more random cruise funnies/horrors

“What’s that pill you’re taking?” The AA asked me and I ignored him. He continued talking because that’s what he does. “I mean we didn’t even have sex last night. I could understand if we did.”

I gave him an ultra puzzled look. “Wait. Do you think this is the morning after pill?”

“Yeah.”

“Ummm no. I’d never take that.” At this point I was seriously questioning his sanity. No, he wasn’t joking.

“You know those people at our table?”

“Who? Gina and Jack? Erica and Robert? Which people?” He looked at me with amazement in his eyes.

“You know their names?”

“You don’t?” Ummm we’d only spent 2 hours dining with them and we’d all introduced ourselves.

“No! How do you remember them?”

“I’m genuinely interested in other people so I pay attention when they talk. You should try it.”

“Interesting.”

“So you probably didn’t know that Gina is from NJ and Jack is from Chicago either, huh?”

“How do you know these things?”

“I listen?”

He continued to call Lauren “Laurie” the entire 3 days.

(Yes, I understand that some people are bad with names and I would have allowed him this out if he hadn’t proven that he’s just so self-centered that he has no idea of what’s going on around him unless it directly involves him.)

I’m easy. I’ll admit that. But when you dry hump my leg you aint gettin none. Period. Be more creative, please. Mr. D has set the bar high for all ya’ll.

And I’m a woman (surprise!)…an easy one at that….so be affectionate and pay me some attention throughout the day, not just when we’re in bed. ‘Nough said? Apparently not so obvious to the young crowd.

Oh yeah, I won a 5 carat midnight sapphire in one of those hook ‘em jewelry shops. By drawing that we HAD to attend. They say it’s worth $250. I can’t sell it for $20 on ebay.

Drinking didn’t make things seem any better, I’m afraid.

“Excuse me, what time does the Windjammer stop serving food?”

Sounds like a completely legitimate question, right? Right. Just not when you’re asking the custom’s agent outside the ship. Do you really think they keep track of that shit? Really?

“This pizza is good, but it’s not like Pizza Hut or anything. Pizza Hut is, like, the best pizza ever.”

I fell silent, staring off into space and searching for the right words. “Umm….welll…..I guess I probably thought that at 25, too…”

“26,” he corrected me.

“26. But since then I’ve had much better and I’d never consider Pizza Hut an option if I were to crave pizza.”

“Reallllllyyy!?”

Blank Barista stare.

“But it’s soooo good! It’s the best!”

I smiled a fake smile to hide the fact that I was throwing up in my mouth.

“Hey, there’s a Zaxby’s at this exit.” This was on the drive home.

“Yeah, well I don’t really want Zaxby’s for lunch. But you can get it and I’ll get something else,” I said.

“No, we should eat lunch together. What do you want?”

“I’m not sure, I’ll let you know when we get off at the Starbucks exit.”

So we get off the exit and can’t find the Starbucks. My phone has died (horror!) so I can’t even use google maps to find it.

“Ok, well I’m just going to stop at Zaxby’s,” he said.

“But I don’t want Zaxby’s.” At this point I was just being difficult because I wanted to see how he’d react.

“Ok, well you can get what you want, but I’m going to get Zaxby’s.”

“Wait, I thought you said you wanted us to eat together?” I turned and gave him the death look.

“It’s ok, relax. I’ll just get it to go and take it to wherever you want to go and eat it there.”

“Ummm no. You don’t take food from one place into another. And you said you wanted us to eat together, but now that you see that you don’t get to have your way for ONCE on this trip you’re going to do it anyway?? Are you kidding me!? I can’t believe you. This is frickin ridiculous! You can’t see anything outside of what YOU want. It’s been like this the whole time!” Yes, I raised my voice and my lip trembled a tiny bit.

“Ok, so what do you want to eat?”

“Just get Zaxby’s. I don’t care. I won’t eat. I don’t want to eat with you.” I was ready to play the “fuck you” game, then I realized….ummm FUCK THAT. I was going to eat. Why make myself miserable just to try to make a self-centered ass feel bad when he wouldn’t feel nearly as bad as I would. “I want to go there,” I said, pointing at Cracker Barrel, which is certainly not a choice I’d usually make, but would serve to annoy him enough to make me happy.

“Ok.”

I hated him at this moment. And ended up eating crappy food because I was trying to prove a point. But I did buy a cute snowman platter for my xmas cookies. Ok.

“I’m sorry, Barista. I really am.”

“Stop apologizing. I don’t want an apology.”

“Will you ever talk to me again after this?”

“Oh sure, sure. It’s not that serious.” I don’t like for people to feel bad.

2 minutes of silence and I’m back to reading my book.

“So,” he began, ” what was your favorite part of the cruise?”

Are you fucking kidding me!? The part when I was asleep and didn’t have to hear you talking incessantly? Or was it the part when I disappeared for 45 minutes to have some alone time? Or was it when I pretended to be asleep so you’d leave me alone? Damn, how could I choose just ONE favorite!?

“Ok, now in this part of the song when it says ‘LA LA LA’ you say ‘LA LA LA’ back. Ok? Now do it.” This was on the drive home.

I looked up for a second then turned back to reading my book.

“Why don’t you ever want to do anything fun? I mean, come on!”

I picked up my bookmark, saved my place, shut the book and looked over at him. Actually I stared for a minute before speaking. He couldn’t stand the silence.

“I’m serious! You don’t want to dance or sing! It’s fun! Why won’t you do it?!”

“Look. I don’t dance. I don’t sing. They aren’t things I enjoy.” I glanced at the clock, then turned the radio off. “It’s 551. For the next 4 minutes I’m going to sit here and read and you are going to think back over the past 3 days and come up with all the things I didn’t want to do but did anyway. If you think really hard you’ll realize that the only two things I’ve refused to do this entire trip are sing and dance…..two things I just don’t do. Of course you didn’t notice any of those things because I agreed to do what you thought was fun, but the only two things I don’t want to do you make a huge deal out of.” I turned back to my book

“But…”

I cut him off. “Four minutes. Think about it.”

Four minutes later. “I’m sorry, Barista.”

“Did you come up with anything?”

“Barista, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to make you have a bad time.” I kept reading because he wasn’t following my instructions. Yes, I was in full-on bitch mode at this point.

Silence.

“So, if you could change one thing about the ship what would it be?”

In my head: you’re a fucking idiot.

I kept reading and he went back to singing along with the music.