Last weekend while I was getting ridiculously drunk at Will’s house his boyfriend said that he’d eaten by himself for the first time. I was pretty proud of myself for doing the solo movie thing for the first time, but aside from the one time I’d studied through lunch by myself I’d never eaten alone. At every single job I’ve had I’d either take my food back to my desk or eat in my car. I’d rarely even go in to pick something up unless it was something I a) really wanted and 2) a place I’d been before. The reason for this was the fear of the unknown. The anxiety of asking someone to wait while I decided. The lingering fat-girl syndrome of not knowing what I’ll want to eat, everything looking good and feeling like every single person in the world is looking at me thinking I shouldn’t be eating at all. I have serious trouble with this still.
So the fact that this week I actually ate lunch in a restaurant by myself 3 times was pretty fucking huge. I felt like I should email The Therapist to tell him. I’m sure he woulda been proud, and even more sure that he would have reminded me of the day I sat in his office telling him about how scared I felt just walking to the bathroom from my table while out at a restaurant for lunch with Will. He loved to remind me of that. And that was over a year ago…I feel like I’ve come so far even since then, even though I still need to come way further, but I think he’d be proud.
Speaking of the therapist I haven’t decided if I’m going back or not now that I have my health insurance back. I always thought I would, but I’m not sure right now. There are a few reasons…one – his office is kinda far away and I would have to take time off work to go. Not sure I want to do that. Also, I know what my major issues are right now and I’m working them. I’m pot-free, and have been for like 2 months now – what what!?!? Big ups to myself on that one. And yeah, I just don’t know what I need him for right now. I’ve made it through the hard parts, and I’m not sure what I’d talk to him about at this point.
Right now my mission is to find a part-time job that I love as much as TheBuxs but pays more and offers me a discount on something I love almost as much as coffee. I don’t know what that something is…I’ve considered the book store (pay is crap, but I do love books), a clothing store (but I am not good at dressing people), the tea store (crap pay again and I could only work weekends because the mall closes early), independent coffee shop (not many in the area)…and the only thing still resonating with me………..sex toy sales rep. Yeah, you know the ones who act as hostess for in-home parties? Yeah. If I could get people to have the parties I’d be good. But there’s that “if”….but I guess I’d never know until trying so why not. This seems like the best option.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
Advertisement
lil victories
Last weekend while I was getting ridiculously drunk at Will’s house his boyfriend said that he’d eaten by himself for the first time. I was pretty proud of myself for doing the solo movie thing for the first time, but aside from the one time I’d studied through lunch by myself I’d never eaten alone. At every single job I’ve had I’d either take my food back to my desk or eat in my car. I’d rarely even go in to pick something up unless it was something I a) really wanted and 2) a place I’d been before. The reason for this was the fear of the unknown. The anxiety of asking someone to wait while I decided. The lingering fat-girl syndrome of not knowing what I’ll want to eat, everything looking good and feeling like every single person in the world is looking at me thinking I shouldn’t be eating at all. I have serious trouble with this still.
So the fact that this week I actually ate lunch in a restaurant by myself 3 times was pretty fucking huge. I felt like I should email The Therapist to tell him. I’m sure he woulda been proud, and even more sure that he would have reminded me of the day I sat in his office telling him about how scared I felt just walking to the bathroom from my table while out at a restaurant for lunch with Will. He loved to remind me of that. And that was over a year ago…I feel like I’ve come so far even since then, even though I still need to come way further, but I think he’d be proud.
Speaking of the therapist I haven’t decided if I’m going back or not now that I have my health insurance back. I always thought I would, but I’m not sure right now. There are a few reasons…one – his office is kinda far away and I would have to take time off work to go. Not sure I want to do that. Also, I know what my major issues are right now and I’m working them. I’m pot-free, and have been for like 2 months now – what what!?!? Big ups to myself on that one. And yeah, I just don’t know what I need him for right now. I’ve made it through the hard parts, and I’m not sure what I’d talk to him about at this point.
Right now my mission is to find a part-time job that I love as much as TheBuxs but pays more and offers me a discount on something I love almost as much as coffee. I don’t know what that something is…I’ve considered the book store (pay is crap, but I do love books), a clothing store (but I am not good at dressing people), the tea store (crap pay again and I could only work weekends because the mall closes early), independent coffee shop (not many in the area)…and the only thing still resonating with me………..sex toy sales rep. Yeah, you know the ones who act as hostess for in-home parties? Yeah. If I could get people to have the parties I’d be good. But there’s that “if”….but I guess I’d never know until trying so why not. This seems like the best option.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T