dilemas

Eric…that man is killing me. I knew I shouldn’t have tried to be all above the situation, thinking I’d just tell him what I wanted to say and go on with my life. I know myself better than that.
I decided on Sunday that I was going to do this, and once I decide I want to do something I. want. to. do. it. now. period. But it didn’t work out like that. So I’ve spent the week wanting to get it over with, but still not able to arrange the cocktail.
Eric emailed me very explicit things today. I know I’m absolutely ridiculous, but I totally fed into it. the whole time I was sitting at my desk laughing to myself, yet enjoying it at the same time. At moments I felt so small because I have issues with feeling like someone wants me for purely sexual reasons…even when that’s the only way I want that person.
And I’m not even gonna lie. I want Eric in a bad way. I’ve seriously considered fucking the hell out of him and not telling a soul just because I think it would be good as hell…especially after the email exchange we had this afternoon. My thighs were tingling, and probably more so because I can’t do anything about it!
Melissa and I are having dinner tomorrow night, and she joked tonight at work about how fucking funny it would be if he came to meet her while we were out and I was there. And the thought of it excited me even more!! That’s so totally wrong.
While living in Tampa I experienced my first, and last, roommate situation…aside from my time at GVSU. I didn’t want to move in with this girl, but I felt bad for her and the rent was going to be cheap so I figured why the hell not. It all ended badly because I slept with her ex-boyfriend. “I don’t even know why I did it…twice. Actually I do know why…he came on to me hardcore and I didn’t know how to say no. And, of course, the whole situation was a little exciting. How sick is that. He was her ex-boyfriend, but still not cool. He ended up telling her in an argument and she confronted me about it. I admitted it and apologized, and moved out 2 months later.
I always felt really shitty about doing it because that’s just not who I am. I don’t like to hurt people. I didn’t really like the roommate much, but I didn’t hate her. I still feel bad about doing it, and now that I’m in this situation I know I can’t create it again.
Yet here I am falling into it. Sharing more details with him than I should. Encouraging. Flirting. Implying that I want to sleep with him without saying it. Trying to convince myself that I don’t want to sleep with him when I know for a fact that the right words or soft touches could quickly create a very dangerous situation for me.
I justify it to myself by saying that I am just trying to keep him interested long enough to have this conversation I feel the need to have with him. Why? Why don’t I just stop talking to him? It’s utterly despicable.
I am sure something exciting will happen this weekend.
Or maybe I hope it will…