the M story

I started this blog in February mostly because I thought it would be fun to have a blog.  I’ve been writing since I was a young girl, but hadn’t really been in touch with that side since high school.  Getting back in touch with that passion was in full force during the summer of 2004.  M and I were about to split up, and for the first time during our rocky pseudo-relationship I felt comfortable with myself.  I hired a personal trainer, not realizing how much my life would change as a result.

Not only did he succeed in changing my body drastically, he was also my summer crush.  The HOT trainer was just like the name implies: HOT.  Hot, hot, hot.  I developed an immediate crush on him.  The extreme exercising increased my confidence and I thrived like never before.  After my third session I started sending emails to a group of girls at work telling them of my tales with the trainer.  The emails got increasingly racy, so I started a blog of sorts to tell the story.  At this time I had no idea what a blog was, so I just manually created the website.  It was a lot more work than this blog has ever been because I was trying to maintain a blog-like feel without a blog program.  Ok, enough technical crap.

M moved out in July of 2004, and I continued on with my love affair, which was really just an affair with writing with the HOT trainer serving as an ideal subject but nothing more.  In August I had a divorce party I called Freedom Fiesta 2004, and it was at this party that I met David.

When I first saw David I completely disregarded him.  He was terribly cute, which in my head was automatically translated into asshole.  Four margaritas later David and I started talking, shared a blunt and talked some more.  I had never experienced such an instant connection with anyone in my life, so I was a little confused, later blaming the alcohol.

David and I became friends very quickly, exchanging multiple-page emails all day for the next month or so (I still have all of them).  We worked in the same area, so we also got together for lunch each week.  Oh yeah, and I developed the hugest crush of my adult life.  David was amazing.  He was the first person I felt totally got me.  In 3 years of marriage M and I had never experienced the closeness I felt with David in the first weeks of our meeting.  I hid my crush from David, fearing rejection, as was my norm, and also not wanting to jeopardize this amazing friendship in any way.  All of my friends knew of my crush on David, and my co-workers began noticing I always dressed the cutest and acted sassiest on Fridays, which were our lunch days.  Still, David was clueless about what was going on in this head of mine.

M and I still hung out regularly, talked daily, etc.  We were close as friends, as we’d always been, but just not living together or in a relationship.  I was amazed at my comfort with what was going on, but was also sure that most of that was due to my new friendship with David.  In September M started asking me questions about whether or not I could see us getting back together, etc.  I was more confident than he’d ever seen me, and I’m sure he fell in love with that.  I told him I didn’t think we could be together again.

A week later M sent me an email telling me that he loved me, and that he’d realized that he wanted us to be together.  This was the first time M had ever told me that he loved me.  The first time in 3 years.  I remember staring at the screen on that Saturday morning wondering why the hell I had to find out that he loved me for the first time in an email.  I spitefully went on with my day and waited until that evening to respond, knowing it would drive him mad.  When I did respond I told him that it wasn’t enough for him to love me, that I needed someone who couldn’t live without me.

The next day M came to pick me up and took me to breakfast at our favorite local diner.  He sat across from me and for the first time since I’d known him pulled out all the emotion and vulnerability I’d never known him to have.  He told me that the feelings were so strong he couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t stand to be without me any more.  I was nervous, fearful of his sudden change in emotions and the possibility that such a quick change could happen again in the opposite direction.  I expressed this to him and he convinced me that this was it.  We had to be together.

I thought about David the entire time he was talking.  I struggled over the next few weeks to make a decision, with the face of David clouding my every thought.  M knew nothing of David, except that he was a friend I had lunch with time and again.  I was confused about what to do.  Here was the man I’d loved so deeply for 3 years, my husband, even if it wasn’t a real marriage, telling me all the things I felt I’d waited forever to hear.

Our marriage was one of convenience, as I’ve mentioned before.  Still for 3 years we lived as any other married couple does, only with the absence of the words I love you or the acknowledgment of any emotional connection on his part.  I professed my love for him often and refused to give up.  I knew we were meant to be together.  Over this time I became friends with Sammy, and we started hanging out with her and her husband Skip more and more.  Sammy was the only person I was close to who knew the truth about our situation and was there to witness our relationship as it was.  It’s hard to explain to people who didn’t witness it just how close we were.

Sammy believed that M was in love with me and would come back from the minute he left, and she told me often.  So when I told her of M’s newfound love she wasn’t surprised in the slightest.  Through talking to her I realized that I couldn’t throw away this opportunity without spending my life wondering what could have been.  So I decided that M could come back.  Originally the plan was to go to counseling and start from the beginning, but we all know you can’t do that with an old relationship.  M and I got comfortable fast, and by December we’d decided that we wanted to start trying to have a baby.

During this time I was still crushing hard on David, and he still had no clue.  I was emotionally torn between 2 men.  David was a soulful connection, making me think and encouraging me to express and be me.  Talking to David was freeing.  I loved M, but I wasn’t 100% in the relationship at that point.

M went out of his way to show me how much he loved me, and I did my best to push him aside.  It was hard adjusting to his new affections and doting and loving when I’d experienced a shut-down reaction for so long.  I struggled with the feeling a lot, and selfishly thought that it was his turn to chase me for a bit after all I’d done over the previous 3 years.  He went out of his way to surprise me on my birthday and at Christmas, but I was so afraid of his love at this point that I acted like a 28 year-old brat. 

In January everything came together for me.  I realized my love for M and the crush on David was no longer.  Unfortunately, I developed a new focus and it wasn’t M.  It was having a baby.  It consumed me.  As I stated in this post I never thought I could get pregnant, so I was worrying with a vengeance.  I was researching and reading and obsessing…and ignoring my husband.  When I started the blog I had no idea what was coming in my marriage, although maybe I shouldn’t have been as clueless as I was.  The blog (started only 3 days before he left) served as my best outlet during the horrible months that followed our unexpected break-up in March.  It has been part of my therapy, my expression.

krista left the comment that inspired this post.  I realized that a lot of you reading this weren’t around in the beginning when it all went down.  I have mentioned the background of our situation before, but I don’t think I’ve put it in this much detail before, not even for myself. 

Do I think M and I will continue to see each other after the divorce goes through?  

There’s no doubt in my mind.  M and I have a closeness that divorce can’t break.  That’s the saddest part of all this to me.  It may never be the same, but we’re never saying never, right?  I don’t know what will happen, so I just take it one day at a time.  I can rationalize being with him just as easily as I can rationalize not being with him.  Which will win?  I have no clue.  I couldn’t even tell you right now which I want to win.  We have all of the same values, beliefs, goals, dreams, but we both have an intimacy fear that keeps us from completely opening ourselves to each other.  That’s no good.

I recognize at this point that the main thing missing in my life, our marriage, everything, is my confidence.  I’ve lost it, and I haven’t been able to get it back. And I know with certainty that there’s no way M and I can be together until I get that back.  I am not there right now, and I don’t know at this point what it will take to get there.  Hence, the return to Alex. 

I love M without question.  There’s no doubt in my mind of that.  But big changes need to happen in my life, and in his, before we can be together.  At that point who knows – we may not even want each other.  For some reason I don’t see that being the end of our story.  I still see my little Nellie when I look in his eyes, and I think he sees the same in mine.

Our relationship is a weird one, I’ll admit that.  It’s hard to understand at times, but it’s been like that since the beginning, so it’s familiar to me.  I know M well enough to know that his intentions are never to hurt.  There’s an emotional guy trapped inside, and he’s afraid of being hurt, as well, so he has trouble letting it out.  He’s also only 26…a mature 26, but still 26.  I’m also very emotional, but I’m able to express it a little more freely than he is.  Still, my ever-present fear of rejection dictates my actions too often.

He’s probably arrived at home by now, and I’m so happy knowing he is with his family.  I know he really needed to see them, and I hope it helps him with some of his emotional struggles.  I’m challenged with feelings of missing him, probably because of the wonderful evening we had on Sunday.  i find myself wondering how it will be when he returns, if we’ll break it off and start our single lives in 2006?  Or will we rediscover each other in a way we never have before?  I’m anxious to see.