on belly dancing

This was written Sunday, but I’ve just now grown the balls to post it…with David’s encouragement, of course. All hats off to David…well either that or I’m going to end up totally kicking his ass next time I see him. Which it will be is unknown at this point.

She told me to dance and so I danced.  I had to force myself to do it, but I
did.  Because she said to
dance.  And she’s the professional
and all. 

Today I dance.  Today I dance.  Because I can, because I should, because
it’s time to let go of these insecurities and give myself a little credit for
the fabulousness we all know is there. 
So I’ll try dancing.  Of the
belly variety.

Because yesterday was an 8 on the Emotional
Awareness Scale I can’t keep myself from wanting to dance.  Luckily my dear buddy David was there to
carry the pitcher of iced tea to the pool and spend the day in the sun while I
worked through all the things going on in my head.

Part of it was his fault, really.  It all started with these.  Do you see what I’m talking about?  Scary.  I found these pics in the boxes of stuff
Pastor Mom brought me from my old room. 
M came over Friday night and I saw them so I just had to show him.  I thought they were hilarious.  He didn’t say much, and I just laughed,
of course.  Well, when David got to my house Saturday at
noon he noticed the pictures sitting on
the dining room table and reacted in just the way I had reacted inside
when I saw the pictures.  (these quotes might not be exact, but the idea is
there)

“Are these you?!”  He exclaimed. 

“Yes! 
Can you believe it?” 

“Oh my god, Juju!  You are so a lesbian!” 

“Oh shut up!” And I laughed so hard I thought I was
going to pee myself. 
Seriously.  I literally fell
over laughing.  And he laughed,
too.  I laughed because he saw the
same shit I saw.  And of course he
did.  David’s the only person
besides Alex who has heard me talk about my sexuality issues.  I’ve written posts for the blog about it
before, but the fact that AD reads kinda kept me away from it. 

But when David and I were looking at the pics he
made a comment that made sense to me. 
“They know!  Look at you!”
and, oh my soul – you looked at the pics, right? 

Suddenly things that hadn’t made sense my
entire life kinda did make sense. 
Not in a definitive sort of way, but more like an awakening.  I baked in the sun for 3 hours after
this and couldn’t think of anything else the entire time.  I wanted to talk and talk and talk about
it, but I was trying so hard to not be annoying about it.  But shit.  This is kinda big, and I needed to
process it.  Out loud.  To someone who probably understands more
than anyone else I know.

So to the blog it comes.  To the fear that some people I actually
know in the real sense of the word will react differently to me, or not totally
get it.  To the anxiety in knowing
that once it’s said it can’t be taken back.  It can’t be put away or hidden.  It can’t just be a silly thought to
think about tomorrow.  It’ll be
real.  But somehow I am ready to
accept every part of myself as beautiful, and let go of the shame that has no
place in my life.

Not sure I’d call myself a lesbian, though.  Especially because it’s never been
explored physically, it’s more of a mental thing right now.  A mental thing that I’m still a lotta bit
confused about and will be spending lots of time discussing with Alex.  He knows my aversion
to the word bisexual and the many negative feelings
that go along with it and he’s tried to educate me on the idea that
there doesn’t have to be an absolute, that there doesn’t have to be a label,
that there doesn’t have to be 100% certainty, that it’s ok to be in the
middle.  I’m still struggling with that one.

I stopped talking to Alex about it abruptly after bringing
it up for the first time just as abruptly.  I had to shut it down because it was
freaking me out.  I couldn’t make it
a big part of my inner discussion right then, but those pics did something weird
to me. 

I spent the day at the pool with David, as I said –
the pics are in the life photo album on the other blog.  This was big, too.  I haven’t been comfortable in public in
full clothing in so long, but here I was ok at walking around the pool in front
of people in nothing but a swimsuit. 
I actually asked David to take pictures of me standing up in my swim
suit.  Did I mention I totally
fried?  It was great fun!  I will be spending much more time there
this summer.  Can you believe that
this was my first time going to the pool in the 3 years I’ve lived there?  There’s a little insight into my
fears.

Ok, so wow. 
This is a lot to process and a lot more to anticipate sharing.  AD and Kip, I think the obvious goes
without saying…what happens on the blog stays on the blog, ok?  Let me do this my way, that’s all I ask.

David’s the only person I’ve been able to relate to
about this, but probably only because I couldn’t allow myself to be open with
anyone else yet.  Yesterday I
remembered a time when David and I first met and talked about what the purpose
of our friendship would be.  During
the M crisis I thought I’d found the purpose, but now I have a feeling it was a
bigger purpose.  I remember him
coming out to me the first time and I tried so hard to be his biggest fan,
urging him to be real with everyone and not be afraid to be himself.  At the same time I’d sometimes think to
myself how
can you say this to him when you can’t even acknowledge your personal truth to
yourself. 

I’m not at a point of complete understanding or
anything yet, so I’ll probably be exploring these things I’ve never before
acknowledged in the upcoming months. 
I remember thinking before I had surgery that I was going to completely
lose my identity with my fatness. 
But as I peel away the layers, I peel away some of the emotional issues
as well and realize that maybe I’m just discovering my true identity and gaining
an acceptance that I should have had for the past 15
years.

I also found this quote in the box of stuff.  It was printed (on a dot matrix printer)
and folded up like it was posing as a fortune. 

“A honra nao consiste em nao cair nunca, mas se
levantar cada vez que se cai”

I apparently brought this back from Brazil with
me.  It says

“The honor doesn’t lie in never falling, but in
getting up each time you fall.”

I’m getting up right now.  And I love seeing how much higher I get
as I learn more.  The belly dancing
was fun and the chick is a great teacher. 
Unfortunately I’m battling the fact that I have no rhythm, so I need a
lot of practice.  But I’m going to
get this down.  If you’re thinking
about it, I recommend this one (cheap, too!). 
She’s not super annoying and explains well.  I just think too much and once I can let go and just feel the music I think I’ll
get it.

In fact,
I think I’ll get it all.