affirmations

The day started out great as I had brunch with one of my dear friends and we therapized each other as much as was needed by both of us. It was great. I had an awesome morning, then headed home to bake all the cupcakes for Will’s housewarming. I ended up making Strawberry Cream Cheese, Better Than Sex (the 2 he’d ordered) and then I threw in Cookies n Cream and Pumpkin Spice.

I cleaned my house, got everything I needed done, and then just as I was about to get into the shower – like standing naked in my bathroom – I heard my phone ring. It was The AA. He said that he was running later than expected because of his class meeting and kinda beat around the bush about me possibly meeting him in midtown instead of him driving all the way back to my place from downtown (where his study group met) and then back to midtown. He sensed how annoyed I was at this change of plans and said he’d be on his way soon.

So I got in the shower, started getting ready, all that. And when I went to my bedroom post-shower I saw that he’d called twice so I called him back.

“So I was thinking you could meet me in midtown and we could drive separately because I really can’t stay long, but I want to meet Will. That way you don’t have to leave when I do, so why don’t we meet by your old Starbucks?”

I fell silent. I was annoyed. Pissed even. This would be the first time I’ve had with him in 8 days, aside from our lunch Wednesday, and I was looking so forward to it.

“Oh,” I said, unable to hide how I felt.

“What do you think? Is that ok?”

“Ummm…I guess.” I tried to not be disappointed, but I was – plain and simple. I’d expected this to be our night together. And while I knew I probably wouldn’t stay at Will’s into the wee hours of the morning I was annoyed that he was already putting time limits on it. And I was even more disappointed that this very obviously meant he wouldn’t be coming home with me.

I had so much trouble hiding how disappointed I was, but I tried not to be a spoiled brat and agreed to meet him closer to Will’s house.

“You’re so upset,” he said when he first saw me. And he was right. I’d been fighting back the tears since he’d called. It was all these fears that Tranny Chris gave me resurfacing. There was probably a girl he wanted to see more than me. I probably wasn’t good enough. He didn’t like me. I’d done something to turn him off. I was amazed as I drove to midtown to meet him that I wasn’t more anxious.

“I’m not mad,” I told him, barely able to look him in the eye.

“Disappointed then.”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Barista, I’m sorry. I really wanted to meet Will and to see you and when I committed to this I didn’t realize how much I had to do.”

We drove to Will’s and on the way there I got a text from The Canadian telling me that maybe he was just tired and I should just enjoy it and have a good time. And when I told him this he said, “Tell her thank you.” And I dropped the attitude and entered Will’s place like nothing had happened.

I introduced him to everyone as my friend, The AA, because that seemed like the right way to do it. And I was totally impressed by how well he did on his own as I chatted with some of my old friends. I’d missed these guys!

We stayed about 2 hours before he said he was ready to go, so we did. But not before I made all kinds of people do cupcake tastings at the dining room table. It was fun. And Will’s new place is amaaaaazing! Soooo beautiful!

We left and when we got back to the Starbucks where I’d left my car we sat there for a minute, facing each other. He grabbed my hand and held it as he spoke. “I don’t know what you were thinking about tonight, but I’m really trying to balance everything I need to do. And seeing you.”

“I don’t want to be making you a priority if I’m just an option.”

“Ok, well that bothers me. Because I don’t see you as an option at all. I love spending time with you. This is just such a busy time for me and I really wanted to meet Will and spend time with you, but I also have some things I have to get done.”

“It just kinda scared me when you called.”

“What scared you? Talk to me. I know my words will never be as much of a force as my actions, but tell me how you felt so I can understand.”

I melted as he opened up, told me how much he likes me and likes spending time with me, all while stroking my hand with his fingers. It wasn’t Tranny Chris’s way of trying to get out of something, but rather a mature man trying to make sure he doesn’t upset me and dealing with what we’re faced with. He turned to look at me while he talked, he told me how much he loves spending time with me and apologized for being in such a time while we’re getting to know each other.

“I’m sorry I’m so busy right now,” he said. “December 9th I’ll be done with exams.”

“We should go to the beach!” I half-joked, half wanted. Ok, so I ALL wanted, but I made it a joke. “We are a product of our experiences, but I never want to hold the past against anyone in the present.”

“But it’s inevitable,” he said. “I like you. I like the time we spend together and I want you to be comfortable. I’m sorry things are like this right now, but please don’t take it to mean that I’m not in this.”

My fingers stroked his hand back the way his was doing mine. “Ok, I believe you,” and while the words were hard I meant them. He was opening up and I felt it.

“I want to kiss you now,” he told me and I immediately got shy, looking anywhere bit at him.

“Why are you smiling like that!?”

“I like you. This is why.”

“Why?”

“Because I like who you are. And there are so many different pieces. Can I kiss you now”

I put my hands between my knees, totally got shy and looked away.

He laughed. “You really are shy! And I really want to kiss you right now.”

I looked at him for a second and looked away again, feeling so nervous like it was or first kiss all over again. He touched my chin softly like he was hesitant but knew what he wanted.

And when he kissed me I lost all worry, all fear, all sense of uncomfort. His lips on mine….wow. We kissed for a minute and it made us both a little more excited than we were supposed to be.

“I want to come home with you. I do.”

“I know,” I looked over at him and kissed him again. The feelings were so strong as his mouth was on mine, his lips softly caressing mine, the passion igniting.

“Oh how I want to come home with you!” He said and I kissed him again, then turned to look at The AA.

“I want you to, too. But I want you to want to come because you want to, not because of the kiss.”

“You’re so smart, Barista.” And who was I kidding!? I wanted to lay next to him. I wanted to feel his soft hands and warm body next to me. I wanted him so badly.

“Good night. Drive safely,” I told him as we stared into the other’s eyes.

“Yes, please let me know you got home safely, ok?” I leaned over and kissed him again, then reach for the door and got out. “You’re a big tease!”

I drove home feeling giddy, so glad that he’d taken the time to talk about everything. I couldn’t doubt his words because he hasn’t give me reason to. He’s not Tranny Chris. He’s The African Accountant, the one who wants to talk when I’m upset and figure things out. He never once accused me of being needy or wanting too much. He just wanted to calm my fears. He wanted to make sure I was ok and that I knew where he was standing.

I guess this is how grown-ups do it.