mental health update

I went to see the psychiatrist today for an
evaluation of how the Lexapro is working for me.  Just so you know, I don’t really notice
it doing anything.  I mean sure, I
feel less self-conscious, but is that because I’m 40 pounds lighter and looking
fab?  Or is it because I’m not
numbing myself with the p-o-t?  Or
is it the Lexapro?  I don’t
know.  She doesn’t know.  So I’m staying on it.  I forgot to tell her that I can’t have
an orgasm while I’m on it, but I guess that probably means I’m not all that
worried about it.  I don’t need to
be since I’m not having sex.  So
whatever.

 

She said that no drug will help me gain
self-acceptance and I agree with that whole heartedly.  I guess that’s kinda what I was looking
for…something that would make me not think about what people are thinking about
me…even though I, of course, know that people just aren’t paying as much
attention to me as I tend to think when I’m feeling anxious. 

 

Anyway, she prescribed something new today.  Something that totally made me
cringe.  Dancing.  I looked at her like she had three heads
when she said this to me.   “You need to find your inner diva!”  She said, and I stared at her, trying to figure out if I was on one of those hidden camera shows. 

 

Just so you know – I have no rhythm.  And it’s not even a white girl can’t
dance kinda thing.  It’s more severe
than all that.  I can’t even hear
the beat in a song.  No joke.  I used to ask M to point out the beat in
a song for me when we were listening to music.  Then I’d try to find the beat myself and
then ask him to show it to me to see if I was right.  I wasn’t.  Ever.  He used to laugh and laugh and asked me
all the time how I could possibly play a musical instrument if I couldn’t hear a
beat.  I don’t know.  So dancing?  Umm yeah.  I think not.   I’ve always hated it with a passion.  Unless I was drunk, of course, which was
when I was known for something called the “shoe dance”, which consisted of me
removing one shoe in the middle of the dance floor surrounded by a circle of
friends cheering me on and using one foot to spin myself in a circle.  High school, peeps.  High school.

 

“You need to find comfort in the movement of your
body,” she told me, and I couldn’t disagree.  I know this is an issue for me.  “Even if you just buy a dance video and
practice in your living room, I don’t care.  But please!  Dance!”

 

I love her. 
She’s the same doctor who told me the first time I met her, “If it were
up to me pot would be legal.  I just
don’t think it’s that big of a deal, either.”  I loved her from that moment.  But today she inspired me.  She believed in me.  She gave me a little belief in
myself. 

 

So off I go to buy a dance video.  Hell, I’ll give anything a chance.  And it’s exercise, too, so that’s a
bonus.

 

I’m back and I bought a beginner’s belly dancing
video, which I hear is a great ab workout. 
I also got Tahitian cardio and a hip-hop cardio.  Sounds pretty fun to me!  Maybe I’ll actually like what the good
doc prescribed? 

 

I also bought the rest of the plants for my yard
tonight.  There were some gorgeous
calla lilies I was admiring and I must’ve picked them up and set them back down
at least 40 times.  I don’t know
much about them or how hard they are to grow, but they were just lovely, so I
might go back and get them tomorrow if I have space left after planting
everything else.

 

Thanks to everyone for the input on the dresses and
the nails.  I actually had gel nails
long before I ever tried acrylic, but I’d completely forgotten how much I liked
them.  I think that’s a grand idea,
because I’m sure I’m going to fall in love with them.

 

The stupid jeep is broken again.  I love that damn thing, but I swear I’ve
never had more stupid little problems with a car before in my life.  A few months ago the passenger window
fell into the door, and now the driver side window did the same thing!  Luckily it’s still under warranty, but
when I called Carmax this morning they said they couldn’t do anything until
Monday morning, which I think is total crap.   But what can I do.