more marriage whining

I don’t know what’s going on, but my husband has barely spoken to me in 3 days. We made an agreement during our last “discussion” that we would talk about anything that bothers us in an effort to make the lines of communication better. This time it’s bothering me like crazy that he hasn’t spoken to me or come near me in 3 days, but I refuse to bring it up because he’s acting like nothing’s wrong.
Today I showed him a picture I’d just framed of the 2 of us at Christmas. I said “I miss that” and he asked what I was talking about. I miss us being happy…that’s all. We were having fun then. Now it’s like a chore to be in the same room. I don’t know what the deal is. He didn’t say anything. I said “Are we still in love?” and he said yes, then looked back at the TV.
Is this what love is like? It’s not how I imagined it would be. I’ve gotta get out of this house for a few hours.
It’s pissing me off. I don’t like being stupid about this kind of shit and taking it personally, but I must’ve done something to make him feel this way. Must be relating to money.
The other day I was wearing some of the new sexy underwear…actually it was the same day I wrote about before…the pink. Well when I got home I felt totally sexy and started kinda flirting/playing around with him. Then I made a critical mistake. I said, “Damn, these new panties and bra really make me feel sexy. They were worth $112!” He froze. I didn’t realize it until I was crawling up next to him kissing his neck, and I noticed that he was kinda staring off into space. He looked at me, “$112?” with a big frown on his face.
Just 2 weeks ago we “discussed” for over 3 hours how our sex life needs to improve. Most of it resulting from my feelings of insecurity, but I committed to myself that day that I would do anything I could to make it better. That’s my job…to make my relationship work. So then to make an effort to feel sexier to try to get into it more…and have it work for me…then for him to completely not even notice because of the mention of money.
That was the last time (Wednesday night) that we had any sort of contact with each other. He is walking around here cleaning everything. Totally uncharacteristic. Yet he won’t say anything to me.
So I have been writing. And smoking. Not a bad Sunday morning for me, but probably not as productive as I was hoping to be today. I need to go to Aveda and buy some tinted moisturizer…never tried it, but think it might work nicely on the vacation next week.
Oh isn’t that fun. Next week we’ll be on a ship for 6 days. I hope he can talk to me then. This is our first “real” vacation together. I am starting to get nervous about it, because I don’t think he’ll want to do anything except read and workout. Oh yeah, and ask me how much everything costs when I suggest something to do.
I quit smoking cigarettes about 6 weeks ago. It lasted 3 weeks, but then I got stressed and had “just one”. I don’t know why I even gave in to that “just one” thing. I know it never works like that. So I know he is pissed that I’m smoking still.