boundaries

Alex was always getting on me about setting boundaries in my life, mostly in my relationship with M.  I always have trouble doing it…Sammy didn’t call him cow eyes for nothing, one look and I’m hooked.  Or one word.  Or one touch.  One glance.  One thought.  M is never more than a thought away.

I decided yesterday that if M didn’t call me on my birthday I would be done.  I thought he would.  I thought I’d at least get an email.  I know he’s spending time with his family for the first time in 8 years, but I could be dining with the Queen and I’d still make a point of calling on his birthday.  But he didn’t.  I guess, technically, my birthday isn’t over yet, so there’s still a chance he’ll call.  Given the time difference it’s extremely unlikely, so I’m just turning it off now.

I probably won’t have to see much of him after he returns.  The divorce should be final by the end of January, and he probably doesn’t realize this (do i?) but all contact ceases at that very moment.  I still need to tell him that I filed the papers; I didn’t want him to have to think about it while he was home.  I can’t figure out how to tell him.  I want it to be in a way in which I won’t have to be hurt by his lack of response.  If I tell him on the phone I’ll hear his response, tell him in person and I’ll see his response, an email would get a written response.  I don’t want a fucking response at all, since it won’t be the one I want. 

He will, undoubtedly, think we will be able to remain friends.  At this point I don’t see it happening.  I still find it hard to imagine my life without him, so I know I need to cut the contact.  I need to cut the line that’s feeding me hope, since the line only really exists in my imagination anyway.  M and I won’t be together.  I need to swallow that for real, none of this well maybe he’ll realize, maybe he’ll change his mind, maybe maybe maybe maybe fucking maybe. 

It shouldn’t even be an option.