I didn’t even allow myself to think about what I was doing, I just did it. I waited until the last business day of my vacation week, the last possible moment I could. But I knew it had to be done. So I woke up this morning and went straight to the courthouse to file for divorce.
There were a couple of moments while I was driving that M’s face flashed in my head, reminders of the intimate night we shared 2 nights ago (last night we just hung out – no sex). I knew logically that I had to do it, so I wasn’t going to let the emotional take over this time. I didn’t have to stop and take a deep breath, I just did it. All emotions were tucked neatly in the stack of papers I held in my hand.
The whole process took a measly 15 minutes, 5 of which included parking and walking to the building, another 5 just trying to find the right place to go inside the courthouse, and the last 5 minutes watching a woman key my information into her system. As simple as that. I paid the $80 fee, she gave me a receipt and I left. How could it possibly be this easy? Nobody even asked me if I was sure I wanted to do it. No last chance, this could work, have you tried counseling, nothing. “Here’s your receipt.” That was the end.
When I realized how painfully easy it all was I struggled with a little emotion. It shouldn’t be this easy to end love. I mean, I suppose for all intents and purposes the love is supposed to be gone before the formality of divorce, but I just don’t feel like my love is over. How does love end? Does it ever end?
I have often wished that M had done something horrible to make me hate him. It’s hard to hate honesty, no matter how much it hurts. Our connection hasn’t been completely broken, and I guess for me that means that there’s still a chance, or there at least should be a chance. I just don’t take marriage as lightly as he does. There are few things in my mind that are causes for divorce: cheating, violence, serious crimes, etc. And this only takes me back to wondering how he could have possibly let go so easily. I imagine that’s supposed to mean that he didn’t truly love me. But you couldn’t make me believe that if you tried.
Now I just have to wait 31 days and call for a hearing date. M doesn’t even have to appear at the hearing, but I don’t think I’m going to tell him that. I think he needs to be there, to take responsibility for what is going on here. I shouldn’t have to go by myself when I don’t even really want it to happen. Right?
I imagine I’ll get more emotional about it all in the next few days. I only dread telling M because I know his response will be disappointing and I’d be a damn liar if I said that his response doesn’t matter. It will matter. It will make me sad.
As you conntinue to go through the struggle of ending a relationship and moving on with your life, remember…it is a process. I think once you love someone, feelings will always remain, but change with time. I can completely relate to your struggles, and hope you continue to write and process everything you are going through so you can grow, learn, and move on. Take care!
I’m sorry I know you didn’t want to have to do this. I hope things work out for you, no matter what that may mean. Here’s to bigger and better things!
***HUGS***
Honey -
OK…some brutal honesty here…I don’t know if it’s what you need right now, but I’m going to say it anyway (and I know I can, because you know I love you).
I often looked for something “horrible that would make me hate” my ex-boyfriend. Like an act of violence against me or someone else, or cheating (that would have been the best one) or drug use. And when none of those things happened, I managed to keep convincing myself I didn’t have a “good” enough reason to break-up with him. But in retrospect, my opinion has changed mightily. He DID do something horrible to me. He made me doubt my self-worth. He made me doubt my lovable-ness. He made me question the course of my life & my choices. He made me feel awful about myself.
M has done these things to you too! You had an entire vacation planned and paid for, and he bailed on you the night before you were supposed to leave. You guys broke up and got back together at his request, only to have him bail on you again. Of course, you were an active participant in these events, but his insensitive actions have played a large part in the erosion of your good feelings about yourself.
I fully believe that what you describe as passion towards M is not really passion based in love, but instead, a need for him, based in the fear that he is the best you will ever have. The mind has a way of interpreting emotions that sometimes belie their true roots.
I think you definitely need Alex back. And I know for a fact that the true potential of your life WILL NOT BLOSSOM until you clear the decks and make way for a miracle. I am not judging the choices you have made – I think everything that you have felt, said, & done are ALL normal and common ways of dealing with a major life change. Ex-sex happens to EVERYONE. Everyone. YES – EVERYONE. Even months later. And there are good reasons for it! It IS comfortable. Your bodies DO fit together. He DOES know how to touch you. (You were married, after all.) And as long as you are willing to settle for this, no one else will ever get the chance to know you that way.
Also, p.s., in case you hadn’t noticed, it’s Christmas-time, the romantic season of idealized forgiveness and hence, forgetfulness. It’s SO EASY to just want to remember the good times. Don’t get caught in a whirlwind of sentimentality. You have made SO much progress. Do NOT give up on yourself.
*Stepping down of of soapbox…*
Xoxo,
R
here here ? ex-sex has happened to me too….
I don’t know much about your situation, so I feel like I can’t give you a full comment.. but I just wish you the best. *hugs*
I’m catching up, but I want to tell you this sounds incredibly powerful, but so hard. I’m with you on that it should have seemed harder to do. But 31 days for a hearing date puts into 2006, so maybe it’s a sign that the new year has all sorts of new possibilities for you!