teef

I hate going to the dentist when I know it’s going to cost me $8 bazillion dollars. Especially after the financial fiasco this week. The last thing I want to do is give up the pennies in me purse. And I pretty much never understand why I have to wait when I make an appointment….doctor, dentist, hair people, waxers, whatever. It’s an appointment because it’s supposed to be at a certain time. No?

Funny that as I was growing up I worked in a doctor’s office….from age 12-16…and this doctor was the slowest mofo in the world because he talked to his patients too much. If your appointment was at noon you would be lucky to see him by 3. And everyone loved him so they’d wait. In addition to that nonsense you had to wait 6-9 months to get an appointment because he was the only dermatologist in the city. So when I moved to Tampa and made my first appointment to see a doctor and they asked me when I wanted to come in I already had my calendar turned to 3 months down the road. “How far in advance are you booking?” I asked.

“We can’t get you in until Wednesday, I’m afraid.” It was Monday. I laughed out loud. And I’ve been spoiled ever since.

Just saw the dentist and luckily it’s only a crown I need. I mean it’s still $600, but it’s not $6000 so I can’t be upset.

The AA invited me to dinner – cooked by him – tonight. I shaved my legs.

O!M!G!

Two of the funniest things ever today:

This

and

This

fml

Yesterday was quite possibly the worst day ever. I woke up feeling like hell, hadn’t made the cupcakes for the office luncheon so I had to do it before going to work, was supposed to go to work early and instead got there late. And that was just before 9.

After settling in at work I checked my bank account online, as I do from time to time, and almost threw up when I saw an enormously negative number. WTF!? Investigation showed that I’d sent my car payment twice. Are you fucking kidding me? I use my debit card for all kinds of small purchases – like $3.03 at sbux and $1.22 at Panera – so the extra car payment woulda been less of a concern if the fucking bank had deducted those small charges first, but nooooo they take the biggest one first so they can hit you with fees on 15 tiny transactions instead of one. Fuck. Me.

Oh yeah, they did.

I was so stressed I couldn’t see straight. My head was spinning. I didn’t know what to do.

After lunch The AA came to visit for a few minutes – the first time I’ve seen him since Sunday night – and he picked up on something not being ok right away. I changed the subject by telling him stories of The Dog Walker, hoping he’d stop asking me to talk about what was bothering me. But he kept up, saying that he knew there was something I needed to talk about so we’d talk later. I was glad to see him go. I just wasn’t feeling it today. There was too much fucked up in my head.

He sent me a text while I was sitting in my 2.5 hour afternoon meeting, but I didn’t respond till I’d left work. Then he immediately sent me another asking if I’d left yet. I knew that meant he wanted to talk and I was really trying to avoid this conversation at all cost. There are just some things I don’t want to talk about, and my finances are one of those things. I waited for an hour or so and then told him I’d just finished dinner and was about to go have drinks with a friend. Truth was I’d finished dinner and was about to go escape my life by cuddling up in the safety of my bed.

It worked. I slept 10 hours, waking up once to respond to a text from The AA telling me goodnight and another time to take Moxie outside. Even after 10 hours of sleep it was hard to get out of the fluffiness and start my day today, but I already feel slightly better than I did yesterday. Slightly.

thank you for my outfit

Recently I found a Home Depot giftcard in my drawer. Since I threw away all my xmas decor when I left my house I now have to buy everything, so I thought this would be perfect and went online to check my balance. I’ll be able to buy $0.21 worth of xmas decorations. Lol

Instead I went to Michaels and bought some crafty sale items so I can have something I enjoy doing as well as a little xmas spirit in me house. Glorious. I want to do it all tonight, but I’ll probably wait till the weekend.

I just threw dinner in the over – a whole chicken stuffed with onion, garlic, celery and fresh thyme, rosemary and sage, surrounded by onions, celery, red potatoes, fresh parsley and more garlic, a tiny bit of white wine and some butter in the bottom of the roasting pan and then fully seasoned the outside with one of those chicken grill mixes. I figured that would be easier and faster than my usual custom blend. I’m already super excited about eating it and it won’t be done for another 2 hours-ish.

Also on the agenda for tonight is a crapton of pumpkin spice cupcakes for tomorrow’s Thanksgiving feast at work. Of course I’m bringing cupcakes – what else would I bring!?

Yes, I watch The Hills and The City religiously. I hate Spencer, like the rest of the world, think Audrina is a total moron but I get what it’s like to be stupid about a man…and haven’t we all fell in love with a Justin-like character?, can’t stand Kristin. I do like Lo and I always liked Lauren and wish she hadn’t left.

On The City I have an odd fascination when it comes to Roxy, especially after seeing her on Brothers and Sisters and finding out that her mom and dad are also on the latter show. I don’t love her, think she’s dirty and just not showing it completely yet. Kellly scares the crap outta me and if I worked for her I’m sure I’d cry on a daily basis, despite the fact that I’ve never once cried at work (unless you count the day Ex-Husband sent me the email at work telling me he was leaving….yeah, but that doesn’t count). I would never let anyone see me cry at work and seriously can’t stand any woman who lets tears fall in the office unless someone either died or left them (I’m biased on the 2nd, of course). Funny thing is I recently went back to early 2006 in my blog and read about my old co-worker, The Crazy Crier. Oh boy, that was drama I’d completely forgotten, so I had a great laugh.

“Heavenly Father, thank you for my lovely husband, who I love so much. Thank you for this meal. Thank you for my outfit. Thank you for everything you’ve done. Amen.”

LMAO!!!! Heidi is a fucking triiiip!!!!!

Thank you for my outfit!? Hey, at least she kept it real. Lol. I love it.

crunchy lunch

So here I was enjoying my delicious lunch (as seen below) of french onion soup and a club sandwich from Jason’s Deli when I bit into what felt like a rock. It didn’t hurt, per se, it was just super hard and obviously weird. So I fish out the foreign object….and find half of my tooth. Niiiiiiice. I didn’t even feel it break, nothing hurts, it’s just half a tooth in the back now. And you know damn well I can’t keep my tongue off that shit now. Annoying.

When I called the dentist she said “Ok, so Friday at 3:00 and it’s your front tooth that’s broken?”

“My what? Ummm no. It’s in the back. I don’t think I’d be waiting till Friday if it were my front tooth. That would certainly be an emergency.” Can you even imagine!? I can’t.

Thank god for flex spending accounts.

This french onion soup was mighty good.

mmmm...meat!

perfectly peppermint

I started to feel extra blah after talking to Will this morning. My mood quite somber, melancholy, just plain ick. And the period hasn’t even arrived yet, which is totally annoying. Like just get here already so i can be done with you! But no.

So I decided I needed a pick-me-up and drove across the street to Starbucks. I didn’t know what I wanted, except to smile, and this is what I told the barista. I’m generally not a fan of lattes, I prefer cappuccinos or my daily doubleshot on ice…the stronger the coffee taste the better, in my opinion. And since having that pumpkin spice latte on the day of its debut for the season I haven’t wanted another. It just wasn’t what I’d fallen in love with. But I wanted something sweet, something rich, something to make me feel a little happier today.

I ended up getting a 1/2 caf quad grande 2 pump mocha, 2 pump peppermint, nonfat Peppermint Mocha. The syrup alteration is necessary, as the recipe calls for 4 pumps of each mocha and peppermint, which is waayyyy too much. It’s delicious. Espresso taste is strong enough, chocolate and peppermint perfectly balanced. And being surrounded by all the holiday what-not up in the store made me feel a teensy bit brighter. A teensy bit.

My mood picked up a little more when I started planning my dinner tonight – an herb roasted chicken with potatoes, carrots, onions, celery, etc. Perfectly fall. Perfectly delicious. And there would be enough left over to make a nice soup later.

And in true Barista fashion it’s evident today that my bad mood will dictate lots and lots of writing. Because that’s how I roll, yo.

over it?

“Sounds like you are over the boy,” Will told me this morning.

Am I over the boy? Hmmm…

I’m feeling a bit disconnected. Not over it, per se, but not excited. Not sure anymore. Not really as interested as I was.

You know when you get to that point when little things start to bother you? I’m kinda there. I don’t mean little things that matter, I mean little stupid shit…like “Ughhh…are you really asking about my dogs again?” Two months ago this was precious because I was all up in love with the idea of him. Now I’m kinda blah about it all.

I didn’t feel super blah while I was talking to him last night. I wasn’t annoyed, wasn’t as disconnected…I enjoyed it as I usually do. I still liked him. I still do now, don’t get me wrong. I think I’m just on the ultra-cautious end of things right now. I’m not going to make a whole lot of effort, but I’m also not going to cut him off or anything. I guess I’m just kinda playing it cool for now.

The age thing wasn’t a bother for me until Sunday night when the confusion happened – the whole “let’s slow down” and get to know each other and then trying to have sex. That was a very young move in my opinion. And now I’m starting to think the young guy thing just isn’t going to work. He’s just 26, after all. I’m about to be 33 in a month. We’re at different places in life. We likely want totally different things on different timelines.

I don’t know. The confusion is still running high, but it is what it is and I don’t really have it in me to worry about it right now.

life is good

Tonight’s dinner at the office because our regional staff for the BD is in town was a low country boil. Ummm….fucking delicious. I ate so much I had to take a walk after. Shrimp, crab legs, sausage, 1/2 a potato. I skipped the corn, ate a piece of the roll I grabbed, which would have been wayyy better heated.

3 glasses of Menage a Trois wine, which I finally found out is a combo of Zinfandel, Cabarnet and Merlot – delish! Prob my favorite red wine ever.

Now home in my cute and super comfy new jammies.

My neck just cracked.

Refilled my daily anti-anxiety – yay.

Watching last week’s episode of Accidentally on Purpose in my new jammies. Have I ever said how much I looooove Jenna Elfman? I do. I wish Darma and Greg would come back. I always secretly wanted to be Darma. And find my Greg.

I would loooove to live in San Fran.

My facebook friend who is in the office this week told my boss this morning that he should let me go out into the field and do audits. I don’t know that I’ve ever said this here, but it’s my dream and I tell my boss this every chance I have to throw it in without sounding like I want to abandon him. Nice thing is he also manages the audit department.

I only need an investment of about $5k to make my cupcake dreams a reality. Sounds like pennies, right? I don’t have it, so it sounds like millions to me. Do you think there are investors who would give up a measly $5k to make my dream come true?

I had a totally craptastic day, but it ended well. I almost didn’t go to the dinner because I was in such a foul mood. I’m so glad I did.

My gut is telling me right now that things probably aren’t going to work with The AA. And while I’m a teensy bit sad at the idea of losing a prospective baby daddy, I think it’s time I grow up and date some older men.

Not to say I don’t still like him, I’m just having second thoughts about it and I’m ok with that right now.

I feel more relaxed right now than I have all day. Wine? Maybe. Jammies? Likely. They’re that important to me. That wonderful. I’m going back to Target tomorrow to get more. Never underestimate the power of the jam.

I bought chewnola bones for my pups tonight. They love them. And it keeps silly Moxie from eating shoes. I will buy them every day if I must. And today I found my same hot pink stilletos online, so I’m a-ok. I like her again. A little.

My next project – a banana pudding cupcake. Sounds yummy, no?

The chick who takes my order at Panera every day totally hit on me today. Not the first time, but today was even more obvious than the others. She asked me to wear my glasses again soon because she thinks it’s cute. I was mortified and considered never going back.

The Dog Walker just stopped by. She said that she wants to walk them 4 times a day. I told her that I can’t afford to pay her that much to which she replied “Well, it sounds like you need to work harder and work your way up to making more money.”

I couldn’t agree more, but the fact of the matter is I don’t. Make more money, I mean. But she was a good laugh.

It will always be the little things that make me smile.

pansy ass

I’m a sensitive sort. So to get my feelings a little hurt at work today was really just the icing on the cake of my crappy morning.

After my 3 hour meeting I decided I needed to go to Target and treat myself to some new jammies. New jammies always make me feel better. Always. And when I got there it seemed Target wanted to treat me to a sale, so I got them for $10. Score. I was so happy I bought some new thongs, too. It made for a happier mood, that’s for sure.

Now I just need to go find another pair of my favorite hot pink patent peep-toes that I planned to wear today until I discovered that most favoritest dog in the world used as chewing practice. That’s 2 pair in 2 days. I’m tempted to shave off all her fur and make her ugly right now.

little stuff

It’s the littlest, simple stuff that makes me happy.

gross

I’m tired, have a headache and it’s period week. I’d love to crawl back in bed and hibernate under my covers for the day without any distractions of work or pups or cupcakes. I hate the emotional ups and downs of this week and miss the days when I didn’t give a shit about anything. It’s easier to shut off in those times. I’m good at shutting off.

I’m uninspired by work right now, annoyed by all the blogs I read where the people have gotten book deals in the past few weeks, don’t want to see or talk to The AA. It’s a blah moment. One where I just want to be alone.

bad, bad dog

The Dog Walker came up to me as I was getting home last night and helped me carry up my groceries. This girl is too funny. I asked her if she would walk them twice on Tuesday because I have a dinner to go to and didn’t want to have to rush home. She agreed and then proceeded to tell me that she has 3 days off of school next week so she’d like to walk them twice a day. Sounds good to me! “So how much are you going to pay me?” She proceeded to negotiate with me, trying to squeeze out every little penny she could.

I agreed to pay her $2 every time she walks them, but that was after much fighting from her. She wanted like $50, she told me, because she’s saving up to buy a monkey. A monkey! What!? Lol. She’s so funny.

Speaking of pups, Moxie decided to chew one of my shoes last night. I don’t know why she suddenly decided that her toys weren’t good enough, but I now have one less cute pink Kenneth Cole sandal. Bitch. I never had a problem with Cuddles chewing stuff and even Mox hasn’t done it till now. I think she just wants to be my enemy. Success there, I’d say.

I only have one cupcake order this week, but I have 8 dozen for next week….all for Tuesday and Wednesday. And of course none of the flavors overlap. Wouldn’t that figure. I’m not complaining – don’t get me wrong.

mint cookies n cream cupcakes

I looooove the combo of chocolate and mint. And this time I used mint oreos for the frosting, chocolate cupcakes with chocolate bavarian cream filling.

They’d be even better with some of that chocolate mint Bailey’s in the frosting…or even in the filling.

my, how young

Today the regional staff of my company were all in the office for the week. I’d never met any of them, except maybe 3 people, but 1 I’d never met was my facebook friend. He always calls me a “ball buster”, which I think is hilarious because I’m really not. I just knew he was the type that could handle my shit, so I passed it out.

When I met him for the first time today he hugged me and told me that I look way younger in person than I do on facebook. Really!? I was kinda shocked by this. Flattered, yes. I mean, it’s way better than being told you look older or fatter or uglier. Younger? Hmmm ok!

I was a little standoffish with The AA today, feeling slightly uncomfortable with the happenings of this weekend. Not upset, as I said earlier, but just really confused. And thankfully I was busy enough to make my standoffedness ok. I don’t think he even picked up on it, as when he called me right after work tonight he sounded completely the same and I just told him today was a busy day. All good. Ok, so that was me being a little gamey, but they always want a challenge, right? Good enough.

It doesn’t change how good he felt last night or the fact that I do still want him, but I am definitely taking a step back from the situation. I don’t plan to make an issue of anything, disconnect or get attitude, I just plan to allow my business to be my concentration for now.

And I don’t think that’s a bad thing. He has a lot going on. I have a lot going on. And I don’t want to stall progress for love, as is a habit of my past. I want to continue on and let…oh you know…que sera, sera. That’s ok. And not gamey, but focused. I’m going to be more deliberate with him instead of practically aching for him at every moment. I think the new way is much healthier, no?

big puff

Can you believe how big she’s gotten!? This is my sweet Ms. Moxie with a little glimpse of Cuddles in the back. This was post bath and blow-dry when she was ultra soft and fluffy.

No matter how much I complain about the puppy crap I really do love Ms. Moxie, or Mama, or Moxaroo, or Ms. Moxington, depending on the day and my cuteness factor.

if you’re hungry….

…and looking for something to make for dinner I suggest you check this out. YUMMMM-O!

i heart xmas music

So the screen on my ipod has a mind of its own. Meaning sometimes it comes on, most times it doesn’t. For this reason I’m stuck with either the playlist I name 1a so that it would stay at the top and I could navigate to it without seeing, or the random play. Today I chose random play and a xmas song just came on. Yay! I think it might be like Nsync or something, but it’s still xmas music so I don’t give a damn. Problem is, now I want to listen to nothing but xmas music, but I can’t get to that playlist! Balls.

Stupid ipod.

unconfuse me

To say I’m confused at this point would be a total downplaying of everything. I don’t know that I even want to write about it before talking to him, but at the same time I don’t really plan to talk to him this time.

On Friday he mentioned slowing down, and it bothered me in the moment but as I thought about it Saturday and Sunday I came to think he was right. No need to rush anything, it’s ok to keep getting to know each other slowly. I was on that same page, no longer worried about it. I was hearing what The Canadian had told me via email the other day, what Alex had told me about moving too quickly in my head, and I agreed with all of them.

Easy enough, right? Nope.

So yesterday after a great day with Will, Now-Husband and 2 of their friends, good food, tons of wine and great conversation, we headed back to the burbs so he could drop me off at home. And this is where everything got confused again. I was wearing a short skirt and somehow….I don’t quite remember how it happened….but somehow his hand ended up finding its way up my skirt. As he drove his fingers caressed my soaking wet girl parts…and I let him. I wasn’t sure what was happening…I mean – why? But I went with it because it felt so great.

We got to my place, took the dogs for a walk, then I let him read what I’d wrote about Friday night. He’s been asking to read some stuff kinda a lot lately, so I figured I’d go ahead and let him. When he finished he told me what a great writer I am (duh) and then started kissing me, while pushing me backwards toward my bedroom.

Things got all kinds of hot in my bed, and I can’t lie – I wanted it. Him. It was so hard to hold back. I didn’t know he had this kind of aggressiveness in him and it made me loopy. I wanted so badly to just say fuck it and do it. But there were 2 problems – 1) I knew he had to leave and I wasn’t about to give it up if he wasn’t staying the night, and I told him this. And 2….well, the conversation we had next in the heat of the moment…

He was on top of me, felt sooo good bt-dubs, and he stopped, looked down at me and said “Barista, do you have a boyfriend?”

“No.”

“You don’t?” What the fuck?

“No, are you trying to be my boyfriend?” I figured maybe this was his way in. I was wrong.

“No. What do you call this?”

“Huh?” This was ultra confusing.

“This. What do you call it?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know. But I do know that we’re not having sex until we’ve decided to be in a committed relationship.” He told me he understood and that he liked that I was thinking that way.

We got back to teetering on the edge of actually going for the gold as he kissed me more, his hands all over my body, my hands on his. But it wasn’t going to happen. I’d been serious about that and I needed him to see that I was a woman of my word. I wanted to say fuck it…and, well, fuck it. But I knew that would send the wrong message and this boy isn’t getting the milk for free. Sorry.
But my question is this – WHAT THE FUCK!? This seems like all kinds of mixed messages to me. I mean, I know I at least have like 50%, ok cool. And I acknowledge that reading what I wrote Friday probably fueled his desire, pushed him to thinking he could get some whereas before he may have been unsure. But for the first time this all felt kinda gamey. And I’m trying to avoid gamey with him so instead I’m just all kindsa confused about what’s going on.

I’m not upset. I’m not jumping off ledges. I’m just really confused by the events of yesterday. Really confused.

The update is I talked to Will and he reminded me that yesterday someone asked me how long we’ve been together and I apparently made it VERY clear that we are NOT. Will said he was quiet as I stressed that we’re not together and he’s not my boyfriend. So maybe this sparked the odd question in the heat of the moment. I’m so not sure.

I like being sure.

Saturday’s outing

After finishing the cupcakes for the baby shower, I set out to visit the cake store to stock up on supplies – boxes mainly. I could spend hours in that store. It’s awesome.

Baby Shower Cupcakes Part 1

Baby Shower Cupcakes Part 2

Baby Shower Cupcakes Part 3

Once I was sufficiently stocked with boxes for my holiday orders I headed to Splatters in Alpharetta to paint the mug for the boy…but it didn’t quite work out as planned.

Splatters

They didn’t have any mugs that were sufficient for painting for a man. There was a dainty little teacup mug perfect for your grandmother, some huge soup-size mugs that would be good for some of my delicious French Onion, and then a whole plethora of regular mugs that would have been perfect had they not all said MOM on them. Da hell?! So I decided to make him an ice cream bowl instead. Whatevs. I thought it was a good idea until he told me yesterday that he doesn’t really eat that much ice cream, completely opposite of what he’d told me a couple weeks ago, but ok.

The studio

Some xmas items, but overall a piss poor selection

My work space

Ice Cream bowl

Monogram

as opposed to 27

the flag - my good god it's hard to paint a flag like this on a bowl!

scared and sure

I woke up in the middle of the night and it startled me to see him there in my bed. He looked so good – the dark brown of his skin such a contrast to the soft pink sheets and all white comforter that surrounds me as I sleep. I wanted to reach out and touch him.

He woke up then, surely because he heard the dog barking from his crate in the kitchen, and hearing his voice made me want to be closer to him instead of on my own side of the bed. He looked so warm, his voice so deep, his body covered only by boxers, a white tank and the softness of my bedding. I wanted to cuddle up next to him, to feel him wrap his delicious body around me, but instead all I could hear was the barking dog.

We got up then to take the dogs for a walk, then back into the warmth of my bed. It had surprised me to wake up without my pants on, but I quickly squeezed my inner muscles to see if anything had happened that I’d missed. Thankfully it hadn’t.

I felt self-conscious then, for I wasn’t wearing a bra, I hadn’t shaved my legs, hadn’t fully prepared for him to actually stay the night finally. I turned over on my side and backed up into him, wanted him even more as I felt the wetness between my thighs growing as I remembered the way he’d kissed my breasts the night before….before I’d fallen asleep. Feeling his body so close to mine was making it hard to resist, hard to not turn over and make him mine.

We fell back asleep, but my sleep wasn’t as sound as his. I’d pulled myself from his arms and moved over onto my stomach. I alternated between sleeping and looking over at him sleeping next to me. He looked so sweet, so peaceful, so beautiful. I wanted to kiss him, to run my hands over all of his beautiful body. I wanted him, but I knew after hearing that we needed to slow things down the night before that I couldn’t be free with myself. And so I tried to sleep instead. I tried to enjoy the moment next to him. I tried to quiet the longing in my thighs that was screaming at me from below.

And I was successful, but only because he was sleeping so soundly. I wanted to protect him, to shield him from the noise of the bad ass pups. I didn’t want him to wake up. I wanted him to sleep and feel great when he woke up. I wanted him to feel like everything was perfect. I always wanted him to feel like everything was perfect, but I never wanted to choreograph anything. It should be perfect all on its own, right.

My sleep was fitful, alternating between wanting to make sure he was comfortable and desiring so badly to feel him. How could I not. I’m a woman, after all. And I had to wait for him to want me, I couldn’t want him more.

And then I remembered that the night before I’d cried. I remembered the tear that fell down the right side of my face as he suggested that we slow things down. I remembered the scared feeling of that moment and willed myself back to sleep. The anxiety surrounding my openness with him was a little too much right then. I couldn’t be that vulnerable. How could I have let him see that!? He had to think I was a damn fool. That’s how I felt. How could I have shown so much emotion when he was telling me it wasn’t time to be emotional. Mortified, I was, so I tried to just think about how wonderful he felt next to me and push the negative, scary thoughts out of my head.

When he finally woke up I was relieved that he was ready to leave. I wanted him to leave. I didn’t have breakfast to cook, as I hadn’t been prepared for this night. I hadn’t cleaned up, I hadn’t had the opportunity to make sure everything was perfect, so him leaving was the best I could hope for. And I had a lot to do that day. There were commitments and plans that I needed to take care of without the stress of trying to make sure his smile didn’t stop shining upon me.

I breathed a sigh of relief after hugging him and shutting the door behind him. This whole thing was scary to me. So slow, so deliberate, so intimidating. I’m certain it would have been easier if I’d just thought he wanted sex. I didn’t want that, but I knew it would have made it easier for me to not be so wrapped up in being sure.

“We need to slow this down.” The words reverberated in my head and I alternated between agreeing with him and wondering why as I baked the first of the 4 dozen cupcakes. Why wouldn’t he want things to progress? Why would he want to move even slower than it already seemed we were. The self-consciousness kicked in again and I tried busying myself by baking the baby shower cupcakes and not thinking about him. I got lost in my work, my passion. I forgot all fear and vulnerability and just concentrated on the task at hand. It was easy at that moment.

And I always want it to be easy. I always want to be comfortable and make sure he is, also. I want to not worry every step of the way. I want to be free to express myself and know that he can as well. And yet I still wanted to feel him, to be close to him, to get lost in that soft touch and the infinite gratitude that he exhibits.