what could you possibly want from me now

Three months ago I made the decision that The Ruiner could no longer be a part of my life. We’d broken up in January of 2007, and it kicked off what I now see as a series of the worst decisions I’ve made in my adult life. I was crushed, shattered even, and until September the rage, hate, pain and sadness were present in my life every single day. I tried forgiving him for all he did, tried winning him back, tried being ok with our random hook-ups and tried seeing him for who he was. I tried keeping him as a back-up for both sex and car payments I couldn’t pay. And for a little while it worked…if you count me being ok with it as working. The problem was I could never shake the feeling in my head that he was the love of my life and we belonged together. I could see past all of his bad qualities and all he’d done to me just long enough to feed this burning desire I had inside to be loved, only to feel the hurt and pain come rushing back when he’d repeatedly fail to live up to the prince I’d made him out to be in my head.

I thought I’d never felt love like his before and if I gave up on us being together I’d never again feel love in my life. Nothing, after all, could ever compare to the passion we’d shared for each other. Nothing could top that high I got when he’d call me those sweet names or just look into my eyes. Nobody, not even me, could make me feel that wonderful and it mattered little to me that all these amazing things I thought I’d felt for him were based on lies and manipulation. It didn’t matter that I knew intellectually that it wasn’t real love and that he’d never really been mine. It only mattered that there was that spark, that chemistry, that illusion I knew for 6 months as love. And I wanted it back.

But in September, after my little sis and sister-in-law had a little “come to jesus” meeting with me about letting go, I realized it was time to truly let go. I was 2 days away from getting on a plane to go spend 5 days with this man I still considered to be the love of my life, and they told me in no uncertain terms, as Will had many times before, that I had to cut it off and be done with it. And something they’d said hit home. I agreed. Enough was enough. I’d let the fairy tale live in my heart for too long and it wasn’t doing me any good, so I painfully made the call to The Ruiner to let him know that I wasn’t coming to visit and that we could never talk, text or email again. Umm ever.

Over the past 3 months I’ve thought about him very infrequently, mostly just to marvel in the fact that I hadn’t been pining over him or missing him or even considering reaching out to him in any way. These moments often came while driving when a song that would remind me of our break-up would come on. The thoughts were short-lived, filled with satisfaction and every time I’d consider writing about how great it felt to not think about him like that any more, then completely forget about it/him by the time the song ended. I was feeling proud of myself, because I wasn’t saying it for anyone else’s benefit. I wasn’t trying to convince anyone (or mostly myself) that I was over him. I felt like I was truly done with thinking that I could win back that feeling or that I’d fucked up or that we’d eventually be together no matter what anyone said. I no longer wanted him, I no longer had him on a pedestal, I no longer ran to thoughts of him when I felt alone or lonely. He was but a mistake, a memory, a few good times and a few great gifts. Other than that he was nothing to me.

Yesterday, while chillin with the fam in the freezing cold of Michigan, I got a message from Jen telling me that “some guy with an accent” had come into MyBux looking for me. She’d told him that she couldn’t say if I worked there or not, but that he’d left me some books and a card. I knew it was The Ruiner as soon as she told me. I asked a few questions to determine if I was correct and it seems I was. Besides, who else could it have possibly been? I spent the rest of the day yesterday wondering why he’d do this. Why did he want to bring me these books as a gift? What could the card possibly say? Why couldn’t he just let me be? What does he gain from any of this? Why did he do this?

“For this exact reason,” Little Sis said as I repeated that same question, the only thing I had in my head for the entire night after getting Jen’s message – why did he do this. “He has you thinking about him again.”

“I know, but why? What does he get from that? Why does he want to keep this hold on me?” I couldn’t shake the thoughts. He was consuming me again, and suddenly I found myself considering last-minute flights to see him in the near future. I found myself remembering how good it felt fucking him, how awesome it would be to get lost in those eyes again. And these thoughts repulsed me. “Why did he do this?” I asked Jen the same question via text and got the same answer. It wasn’t good enough.

“From an outside perspective he seems like crazy psycho stalker,” Sis-in-law said, and I immediately heard myself defending him. I felt my body tense up. I listened to her reasoning and told her why I didn’t think that, called him controlling instead. I felt hurt that someone would say such things about My Ruiner – yes, he became MY Ruiner again, instead of The Ruiner.

I lied in bed tossing and turning, unable to stop thinking about him for a second. I was consumed and beating myself up inside for the emotion he’d stirred up after all this time. I’d thought I was over him. I’d thought I’d had enough and realized how horrible a mistake I’d made, how much time I’d wasted, how much of my life I’d fucked up…but no. All it took was a book, a card, a visit and a text from Jen to completely throw me off. I spent the entire night dreaming about him, then waking up and scolding myself for having these thoughts and dreams.

The only dreams I had that didn’t involve him were about Jen and the conversation we’d had about her hook-up with Big Fish. After telling me about My Ruiner showing up at MyBux we’d discussed the whole thing, she’d apologized and we were on our way to mending that little dent she’d created in our friendship with her poor judgment.

When I woke up this morning My Ruiner was still in my head, and I was still mad at myself for having anything other than indifference in my head for him. I was still angry and a little sad and still entertaining the idea of looking into those eyes again. Somehow as I went through my day the thoughts of him went away completely. I didn’t spend the whole day wondering or analyzing or wishing. In fact until I decided to write about it 30 minutes ago I didn’t give My Ruiner another thought the rest of the day.

As I’ve been writing I’ve wondered again what the card could possibly say, what kind of emotions it would stir up, what my reaction will be. I’ve wondered if I will be able to maintain this distance I’ve created or if I’ll cave entirely and call him up or send a text. I’ve wondered if I’ll thank him or ignore him, if I’ll think I love him again or hate him even more. Little Sis suggested I don’t even open the card and instead just pitch it. I’m sure this is what my friend Jake would do, and advise that I do, but there’s no way. I can’t not know. It’s so not even an option.

I have to say that this really is the last thing I expected to happen. I truly thought we could be done and never have to deal with this again. My only hope right now is that there is nothing written in that card that sends me into a spiral of stupidity that will set me back again. I don’t think it will, but I guess I just don’t trust myself 100% when it comes to this bastard. And yeah, I’m sure that’s what he was banking on when he decided to do this.

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