He called, but my phone has been on silent all weekend to avoid hearing it. It’s been good. I’d talked at length with Ex-Husband this morning and he told me to not talk to him, to tell him I need time.
The AA told me he misses me. That he hasn’t been able to study all weekend because he’s been sad. That he thinks we’re both trying to protect ourselves. I told him I think it’s ridiculous. This was all via text. Then he called again. I didn’t answer again. He sent me another message asking me to please call. I told him that Ex-Husband said I shouldn’t. He asked what Barista thinks. Barista thinks she misses you. Barista needs a hug.
I finally called. We awkwardly talked about our weekends. He asked about the pups. He felt my sadness, I felt his. “I was going to come over today,” he said and I pretended I didn’t hear him, told Moxie to leave Cuddles alone.
The pups…wow, they know I’m a mess. They have both been so sweet this weekend. So quiet. Just lying by me, comforting me, trying to make me feel ok again. Amazing how perceptive they are. Amazing how unconditional they are. Yes, they’re dogs, but they seem to know.
Talking to him may have been weird, but it was nice, too. I wonder how it will be once his exams are over, his sister is gone to Kenya for the holiday and he is alone. I bet he’ll be all about me, Cuddles and Moxie. And how will I say no when he makes me smile the way he does, when we miss each other so much. How will I ignore him? Answer is – I won’t.
I know I shouldn’t entertain this. I know I should continue with the cutting off as I do so well. He called me again. “I just wanted to say good night,” he said. We talked for 20 minutes. He thanked me for letting him hear my voice again, said he wondered if I’d ever speak to him again and it felt good to be talking to me.
We haven’t talked about anything. Nothing has been discussed aside from the acknowledgment of missing each other via text this afternoon. There is probably not much to say, I suppose. It’s all been said. And now we just miss each other….and I want to see him yet I think it will be way harder than not seeing him.
Oh how my head spins. I’m so confused.
