I’m slippin. I knew that seeing Mr. D would be a bad idea. I’d done so well not talking to him, not seeing him, not thinking about him. And then Saturday. The wheels started spinning again. I realized Saturday how much I missed just talking to him. Sure, I could stand a good rub down the way only he can do it, and I could totally go for some hot sex. But I miss just talking to him – that was the part I noticed most once the fire burning in my thighs stopped.
We talked last night and I made a stupid Barista move and told him I missed him, missed talking to him. He said he missed it too and that he’d commented to his friend Saturday about how much he missed it and how we always got along so well. We did. And then I invited him over. He declined, which was probably good, saying that he didn’t think I could separate my feelings from the situation. I wonder if he’s right.
Now that I know – beyond a reasonable doubt – that we will not be together could I have my friend back? Could we chill and laugh and talk about everything under the sun without me falling back into the emotional with him? Could I let him give me one of those awesome massages then take me to pure ecstasy over and over again without falling? Could I be ok with not having him as all mine? Could I lie next to him in my bed and wake up in his arms and not see a future with him?
And honestly I just don’t know. I want that companionship back. I want him back in my life. I want to be ok with everything, but I’m not sure I have it in me. I’m just not sure I can be completely detached from it all. I no longer want to be with him…I see that it’s not in our cards and I’m ok with that. But…but but but…if we start down that path again will I be able to stay completely unemotional? Would it even be fun if I wasn’t falling for him?
I just don’t know. Luckily I’ll have some time to think about it while I’m in Michigan, far far away from all this.
