It’s especially hard this holiday season because I’m far away from all that is familiar, all that I love. I find myself remembering my last Christmas with M. I remembered the childish way I’d nag him about getting my presents (selfish little bitch), the way he tricked me by telling me he hadn’t gotten me anything (selfish little bitch), the way I cried when I thought he didn’t love me enough to get me a Christmas gift (selfish little bitch), and the way he surprised me on Christmas morning with tivo, a laptop, a subscription to National Geographic, and a beautiful pink sapphire and diamond bracelet. My heart ached as I remembered the look on his face when he saw how excited I was (selfish little bitch).
I remember my birthday last year. M surprised me with a weekend trip to Chateau Elan, which was lovely all decorated for Christmas. He made reservations at a great restaurant and planned to take me to see Christmas lights somewhere nearby (I heart Christmas lights). I remember how insecure I felt in the clothes I’d chosen for dinner, how nervous I felt going out to this restaurant when I didn’t look like all those other skinny bitches, and I remembered the anxious feeling I had throughout my body that caused me to suggest we drive back home to pick up a joint to take back with us for that night (selfish little bitch). I remember needing to numb my over-anxious feeling.
I remember the looks on his face when I got excited, the way he kissed me and showed me all the love he thought would pull me out of my insecurities.
I miss you M. And I remember. I’m sorry I was such a selfish little bitch.
