ugh

I have been feeling really disconnected from my friends and family lately.  Part of this is due to some of the friendships I’ve been questioning lately, and the lack of intimacy I feel in these relationships.  The family is more just a disconnection in terms of belief-systems and having trouble understanding the other side the way I should.  I have felt the need to write about it, but haven’t been able to make the time…or take the time, as the case may be.

I skipped my last tax class tonight because I was feeling horrible all day.  I just felt icky.  So I came home and sat prepared to study for my last exam in the sociology class I’m failing, but instead picked up my laptop to read my emails.  As I was deleting the emails I’d already responded to or read, I hit shift and clicked to select all the messages I didn’t want.  But for some reason when I clicked on the last email in the group my screen scrolled down to an old email from September 15.  It was from Alex and I hadn’t read it.  I knew it was there, but I never read it.

I started reading and half-way through had to light up a cigarette because it hit me a little too hard emotionally.  I know I need me some Alex right now…

L,

Please continue to look at these areas and keep the momentum of growth going.  I admire you for digging in and looking at these issues.  Please keep me informed and let me know if I can support you.  Thank you for working so hard on yourself these last few months. I really enjoyed working with you.  Alex

Social Anxiety and Anxiety in general.  "I don’t want to be these ways."

Negative Self Talk…get the book called Self Esteem.  It is a cognitive-behavioral practice vehicle for negative self talk.

Intimacy-  Stop hiding and come out ….tell the truth about who you are and where you are going.  Could you have more love and be more loving?

"I am not a phone person"  What are you then?  Not a chit chat gal?

Shame- Awareness and Abolishment

Addiction to Pot- "I don’t think I am addicted to the drug…just the feeling.  Not a physical addiction…just emotional.”  Whatever the truth about addiction, it has taken away from who you are.

Inferiority Complex- Tied to intimacy…if I am comfortable with who I am, the inferiority is not such a big deal."

Men- "I am afraid of men."

Family- " I am not attached to them…I sometimes wonder about that"  Me too L!  "WE are independent…"  My BS meter is tickled again.  Would you please look here?

Alex sent me this email during our last session when he had me lay out the plan for the next 6 months.  This was the plan.  The plan that has been left untouched for almost 3 months now.  Not only did I not follow through on so many of the things I needed, I didn’t even read the fucking email.

You know you need your therapist back when 2 close friends and MS Outlook all suggest it in the same week. 

Reading this just reminded me how great I felt 3 months ago, and how not-so-great I’m feeling right now.  Sure, the holidays contribute.  The recent dealings with M contribute.  Oh yeah, probably the p-o-t.  The weight-gain.  Oh boy.  Fact of the matter is the good feelings have escaped me.  The positive energy isn’t there, and I want that feeling back.

So why am I not rushing to make an appointment to see Alex?  I’m sure he’d be happy to tell me all the things I don’t really want to hear right now.  I’d feel accountable because I wouldn’t want to look stupid for not changing the behaviours I know are sooo wrong for me, so I’d change them just to avoid looking dumb.  But why can’t I seem to change anything more long-term?

After reading the email one of my first thoughts was that I should probably explore the OA thing again.  I still hate the idea of it, but I do recognize that I’m missing something in my life and if it’s possible I could find some sort of connection, some support, some thing.  I hope this isn’t me making excuses, but I think the lack of community is really affecting my me.  I spent so many years not even realizing I needed it, but community is something Alex highly suggested and I think maybe he was on to something. 

I just took a minute to type up an email to Alex to see if he has any appointments available in the next couple weeks.  But for some reason I just can’t make myself send it.  It feels like I’m admitting that I’ve failed by sending it, even though I logically know that’s not the case.