I was perusing the personal ads today (shut up. like you wouldn’t do it if you were single. hmmph.) when I came across some truly remarkable ads. I can’t believe my luck. There couldn’t possibly be a better time to be single. Meet the contenders:
1. “VERY OUTGOING HARD WORKING AND FUN TO BE AROUND….SINGLE AND LOOKING FOR MRS. WRIGHT.” – Now, I will be the first to admit that it’s entirely possible that this gentleman has the last name of Wright and is actually trying to be cute. Sad thing is we all know that’s probably not the case.
2. “Help me…I am lost in a world of despair, I have been searching high and low for a companion yet no one has come to rescue” – Come on. This can’t be for real, can it? I can’t imagine that this can attract any normal girl’s attention…can it? I mean it’s not funny in any way…nor witty, nor cute, nor fun, nor attractive…dude, it just blows..
3. “Well, I am a true GA boy, born and bred. If you are into uniforms I wear one everynight and sometimes on the weekend.” I’m glad he added the little bit about the uniform. After all, I can’t imagine finding out months down the line that he has a secret life in a uniform. I think I’d rather not be surprised by my hot new lover whipping out his paper Sonic hat in the heat of the moment…or, well…everynight and sometimes on the weekend.
4. “I’m a single professional, well established, not desperate at all, perhaps just a little too busy for my own good.” Not desperate at all? Dude, you’re looking for love on the internet…why even joke about being desperate? We’re all desperate or we wouldn’t be paying to look at 10-year old pictures of other desperate people.
5. “I am seeking Gods face daily. I am an explayer and ex drug dealer, I am looking for a strong woman to help me in my works for God in building my community up and saveing kids lives.” Oooh!!! Me!! Me!!! Pick meeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! Just tell me this, man…you still got the hookup on the green???
6. “i feel that i am a very down to earth young man who has did a lot of things but is willing to settle down with a wife or a good close freind,” Damn. I wish you’d taken the time to tell us all the things you didded in your life. But never fear… you’re aiming so high that you’re actually willing to settle down with a wife…or if you can’t did that maybe just a good close friend…
7. “i sure don,t like put my life story on the internet but that,s what it calls for. i,am my own man i don,t try to be somone that i,am not. i like looking in to a persons eyes when i talk to them. a very intimate person i don,t beat around the bush. looking for a woman that knows she has a real man in her presents.” Damn it, Jimmy! I told you to stay out of my presents! Myyyyy presents! Stay out of them! No damn man is going to be all up in my presents that’s for damn sure.
And the search is on. Time to see what this dating thing is really like. With all of the possibilities I have in the men above I feel like I’ll find Mr. Right in no time flat.
