regrouping

I fucked up.  Again.  With tony.  Again.  Big fucking surprise.  He’s my antichrist.  Seriously.  I can’t get what it is that makes me so ga-ga over this big piece of shit assface that he is.

Last night’s blog was written after I’d spoken to Tony for the first time, but before the second time, which proved to be the killer.  He was sweet talking me a little and I resisted for a good 55 minutes before I finally gave and in he was on his way to my house.  We’d spoken about how I liked him and he said that it was all physical for him (big surprise, right?).  I told him that I have no problem with us being on different pages, but that meant that we just didn’t need to be spending any time together.  Of course, he convinced me that it was a good idea to come over when he said we could just hang out and watch TV and stupid me wanted to make him eat those words.  Instead I got fucked on my back patio.  And it wasn’t even good.

Today I’m swimming in a pool of regret.  And I don’t usually regret shit.  I’ve sworn off dating.  Well, I think a break is in order anyway.  Maybe not sworn off completely, but I’m too much of a mess right now to do this again any time soon.  So instead I will just concentrate on school. 

I have allowed Tony to get deep into my head and the real question is why.  Because he’s hot?  Because he sure as fuck isn’t nice.  He’s a little smart, but nowhere near even M’s level, which was a few steps below me (LOL – j/k).  There’s no reason to like the bastard.  No reason.  Yet here I am, saddened by the mean way in which he talked to me today.  I feel like I’ve been kicked.  It’s insane.  Crazy.  Yes, I’m crazy.

Nope, it’s not because of Tony.  It’s all these insecurities I still face no matter how hard I try to pretend like they’re not there.  And it’s the fact that I’ve never known anything different, so I can’t even fathom anything other than what I’m doing right now.  That’s where it needs to change.  I need to know that making better decisions will yield better results.  Because intellectually I know this, but emotionally I’m still not so sure.  Which, in my professional opinion, means I have no business dating right now.