Maybe I should assign levels to the anxiety like the US Government does with terrorism. If I did that today would be RED. Why? Fuck if I know! That’s the kicker. I can’t figure it out, but I’ve felt like complete and utter shit for the past 3 days and I cannot make it go away. I thought being back at work today would relieve it, but noooo. Instead it’s been OOC for the third day in a row, causing me even more anxiety as I try to no avail to make this shit go away. Finally I sent an email to The Therapist this morning telling him that I’m ready to come back. But even that couldn’t go right, as he sent me an email back telling me he doesn’t accept my insurance. This means I’ll be paying out of network fees. What the fuck.
I immediately went online and started shopping for new therapists, responding to him that it must be a sign from jesiis that I shouldn’t come back. Certainly I could find someone closer who accepts my insurance, but what a fucking pain in the ass. For about 3 seconds I thought it might be good to start fresh, but then I thought of all the time it would take to get back to where I’ve gotten with The Therapist in 4 years. Ick. And so I said fuck it. It’s not meant to be. But this anxiety is killing me. It’s totally fucking with my head and my life and my sense of well-being and I’m just pissed off about it. Hell, I’ve cut way back on caffeine, started working out, sleeping regularly…what else can I do? Why is this happening now?
So I left work at lunchtime and headed to get something to eat. It’s really hard for me to eat when I’m anxious, so I really didn’t want to eat anything, but I know in the end that would only make things worse. So I drove to get something to eat and while I was driving looked down to see the indicator light on my phone blinking. And it was an email from The Therapist…asking me if I could swing $30 per session. Omg I love him. And all the anxiety went away. Aint that a bitch.
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