be as much of a force as my actions, but tell me how you felt so I can understand.”

I melted as he opened up, told me how much he likes me and likes spending time with me, all while stroking my hand with his fingers. It wasn’t Tranny Chris’s way of trying to get out of something, but rather a mature man trying to make sure he doesn’t upset me and dealing with what we’re faced with. He turned to look at me while he talked, he told me how much he loves spending time with me and apologized for being in such a time while we’re getting to know each other.

“I’m sorry I’m so busy right now,” he said. “December 9th I’ll be done with exams.”

“We should go to the beach!” I half-joked, half wanted. Ok, so I ALL wanted, but I made it a joke. “We are a product of our experiences, but I never want to hold the past against anyone in the present.”

“But it’s inevitable,” he said. “I like you. I like the time we spend together and I want you to be comfortable. I’m sorry things are like this right now, but please don’t take it to mean that I’m not in this.”

My fingers stroked his hand back the way his was doing mine. “Ok, I believe you,” and while the words were hard I meant them. He was opening up and I felt it.

“I want to kiss you now,” he told me and I immediately got shy, looking anywhere bit at him.

“Why are you smiling like that!?”

“I like you. This is why.”

“Why?”

“Because I like who you are. And there are so many different pieces. Can I kiss you now”

I put my hands between my knees, totally got shy and looked away.

He laughed. “You really are shy! And I really want to kiss you right now.”

I looked at him for a second and looked away again, feeling so nervous like it was or first kiss all over again. He touched my chin softly like he was hesitant but knew what he wanted.

And when he kissed me I lost all worry, all fear, all sense of uncomfort. His lips on mine….wow. We kissed for a minute and it made us both a little more excited than we were supposed to be.

“I want to come home with you. I do.”

“I know,” I looked over at him and kissed him again. The feelings were so strong as his mouth was on mine, his lips softly caressing mine, the passion igniting.

“Oh how I want to come home with you!” He said and I kissed him again, then turned to look at The AA.

“I want you to, too. But I want you to want to come because you want to, not because of the kiss.”

“You’re so smart, Barista.” And who was I kidding!? I wanted to lay next to him. I wanted to feel his soft hands and warm body next to me. I wanted him so badly.

“Good night. Drive safely,” I told him as we stared into the other’s eyes.

“Yes, please let me know you got home safely, ok?” I leaned over and kissed him again, then reach for the door and got out. “You’re a big tease!”

I drove home feeling giddy, so glad that he’d taken the time to talk about everything. I couldn’t doubt his words because he hasn’t give me reason to. He’s not Tranny Chris. He’s The African Accountant, the one who wants to talk when I’m upset and figure things out. He never once accused me of being needy or wanting too much. He just wanted to calm my fears. He wanted to make sure I was ok and that I knew where he was standing.

I guess this is how grown-ups do it.

kissing some more

I can’t believe 8 days have already passed since the first kiss. And I only can’t believe it because I haven’t kissed him since. Obviously it’s pretty expected now…at least for me. I expect to feel those lips on mine over and over again tonight.

I’m not going to drink too much, I hope, as I don’t really want to feel like crap tomorrow. I also want to coherently remember every little thing that happens tonight. I want to be able to add it to my falling in love story without cloudiness or all kinds of vague ideas about the way I think it went down.

This morning I was lying in bed thinking about the possibility of him staying the night, being able to feel him close to me all night long. As of right now I don’t know that it will happen, I don’t expect it by any means, and if it does we will NOT be having sex. Alex and I have already rehearsed this scene, so I’m very well-equipped to deal with it should it come up.

But anyway, I was lying in bed thinking about feeling his warmth close to me, his hands on my legs and arms….this wasn’t a sexual fantasy, more just me day-dreaming about the closeness. But it made me so tingly just thinking about it, about him. That’s a good sign to me after the huge blow that took place in my sexual desire since starting the anti-anxiety drugs. I knew after all of our kissing last Friday that I could at least get excited – and boy, was I! – but to have it happen just thinking about him made me very happy.

I’m off to shower and get ready for tonight. I can only hope it’s as great as I think it will be!

desperately need to shop

I slept in till 8 this morning, which felt like a dream come true. Of course I did get up at 430 to take a whiny Mox outside, which was annoying, but I knew if I did that she’d let me sleep past 6. When we came back in I was going to let her stay in the bed with me and Cuddles, but she doesn’t understand yet that my bed is not a simply a change of venue and bigger ring for Royal Rumble. Cuddles and I quickly got annoyed with her, as she attacked both of us – me with kisses and him by just trying to lay on top of him and bite him, and she was sent back to her crate.

When I got out of bed I was greeted with the most gorgeous day! I felt ready to get started, although I still had 2 hours to kill before heading to Buckhead to have brunch with Becky. I’ve missed her, so I look forward to some girl time.

Afterwards I’ll come back home to start making the cupcakes for Will’s party tonight. He ordered Better Than Sex and Strawberry Cream Cheese, but I think I’m going to make a few additional flavors to take, as I have another damn variety pack I agreed to do for Sunday so I might as well make a variety now and split them up.

I just went through my closet and tore it apart trying to find something cute to wear tonight. Sad fact is I have nothing but cute summer clothes and a bazillion sweaters. I felt defeated and I have no idea what to wear tonight. And I can’t really afford a shopping trip, so I’m going to have to make do with something I have in there. Who knows what it will be. Probably not the usual adorable Gracey wear and likely something boring. Boo.

if only….

…Chris and I were still together. We could get both of our needs met in one location with things we both love…. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

I couldn’t find the cupcakes, but I imagine they are over the top!

falling in love in Spanish

The AA and I had a great conversation last night. Wait….did you know I’m crazy about him? Ok, good. On with it, then.

I felt like hell yesterday, but spending the day talking to my favorite auditor about all kinds of activist-ish stuff made me able to push through the work day and not retreat back to my bed. I’m sure it also helped that Allison pretty much forced me to take the Tylenol severe cold syrup. Peer pressure is a motha.

I love that The Auditor recognized me as a safe place just by spending a few hours with me, and as I heard him opening up I loved it. We talked about so many things I’m passionate about in between reviewing the stuff he was auditing and he re-fueled my inner activist. I love this guy.

My afternoon was further beautified by a visit from The AA. I’d gotten some pie (for free) with my lunch at Honeybaked Ham, so I gave it to him. I think it would have been perfect with some of my homemade butter pecan ice cream. I love feeding my boy! Makes me so happy.

As per uj, he looked completely adorable when he came to visit. I am so attracted to him it’s almost silly. He’s such a beautiful man….that smile, the body I love, the way we look into each others’ eyes in silence. It’s lovely. We emailed each other the rest of the day and each was cuter than the previous. I got a lot done, surprisingly, in between the giddy readings and responses.

When we talked last night, first via text, he told me that he wished he was here. Ahhh…hearing that was such a joy to me. I need to hear these things from time to time. I need to be reminded of how much he likes me because yeah – I’m needy like that. It was a cute conversation and got even cuter when we talked on the phone. But it was funny to me that our conversations via text are so much more open about how we feel and our phone conversation was a bit more….ummm…innocent, sweet, friendly. I mean obviously it’s easier to say things via text, but I just think it’s cute that we both get kinda shy.

The texting continued a little after we got off the phone, but when he called me “my friend” I got a little annoyed. He’d called me this at least 3 times yesterday and I was over it. And via text I can say whatever, so I told him I didn’t like him calling me that because I want to be more than his friend. I fell asleep shortly after sending that message and when I woke up this morning I saw his response…”How about amigo? Is that better?” was the first text and I laughed. Second text “I was joking….Barista….but you are a true friend…and we are more than friends..”

All I needed to know. I mean, I knew it, but all I needed to hear.

I’m so looking forward to seeing Will, Now-Husband and the boys tomorrow night. And The AA keeps telling me how excited he is about going and meeting them. I told him last night that Will is gay and as I expected it was no big deal to him. I wasn’t afraid to tell him, it just hadn’t come out because there wasn’t really a place in the conversation to talk about someone else’s sexuality. It wasn’t necessary, in my opinion. And last night it just flowed through our conversation. It wasn’t like I had to say “Hey, I need to tell you something” like I may be making it sound.

He’s awesome. And tomorrow he gets to meet my Atlanta family. How exciting is that!

facebook hell again

While drinking my coffee this morning I read the following facebook status update: “Muslims killing American Soldiers on our own land! Maybe it’s time we gather them all up and send them in the direction they pray!”

I hadn’t turned on the morning news yet, so I didn’t know what was going on, but this comment didn’t sit well with me. And then, as I listened to the report, it made me even more upset. I will admit, before writing this, that I have NOT done all my research and I’m going off of what I heard on the news this morning and nothing more….

BUT do people not pay attention to the fact that this dude was 39 years old, had been in the military for 21 years, was raised in Virginia and was not considered to be an extremist? So because of his name he’s assumed to be a terrorist… He can’t just be some dude who went crazy? Were you ready to send all the Irish back to Ireland after McVeigh went crazy? I already know the answer. No, you weren’t.

Americans go crazy – here and abroad – all the frickin time. People go crazy, they do crazy things. How can you be so ignorant as to put it on the whole religious group just because of his name? Has it even been confirmed that he’s Muslim? Oh wait, you tried to do the same thing to the man who is now our president, didn’t you?

Wake up, jackasses. And stop spreading so much damn hatred!

This is one reason I hate facebook. While in a way I’m glad to know who the real idiots are, and they inevitably show their true colors, I get all kinds of worked up when I read shit like this….and even more so in knowing that I’ve accepted this “friend request” from someone who is so totally ridiculous and closed-minded.

really? I mean…really?!

I cannot. Believe. That. My. Downstairs. Neighbor. Just. Came. And asked. Me. To. Go. Inside. To. Talk. To. My. Boy.

I’m sorry, but reallllly!? I was NOT that loud. And I’m kinda annoyed. I truly can’t believe it.

I mean, I get headlights shining in all night long. The dog barks when he hears crazy shit. And this dude just came outside to tell me he could hear me in his bedroom?

I came inside, annoyed, because I am nice like that. I’m too tired to argue, too astonished to believe that unless he had his windows open he could hear ANYTHING at 11:30 pm. It’s not like it was 2 am. Jeez. I’m annoyed.

Really?!

Whatever.

If I did this all the time, I could maybe understand…but once? No way. I wonder if he’s gonna come tell me he can hear me typing now. Jeez.

the Will & Gracey story

It was the summer of 2004, Ex-Husband and I had split for the first time because it was the end of our arranged marriage. No real sadness here, was pretty much a given. And I had a huge crush on my personal trainer (super hot!!) so I was at peace with it all.

Because of said trainer I decided to throw a divorce party I themed a Fiesta and called it Freedom Fiesta 2004. The whole purpose was to get to know my trainer outside of the gym, but it turned into a little bit more than I expected.

The trainer came and brought his cousin with him. I generally prefer dark-skinned men, so when I saw the cousin I pretty much blew him off. He kinda looked a little too pretty, so I figured he was a dick. But later in the night we started talking and totally connected. I thought he was pretty damn awesome by the end of the night.

Over the next few months we met weekly for lunch, emailed daily and I had the hugest crush on this man who seemed to be the male version of me. We just seemed to get each other in a way I’d never experienced.

Two months after meeting the cousin Ex-Husband came to me and told me he was madly in love with me (his words, not mine) and that he couldn’t live without me. He wanted us to get back together and really be together this time, not like before. I was totally conflicted. I’d been madly in love with Ex-Husband for years and he’d always told me “this is just an arrangement. We will never be together.” No matter what I did he stuck to those words and I could do noting but believe him.

And then there was the cousin, Will, who I’d connected with in this amazing way, but I’d never told him I had this huge crush on him. I didn’t know what to do, so one day while Will and I were having lunch I told him my dilemma…in my eyes giving him the chance to stop me, because I really did want to give my marriage a chance but if I could be with Will…well, that would make everything different.

Will encouraged me to give it a shot, so I took this as lack of interest and Ex-Husband moved back in. Over the next 3 months I continued my lunches with Will, we still talked daily through long, deep emails and I still was mad about him.

Being with Ex-Husband was weird this time around. I’d grown so used to him telling me constantly that we’d never be together and warding off most of my affection….and suddenly I had this man who wanted to sit next to me and cuddle while watching tv, he did super sweet things for me, he loved me. But I was still crazy about Will.

Ex-Husband and I started trying to have a baby and my body said no way to that. I didn’t ovulate so we bought ovulation predictor kits, I took my temperature daily, I visited specialists. All the while still having my heart wrapped into the idea of Will.

Then, 5 months after I’d met Will he told me he was bisexual. This reaffirmed in my heart that I needed to be wit Ex-Husband and I stopped resisting him, freed myself of loving Will and tried to concentrate on my marriage and having a baby. It was too late, though. I’d successfully pushed Ex-Husband away for too long, and that argument about the money I talked about yesterday sealed my fate.

Will was there for me when Ex-Husband and I broke up. We grew closer through the upcoming months as I divorced, had my WLS and made mistake upon mistake with many a man. Will was always there. Willl was there when Tranny Chris happened. He was there when those pieces had to be picked up and put back together. He was always there. And I loved him in such a different way – as the greatest friend I’d ever had.

The Tranny Chris break-up sent me into a crazy spiral that need not be repeated ever, so suffice to say I was fucked up. I got into some really bad shit, cut everyone off, started dating The Alcoholic. The thing I remember most about Will during this time was as much as I tried to distance myself from everyone who would talk sense into me I stayed honest with him and he pushed his way back in. I was so grateful to him for that because while I was going through the depths of hell I always heard his voice.

And he knew things with He Alcoholic were bad before I ever did, telling me to listen to the Fergie song “Big Girls Don’t Cry.” On my trip to visit the fam in DC with The Alcoholic I played it over and over, alternating between that song and “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood. I vividly remember The Alcoholic being pissed about me playing these 2 songs over and over the whole time we were there because he knew the significance of both.

When things went cuh-ray-zee with The Alcoholic I went to stay at Will’s house, just as I’d done when the shit hit the fan with Tranny Chris. I’ll never forget Will’s words to me that second time. “You’ve now let two men run you out of your own home. Enough is enough!” And he was right. He convinced me to write my landlord, and former almost-boyfriend, a letter asking to get out of my lease so I could move in with him. We’d be like the real Will and Gracey! And my landlord was pleased to let me out, so the following month Will came to my midtown condo and helped me pack it up and move into his guest room.

Neither of us had lived with anyone in years, aside from some of my crazy boyfriends…but neither of us had had roommates, so it was new. But aside from a few snags it worked. I loved Will like I never had before. He was the bestest friend anyone could ever ask for.

I only remember one real fight. Yeah, we got annoyed with each other, but neither of us are very confrontational and for the most part, the first 7 months or so, we spent our evenings drinking Starbucks, talking about boys and smoking weed. It was great.

Will met his now husband in May of the following year and little by little there was some drifting apart. But relationships change when people get into relationships, and it was around this same time that I lost the best job I’d ever (damn lay-offs!) had and decided to take some time off to write the book.

I spent my days on the Starbucks patio, where I was working part-time and finding myself a little more, and he spent the nights with his Now-Husband (I love saying that because it’s so powerful to me that they were actually able to get married!!!).

In September I told him I’d be moving out the following month to start a nannying gig with Kate, a good friend of mine. I was so scared to tell him, but it turned out that he was ready for Now-Husband to move in, so it worked out perfectly.

To be honest, I often miss the old Will and Grace. The fun we had at the pool tannng. The nights of randomly deciding we wanted Starbucks at 10:30pm, sitting in the office and talking about our boy problems. But at the same time I looove Now-Husband. I love that My Will fell in love. I’ve just been a little jealous and felt it created a rift in our relationship because I was a step behind him.

Over the past year since I moved out I’ve seen Will way less than I’d like. Our relationship has completely changed. Sometimes I miss the old us, but I know this is part of growing up. I see him less than once a month, whereas I used to see him every day. We still talk via text, mostly IM, but it’s not the same.

And now as I prepare to introduce him to the man I’m crazy about it kinda scares me. I know Will just wants what’s best for me, and so I want the 2 to love each other. I want The AA to love Will. I want Will to love The AA. And while I know Will would love anyone who treats me right, I really want his approval. I want to know that I’m doing the right thing. I want his vibe to be nothing but positive.

A lot of times I miss My Will, the one I came home and talked to about everything, who talked to me about everything. I miss sitting in that office, smoking the blunts and talking about our failed man-dealings. I miss him so much sometimes.

But knowing he’s happy, knowing he’s still there no matter what we go through, has to be enough at this juncture. As hard as it is some days. As hard as it is to not have him close – here all the time to be my rock – I know that he’s happy and that gets me through. I know the person he makes me be….with his brutal honesty that sometimes hurts my feelings and his nonchalant ways. He’s still My Will. And I still love him.

i’m not slacking! i’m sick!

I felt wayyy better yesterday than I do today. My boss and I both came back today and it didn’t take long for him to come to my desk and tell me to go home if I wasn’t up to being here. But I pushed on through the coughing and headache and sore throat. I cannot tell a lie…I really just wanted to talk to the auditor more. I love him. And he’s only here till tomorrow.

But as I’ve been sitting here coughing up a storm and trying to analyze some spreadsheets through the pounding in my temple I’ve wondered if this was the best idea. At this point I figure I should be productive and at least write a blog.

I’m thankful for one of my favorite baristas telling me at lunch today that I shouldn’t work out while I’m sick. Guess that buys me till Monday, because you can’t very well start going to the gym on a Friday. Saturday’s way busy. Ok, maybe Sunday. I’m going to listen to Alex – trust me. It’s just a matter of when……….

be honest….

Would you name your kid Chester?

Do you think of what I think of when you hear this name?

I kid you not – I was just reviewing some client information and saw that a woman in her 40s had kids named Chester and Shirley. Unfortunately she didn’t list their birthdates, but really the oldest these kids could be is like 28 – scientfically. Realistically they are probably in their teens. Very, very odd to me.

the winner

I swear I didn’t want to win the bet, unless just by a few points. There’s nothing I want more than for my sweet African Accountant to be successful. I’d never hope for anything more. The bet was that he had to get a 96 on his tax exam, and the confidence he had made me think he was totally going to nail it.

And I didn’t care who won because the way I saw it, other than bragging rights, I would win either way. The only prize was who had to pay for dinner. Easy. So either way it meant a night with him, looking cute and a good meal. No worries.

Yesterday he reminded me to get my concession speech ready and then we proceeded to talk all kinds of shit to each other, as we do. I think these bets we make are a highlight for both of us. I sat all day hoping for a 94 for him so that I could let him have it AND he’d have his A.

But instead when I got his text after he got the exam back I knew I’d won. And by a landslide!! Which sucks for him, but it is what it is. I tried not to gloat too much, but I did. And when he called me after class I gave him a ton of shit about it. He laughed and asked if the Theraflu was making me high. Trust me, I’d know if it could get me high. I’m just funny.

“Hey, wait a minute!” He said out of nowhere. “Didn’t this whole bet come about because you were going to help me with the tax stuff?”. Tax is one of my loves – crazy, I know, and it was totally how the bet started wayyy back before we had anything going on.

“Yup. But you never reached out for the assistance of the master. I can’t just transfer all my knowledge into your head, you know.”

“So this is kinda your fault…”

“Don’t even! You lost, deal with it.”

“Ok, ok. And I really do appreciate all the support you’ve given me. That book! I can’t even tell you how much that helped!”

“I’m glad it helped,” I said, brushing it off. He’s always so appreciative of anything I do and it makes me a little shy.

He went on to tell me how tired he is from all the studying and working and school, and how he can’t wait to be done so he can get a better job, make more money, take vacations and send money home.

And I froze for a second upon hearing the words “send money home.” I flashed back to nearly 5 years ago….the argument that ultimately was the demise of my marriage. I’ve only told a few people about this because, frankly, I was the biggest asshole…and I’m embarrassed by it now.

We were in Michigan to attend my grandfather’s funeral. Forgive me, but it was one of the funnest weeks ever as The Canadian, her husband Kip (my rival), Ex-Husband and I sat in the parking lot of the funeral home for hours making jokes about my dead grandpa. From the outside we were such asses, but my sis and I were never close to my grandfather, so we were only there to support Pastor Mom. We didn’t like him, his only role in our lives the cards we’d receive for our birthdays. He loved our brother, though, so I think we were bitter about that. So there’s that….and the fact that he never really was great to my mom either. He wasn’t a bad guy, just disconnected and didn’t really care about any of us. So his death was kinda a non-issue for me and The Canadian….and we now had a car full of 4 smart asses so the jokes were out of control. It was, I’m sorry, super fun.

But one night while we were up there Ex-Husband and I got into a big fight. And by big fight I really mean I threw the biggest little girl fit you ever could have seen. Why? Well, he’d told me he wanted to send his sister money to take the GMAT…a measly $250. Ex-Husband sending money home wasn’t anything new. He’d been doing it every month for the entire time I knew him. It was budgeted in. But this was in addition and I guess I’m just a way bigger asshole than I ever imagined. The reason I was pissed – I wanted a new Kate Spade purse. And I can still hear the words I spewed at him in my head. Hateful, selfish, materialistic, uncaring. Here he was trying to help his family and I was pitching a fit because I wanted a new purse. It wasn’t like I didn’t have tons of them already. I was just being a spoiled brat.

He refused to argue with me, and that was that. Less than a month later he was gone. And I can’t even blame him. I was that ridiculous back then.

So when I heard The AA say that about sending money home I didn’t get upset, per se, as I used to with Ex-Husband. I just flashed back and felt a teensy bit anxious about how much of an ass I was. Obviously I learned a very important lesson, and have grown up a ton since then. It really just sparked the memory. I have since apologized to Ex-Husband for how horrible I was, and luckily he’s such a great guy that he’s forgiven me. He really is an amazing man, and I haven’t done him justice in my words and probably never will be able to.

The AA’s birthday is Monday, so I sent his sister a text asking her to help me figure out what to do. She responded that she was happy to have someone to help her, so I’m sure when we talk today we’ll be able to come up with something good.

I’m looking forward to this Saturday when he will meet Will and the boys. I know they will all love each other and I’m excited to finally be bringing someone home to meet them! I don’t think I ever have before. I know Will would love anyone who is good to me, but it’s so important to me that he actually like him, not just accept him. And vice versa.

smile again…beacuse it’s what I do!

“Moxie didn’t earn a treat,” The Dog Walker told me when she returned this afternoon with my babies.

“She didn’t?”

“Nope, but Cuddles did.” She went into the kitchen after taking off their leashes and dug into the box to get him his biscuit. “No!” I heard her say loudly. “Moxie stole his treat!” She said, sounding alarmed.

I laughed. “Yeah, you gotta be careful with that one. She’s a little thief.”

“It’s ok. I still gave him one.” She walked out, looking at my horribly stained carpet (thanks, pups). “My mom can clean your carpet for you if you want. She has a carpet cleaner.”

“Oh really? That would be great! Ask her how much.”

“Ok.” She wandered back into the living room and stopped in front of one of the bookcases. “You have a big library!” I loved her for calling my book collection a library.

“Yeah, I love books. Do you like to read?”

“Yes. I read a lot.”

“That’s great!” I immediately got to thinking about buying her a book, since it’s always my gift of choice and because when I find out a child loves books it makes me so happy. That’s why my niece has gotten nothing but books from me for xmas for at least 9 of her 13 years now.

“I read Twilight,” she said pointing at the stack on the top shelf containing the first 3 books of the series. “I haven’t read Eclipse or New Moon, though.”

“Do you want to borrow New Moon? You just have to make sure to bring it back.”

She looked thrilled. “Yes, please! What’s it about?”

“I’m not going to tell you that!” I handed her the book and picked up needy lil Mox.

“Ughhh! Why won’t anyone tell me?”

“Because it will ruin the book! Just read it!”

“Ok, fine. I’ll ask my mom about the carpet. Do you want me to come back and tell you?”

“Or you can just tell me tomorrow or if you see me outside tonight.”

“Ok, bye Cuddles!” She petted him and kissed his head, then reached out and did the same to Moxie. “Thanks for the book!” She said as she shut the door.

“Thank you, sweetie!” I stood there holding Moxie and smiling to myself about how great this whole little dog walking thing was. The girl is so damn sweet, loves my babies and loves being able to walk them. It warmed my heart. She was doing such a good job!

And I could tell they loved her and loved getting out for a nice long walk during the day when I was supposed to be at work. This was perfect for everyone.

One thing Alex told me today that I forgot to mention (conveniently, maybe) was that I MUST get on the treadmill every single day. “It will help all this angst you’re feeling,” he told me. And when Alex talks, I listen. I missed spin class because I wasn’t at work tonight, but now I have no choice but to go to the gym because I know he will hold me accountable. And, after all, I wouldn’t be paying him if I weren’t trying to get healthy. Like for real, for real. To him that means physically, too. Especially because it so greatly contributes to the emotional health.

So yeah, I’ll shave my legs and pack my gym bag for tomorrow. Hold me accountable, please! I already took the gym bag out of the closet, so there are no excuses to be had at this point, right?

One other thing I learned from The AA today is that if I want something I can ask for it and he will usually oblige. I admit, I want him to ask more, but it’s almost like he feels a little shy about it. I remember that day over a month ago when he stood at my desk and said, “Sooo… Let me ask you something. What are you doing this weekend?” This was before our first date.

I rambled off my to-do list and he just nodded and said ok. Nothing more, but it was obvious he wanted to ask for more. Later that day he asked me to hang out through email and we did. Today when I was at his desk he said, “It’s almost lunch time have you eaten?”

“No, I haven’t. Have you?”

“Nope.”. And that was it. He didn’t say anything else.

“Do you want to go get lunch?”

“Yeah, I think it’s time for a break!” He never asked, but he opened it up. It was like he wanted me to do it. And while I want him to do it, maybe I need to compromise on that with him, because he’s never really turned me down. Maybe I’m intimidating to him. Hahahhaha! Funny, right? But I am the older woman.

Lunch was great, and he told me – without me even asking again – that he’d be coming with me to Will’s house warming party Saturday night. This made me verrrrry happy. Part of the reason I’d broken down Monday night was because when I’d asked him if he was coming with me he’d told me that he might have a study group that he’d have to go to. On a Saturday night? I was hurt. So when he brought it up I was more than pleased. I really want him to meet Will, but I also guess that means I should tell him a little more about what to expect that night.

I fell in love with him all over again today as I sat across from him over the lunch he bought feeling giddy. He was so sweet, so worried about how I was feeling, his eyes smiling at me. I loved him all over again.

I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to remember what it felt like to taste those lips. I wanted to be close to him. And not just because he looked so cute – he always does! And not just because he was so worried about how I felt. But because I wanted to be close to him. Period. Because being near him makes me so fucking happy.

releasing the insanity

I took Alex some cupcakes this morning – pumpkin spice and cookies n cream. Because I needed a last-minute appointment I had to go to his Marietta office, which I’ve only been to once or twice in the past 5 years. I was sitting in the waiting room about to pee myself but I didn’t know where the bathroom was, so I waited till he came to get me, handed him the cupcakes and he pointed across the hall.

When I came back into his office I saw him with half a cupcake in his hand, his eyes wide, looking up at me like he was in heaven. And he proceeded to rave about it for the next 2 minutes. I was beyond thrilled.

“I was worried when I got your message,” he told me.

“Oh, I was afraid of that. I’m sorry if it sounded too urgent.”

“No, it didn’t sound urgent at all, I just knew something must be up for you to say you wanted to come in so last-minute and to any location at any time.”

“Well, yeah something happened. I freaked out,” I began. He started typing furiously.

“Ok, what happened?”

I told him about how wonderful Thursday night was and how beyond wonderful Friday night was. And then how Sunday I started to panic, wondering why The AA didn’t want to drop everything and spend all his time with me. The panic attack, the freaking out Monday morning and considering calling it all off and then the cry-fest Monday night.

“I needed to come see you while I was in the middle of it so we could really dig into it,” I said.

“Ok, let’s talk about the kiss first.” And I gushed, told him all about the night and how it went down. “You know, Barista, this is really healthy behavior for you and I think you need to celebrate that victory. You found yourself in freak-out mode and you called me, you talked to Will and The Canadian and Allison, you didn’t stop writing. Those are great steps.”

He went on to ask me what I was telling myself when I was freaking out and here’s what we came up with: 1 – when he gets to know me he won’t like me
2 – we kissed, why aren’t we now planning the wedding (yes, exaggeration here) 3 – why isn’t he dropping things to hang out with me

And this time, in what had to be my best session ever with Alex, we went through some cognitive something or other to reframe my thinking when I catch myself saying these things to myself.

He role played a conversation with The AA and told me why I shouldn’t say certain things and helped me to think about doing better work to make me the strongest me I can be (didn’t mean for that to rhyme, but deal).

I left his office feeling a million times better. It was exactly what I needed. Oh, and when he interrupted me at one point to ask “Are those cookies n cream?” as he nodded toward the cupcakes and we tangented off on those for a second it made me happy. I love when people like my cupcakes!

I stopped at the office on my way home to check with the auditor to see if he needed anything and then went upstairs to see the sweet AA for a minute. We talked for a bit, then went to lunch together. And that was the second thing I totally needed today. My head hurt, I was coughing a little, but seeing him made me feel sooo much better. There was NOTHING to worry about. And my silly little head almost ruined something so precious. Let that be another lesson!

beauty

I love the view from my apartment.

look!

See what I saw at Kroger last night?!

I can’t wait to do an eggnog cupcake! I’m thinking a spicey nutmeg rum cake with eggnog rum frosting. Yum.

the cold of fall

I was in bed a little after 9 last night, slept till 6 this morning, but could have stayed in bed longer. In fact, I’d love to go back to bed right now. But instead I’m up, have walked the pups and coughed up a bunch of gross stuff. But no fever, so that’s a good sign, eh?

Waking up to see 3 texts I’d missed from The AA last night made me smile. The last one said he would bring me orange juice and theraflu and to let him know when I wake up because he’d be up late. This was just after midnight. I kinda love him for that. Of course I wouldn’t have let him, but the thought was kind.

Today he finds out what he got on his tax exam, which is the subject of our first bet made well over a month ago. I hope he did well, but maybe just under the 94 he has to get for me to lose. Like a 92 would be fine…still an A, but I win. I like winning.

I’m going to see Alex this morning to talk myself through the crazy. Then I may go into work or I may come back and camp out in my bed a little longer. We’ll see. I’d like to go in even if just for a little while, but I also hate when people come to work when they aren’t feeling well so I don’t want to be one of those people. That’s probably how I got sick in the first place.

My sister in law begged me to ship her mom some cupcakes for her birthday so I agreed, but trust me – this will be the last time I do it. It’s kinda a huge pain in the ass. We decided to ship the frosting in bags separately so they don’t become the mess I sent to my aunt, but packaging up 2 dozen cupcakes isn’t easy, let me tell you!

I sketched out my plots for the book last night, and I’m so glad I did that. Now I have direction. I even started writing, but I haven’t sent it to MS Word yet (still on the blackberry) so I can’t update my word count on nanowrimo. I’ll do that tonight, though.

My boss just sent me an email saying I should probably stay home today. I’m going to hit up the office, in my tracksuit, after I go see Alex just to make sure the auditor doesn’t need anything from me. Then I’m going to try to sleep this off with some more Theraflu.

back to regularly sceduled un-crazy

I’m feeling much better – emotionally – after spending the afternoon in bed with my friend Theraflu. The cold has gotten worse, though, which sucks ass. But I’d rather feel sick than crazy. Amen.

I’m seeing Alex in the morning and hopefully that will help me really reign in this fear and emotional turmoil. I am pretty sure it will, as just being able to talk to a few people today has already helped tremendously. I often forget that there are more people available when I need them than I think about in the moment. I’ve always been so quick to isolate myself and just revert into my head, which can never be a good thing.

Which really just reiterates to me the importance of expanding my network of friends. I think it may be time for church. Jesiis I can’t believe I just said that, or that I mean it. But now that I have a seemingly decent amount of peace with my own beliefs I feel like I might be able to take that on. It will have to be non-denom, mulit-cultural, very diverse, accepting of everyone. That’s what I need, I think, so it will be my next round of exploration.

And tomorrow’s spin class should help, too. The lady at work came to me Monday and said she couldn’t do Tuesday, which worked out well with me feeling so crappy today, so we agreed to go tomorrow instead, so I’m determined to feel better before then so I can do just that.

I need to increase my physical and spiritual activity. That’s the plan.

Last night I bought a little book to help me in writing the book, and before my little breakdown I fully intended to sit down and do my first 2000 words. After the breakdown everything seemed impossible, but I read a little of the book while lying in bed before knocking out this afternoon and I think it will be quite helpful in developing my story.

The Dog Walker came while I was sleeping today and I woke up to hear “Lay down, Cuddles” over and over again and then the door slamming. 30 minutes later she returned and they barked for about 2 minutes after she left, then got quiet. I talked to her later and she said that they did great, that they both did what they needed to do and seemed to be so happy to be out in the daylight. This pleased me immensely.

And then she asked for more money. I laughed out loud. $20/week instead. Were they that difficult or was she testing me? I told her we could re-evaluate after a month and she said that she wanted to buy a new parrot, that’s why she wanted more money. “We’ll have to see about that.”

I’m looking forward to getting to bed early with my new friend Theraflu there for the ride. At least my bed won’t be empty!

The guy who is doing my audit sat with me this morning while I was still at work and I love him. He’s totally gay and trying not to be, but I guess yesterday when I mentioned how liberal I am made him feel way more comfortable. He didn’t completely out himself, but in our conversations I could totally tell. And I love him. Love him. Funny that while I was talking to him I considered the idea of moving….of living somewhere else. Crazy because I totally love Atlanta.

See? I’m gonna be ok. I had a few rough days – and no little white happy pills today! – but imma be ok. I just got scared. And I really, really like this guy so I don’t want him to reject me and that’s scary. But I’ll be fine.

Thank you all for your nice comments and the phone calls and to The Canadian and Allison and College Roomie and Will for making sure I was ok today. It’s more appreciated than I know how to express.

pink holidays

I think I ned this pink xmas tree I saw at Borders last night. I’ll drive the getaway jeep if you’ll haul it.

drop-kicked

Wow.

The emotions are overwhelming right now.

And because of this breakdown I’ve made some realizations.

I need more friends. People who live close by, I can trust and someone I can call when I feel like I did last night and they’ll hightail their ass over here with a big hug and a healthy dose of reality….delivered kindly.

I need more faith.

Sleep helps. Wine does not.

It’s going to be hard no matter when/who it happens with, so I have to push on and deal.

I heard back from Alex – finally – and have an appointment with him tomorrow morning. I might just take the day off because I have a feeling I’ll be crying through this session and don’t know that I’ll look pretty enough to go to work afterwards.

I woke up this morning with the puffiest eyes, a sore throat, stuffed up, head throbbing, feeling like death and looking 10 times worse. I keep finding tear-soaked, mascara stained tissues around my apartment. And I’m trying to figure out if I’m going to work. On one hand I think it will be better to not be here alone in my head, on the other hand I think I’m getting sick and that’s exacerbating the horrible feeling.

I don’t normally feel this emotionally weak, and even if I do I don’t usually share it. There’s something scary about putting it here, but it’s my reality and if I’m supposed to be real then you get the good and the bad, no?

Asking my friends, family, whoever for help is one of the hardest things for me. I need to get over this as well.

i hate myself for loving you

Do you know how sick it makes me to think that being in a crappy relationship with a douche is so much easier than this?

Crappy douche guy leaves you….and well, he was crappy. And douchey. It isn’t a reflection on me then, right?

Nice guy who is honest and sweet and kind and does the right thing leaves me? Reflection on me.

That’s Ex-Husband.

I’m crying my eyes out now that I’m home. Sobbing. Like a little girl. I’m sad and hurt, ignoring text messages so I can keep sobbing and wiping the mascara from my face.

I’m angry….at the ones who’ve hurt me and made it harder to trust the nice one.

I’m angry at myself for not being able to pick myself up and – as Babs said – snap out of it. I suck. I’m a wounded bird. I can’t take a strong, wonderful man. I need someone as fucked up as I am so I don’t have to feel insecure.

And I am ignoring his texts and I don’t want him to call. I’m too fucked up. I’m not ready for someone nice. He doesn’t have time to be as reassuring as I need right now. He wants a strong woman, thinks I am! My, how I’ve fooled him.

And fucking Alex. Why hasn’t he responded to my message. Didn’t he get the urgency of it all? Didn’t he see how badly I need him right now? I’m alone and scared and freaking myself out. Because I think he’s that awesome. And I know I’m not.

I haven’t felt like this in years. It’s scary. And yeah, I’d love to snap out of it, but I don’t. Know. How. Ok!? And if you don’t like it don’t read it. I’m fucking scared.