a long look

I’ve started this post before, but have never been able to finish it, so let me see if I can get it right this time.

Alex once pointed out to me that my way of dealing with men closely resembles the way men typically deal with women.  He seemed surprised by this.  I blew it off at the time, but marveled in the fact that he was dead on. 

When women have issues with men, and I’ll go ahead and acknowledge right now that I do, people immediately begin to point at her relationship with her father.  Because of this I’ve examined my relationship with my dad ad nauseam, but I’ve failed to come up with anything.  Fortunately for me, Stressed Dad, aside from being stressed a lot, was a great dad.  So where does that leave me?

Well wouldn’t it fucking figure that it’s all weight-related.  Every issue I have in my life is weight-related.  I sometimes wonder what kind of issues I’d have if I’d not been fat my entire life.  Take AD for example.  Sorry, AD, but I had trouble understanding you most of my life because you seemed to have everything I ever wanted, but you still weren’t happy at times.  I never put 2 and 2 together to realize that everyone has issues, but I now understand that.  I used to look at you when you’d be upset about something and resent the fuck out of you.  5’8, 120 lbs, gorgeous.  The complete opposite of me.  I didn’t understand that people could have issues when they weren’t fat.  It was all that consumed my every thought, so I didn’t understand how not having that element in your life wouldn’t make everything perfect. 

Complete tangent there, but whatever.  It’s what I do.

In the past 9 months since M left I’ve only had one little fling, if you will, and it was very short-lived.  Remember Harvs?  Anyway, this is probably the longest I’ve gone without some sort of male attention (M doesn’t count.  Oh crap, I guess he probably does) in about 10 years.  So during this time I’ve had a chance to really look at my relationships with men in all aspects.  I know it’s one area I need a great deal of growth in, so I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

Like I’ve said, I’ve been overweight forever so it’s all I’ve ever known.  Short-term weight-loss aside, I’ve never been a healthy weight.  The first documentation I’ve seen of it, besides in pictures, was the pediatrician’s note in my chart stating “Child is overweight.” 

I remember my first crush.  His name was David, and he was really cute.  I was in third grade.  David’s mom was Columbian, so he was my first glimpse of non-white skin in my life and I was immediately attracted to it.  What started at that moment was my obsession with having a boyfriend, which continued on steadily until about 19.

My best friend while growing up was Valerie, a cute, athletic, blonde, who all the boys liked.  She actually ended up dating David pretty seriously for a few years in high school and college.  All the boys had crushes on Valerie, and I had crushes on all of the boys.  It was just what I did.  I didn’t get the attention Valerie got, instead I was always the friend, and usually the friend used to get closer to Valerie. 

I compensated for being overweight by making sure that I did everything else right.  I started working at my mom’s office when I was 12 so I could earn extra money to buy the expensive shoes and jeans I just had to have.  If I was going to be fat I was at least going to dress just as well, if not better, than my friends.  It didn’t matter to me that I was good at basketball or tennis, had a bunch of good friends, a great family, played the clarinet or excelled in school.  None of that, in hindsight, seemed to make much of a difference in my life, but things did.  I needed things to make myself feel like I was just as good as everyone else.

I spent my junior high and high school years in a state of perpetual crushing.  Obsessive, teenage girl crushing.  And most of my crushes were public.  Everyone knew about them.  But I never managed to turn the heads of any of my crushes.  I was very active in high school, involved in everything, had lots of friends, etc.  But the element missing was the attention of boys, like all my friends were getting.

Little by little it ate away at me until I finally had my first hook-up when I was 16.  The man was a complete asshole dog, but he paid attention to me for a minute and I bit.  I developed a secret-admirer status and started leaving notes for him, candy on his doorstep, stupid shit like that.  And in the end we hooked up so I saw all of my work come to fruition.  Unfortunately this set the stage for a lot of pursuing, and very little, if any, time as the pursued. 

In the summer before my sophomore year at GV, I met my first boyfriend.  Someone had asked me to describe the man I wanted, and physically I described Corey to a T.  He was a football player, defensive line, so a pretty big guy.  He was 6’3 and about 250 pounds of muscle.  Cute in his own way, and very sweet.  I fell right away, and luckily he did, too.  We were in a relationship for 3 years, 2.5 of those years we were living together. 

The relationship wasn’t great, but it wasn’t horrible either.  I see now that most of the problems were due to our age (19-22) and immaturity, and thankfully I learned a lot from the situation.  At that time I thought that having a boyfriend would define me, make me ok.  Finally a man wanted me, so I was a good person.  Obviously this wasn’t a conscious thought, but one I recognize now. 

When Corey and I broke up and went our separate ways I moved into my first apartment by myself and went absolutely boy-crazy.  I spent the following 2 years exploring men like I never had before.  Unfortunately I didn’t realize that all of my little flings were just that:  short-lived flings.  There wasn’t anything of substance, but I didn’t care.  I continued on, disrespecting myself in the process, but feeling built up because the guys I was choosing were hot.  That was all that mattered to me in this process of self-validation.

After the 2 years I affectionately refer to as the promiscuous years I met and fell for M.  Certainly my dealings with men didn’t prepare me for a real relationship.  My self-esteem reached an all-time low as I continued to try to define myself by the man sitting next to me.  I was terribly insecure in our relationship, with myself, with everything.  I picked at everything he did because I needed him to be the epitome of perfection in order to make me look better.  I couldn’t stomach the times he’d wear something unappealing to me in public.  I forced affection in public places to make sure everyone could see that I was alone. 

I’m really good at hiding these things, so most have no clue I’m so emotionally fucked up.  I try to keep my outward appearance as positive and happy as possible, silently struggling inside.  Only this year through the development of great new friends and 9 months of broken-heartedness I learned to let some people into this struggle, but still most people think I’m confident, happy, sarcastic, and funny.  Definitely not the basket case I often feel like.  I have a long way to go, but I’m making progress.

It wasn’t until the past 9 months that I started looking at my issues with being overweight.  I knew I felt uncomfortable, but never acknowledged the effects I’d let it have on my psyche, and the ways in which it stood (stands) in the way of my relationships with people…especially men.

I unfortunately see men as sexual objects above anything else.  My friendship with David has really helped me grow this area of myself.  He’s the first male friend I’ve had in my adult life that I haven’t slept with.  At first I admit it was weird for me, but little by little I learned how to have a non-sexual relationship with a man. 

I have this fear that every man I come into contact with thinks I want to sleep with him.  And I’m not exaggerating.  I think it about every guy I work with, including my bosses, every man I see while walking through the grocery store, every man I see driving down the street.  So I look down.  I avoid eye contact.  I don’t talk to them.  And they make me very uncomfortable.  I make me very uncomfortable.

Even though I know these things I still find myself feeling bad for being alone.  It lessens me as a person in my head, and while I acknowledge, I still haven’t succeeded at changing anything.  It’s so ground in me that it’s natural.  I don’t even consciously notice it most of the time.

Since deciding to have WLS I have been examining a lot of areas of my life, and have imagined how the weight-loss will change my life.  I read a lot of blogs and begin to fear the decision I’m making and overweighing the impact it will have on my life.  Sometimes I wonder what other issues will come up once the weight is gone.  I can’t see them now, so I think at times I’m a little unrealistic.  This has been the one thing in my life that I’ve let keep me from being me, so if I take it away what will happen?  Wow.

When I read that people lose 100 pounds but then look in the mirror and still see themselves the same I cringe.  It honestly just doesn’t make sense in my head.  First, I already see how fucking cute I am even with the extra weight, so I know for a fact that taking 100 pounds off of my bones would make me super hot.  Well, maybe not super hot, but goddamed pretty, if I may say.  :)  I remember so well the times I’ve lost 40-50 pounds, still obese, but looking damn good and I knew it.  So how could I look in the mirror and not see that?  I don’t get it.  But I’m sure these other women didn’t think they’d feel like that either.  Scary.

But getting back to my issue with men, the whole point of this terribly long post, I am most afraid that the WLS will not only make me look good, but it will also make me feel good.  Which is a fucking great thing, don’t get me wrong.  But the fear is how men will begin to treat me and how insanely I will resent them for this.  I think about it now and my whole body tenses up, it disgusts me.  All my life I’ve been the same great person I am now, but when I’m half my size I will suddenly be on the receiving end of more attention than I’ve ever received in my life.  It scares the bejeezus out of me to think of how angry it already makes me.  I know I need Alex for this one.  Rivkeh pointed out to me that there’s no way I could know how I’m going to react to that situation because it’s not one I’ve ever been in.  I don’t have a blueprint, as she put it. 

I always wanted to fall in love before losing weight.  I knew eventually I’d do it, but I wanted to be sure that the man I was with accepted me for who I was before doing it.  I thought this a few times over the years, but never really gave it as much thought as I do now that there is hope in sight.  I don’t want to have a negative approach to men in the future, especially if they’re going to be paying attention to me.  I need to figure it all out and get rid of these issues, so that my new life will be accompanied by healthy relationships.

This blog has been my saving grace over the past year.  I wonder how I would have gotten through this hard year without this outlet, and the support and comments from those of you reading regularly.  Pastor Mom asked me once why anyone would want to read someone else’s personal diary, especially someone they don’t know.  For me it’s about being real, all the time, like it or not, and reading the blogs of people who are like that too.  I like seeing how I can relate to completely different people for completely different reasons.  I like seeing how other people live, what fascinates them, what they read, their issues, etc. 

It’s also helped me develop a new level of intimacy with some of my new friends.  Never in my life had I shared my writing with other people, everything was always secret.  Now suddenly it’s out there for everyone to see, and I see that the people I truly care about in my life accept me despite the craziness in my head and the extra weight on my body.  They’ve shown me, by continuing to read regularly, that they care and accept.  I’ve never told any of them before, but AD, Kip, David, Sammy, Rivkeh, Safety Girl – thank you.  The feedback you’ve given me has been so valuable to me this year.  It’s so excellent to know that people accept you even when you’re fucking sad all the time and going through the hard times.  I was always afraid to let people see the emotional side of me, and kept everything upbeat and happy, so I really feared that when I dropped that I’d lose my friends.  I feel really stupid thinking that about any of you at this point.  I can’t even begin to tell you all what you’ve meant in my life this year, but since this is already so long I’ll just make it longer.

AD: when you flew down with less than 12 hours notice to go on the cruise with me the day M left you touched me so much.  I felt so much closer to you after that week, and I feel we’ve grown even closer since then.  I think I resented you a lot growing up, not understanding you.  But now I think I get it, and I think you get me.  Fun times!

Kip: AD surprised me when she told me that you were reading the blog.  I didn’t really know if I was ready to let you see this side of me, but it hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would.  I’m glad you’re in the family and love you for loving my sister so much.

David: you have been my rock this year.  I remember wondering when I met you what your purpose was in my life, and I don’t wonder anymore.  You have forced me to examine things I didn’t want to, answer questions I didn’t want you to ask, and think about things I wanted to forget.  You’ve given me a different view on life and you see my soul.  The support I’ve received from you this year amazes me, to say the least.  I don’t know how I would have been able to get through it without you.  Honestly.  Thank you. 

Sammy:  I know you’re not one for sappy, but whatever.  One of the greatest things you did to help me this year was insisting on talking about things even when I tried to change the subject.  You were the one person who truly knew the M I knew, so you seemed to get it in a way nobody else did.  I can’t even tell you how positive I feel after spending time at your house, even more now that Baby Sammy is there.  The peace, love, genuineness and faithfulness I see in you and Skip has been such a blessing in my life.

Rivkeh:  You’ve been my substitute-Alex at so many times throughout this year, especially in the past few months.  I have loved learning more about you.  Your honesty, pointed truthfulness, and openness have been invaluable.  I admire you in so many ways, and look forward to knowing you better in the years to come.

Safety Girl:  I admit I was probably most nervous about you reading this than the others because I didn’t really know you as well.  It meant so much to me for you to invite me to spend Christmas morning with your family.  While my anxiety was running high that morning, I still had a great time and really enjoyed seeing you with the little one.  I look forward to more trips to Los Arcos this year!

Ok, so this post has definitely gone way beyond what I set out to write, but I guess that’s what happens when you wake up at

4am

and decide to start writing.  If you made it to the end – thanks!  I hope I managed to say something.  I’m sure this is all over the place, but it is what it is.