lonely

The declaration was made yesterday. Out loud. To The Therapist.

I am lonely.

And while I know that hanging out with Mr. D is indicative of bad choices, as I told Alex today it’s so much better to have someone to hang out with and talk to than nobody. I do understand what Allison said at lunch yesterday about it being very easy for me to fall back into “like” with Mr. D….and yeah, I remember when he was mean about things. But the truth is we have good conversations. And I’m not trying to be with him. I am just trying to not always be alone. I don’t like to be alone so much. Sure, I’ve adjusted over the years, but as I opened up to The Therapist about it today I realized that this is probably the alonest I’ve been in ages. And it sucks.

It came while talking about drinking. The nightly habits that have always been a part of me. Before it was the p-o-t. Before/during the p-o-t it was all the little “treats” I’d have….as Alex calls them. Because when I was 300 pounds I never was one to eat a whole bag of chips or a whole box of cookies. I’d just eat some chips, some cookies, some candy, some of this and some of that. I’d look forward to going home at night to my treats, which always had the preface of a big fat blunt. Post-surgery the treat became tea, then back to the p-o-t. It helped me escape the anxiety, the loneliness, the feelings. And when I quit smoking p-o-t a year ago I replaced it with exercise. Running in the park with Cuddles every night.

And then I did my first 5k. The one that left me feeling higher than I ever had on any drug. And then I stopped running.

This is the first time I’ve thought about it, but now that I have I know exactly why. It was much easier to talk to Mr. D when I’d had a few glasses of wine. It was easier to tell him certain things because I really liked him and I wanted him to really like me. So I’d have a couple of glasses of wine before talking to him. And the pattern began.

As things with Mr. D progressed (in my head) it got scarier and scarier. Why? Because I likely knew in my heart that he wasn’t in. I didn’t want to believe it because I really liked him, I’d overlooked his flaws and hoped he’d done me the same favor. But I knew in my heart that he hadn’t. And being semi-tipsy was easier than knowing I wasn’t chosen again. Again. And by someone I was willing to accept – flaws and all.

After that it became a habit. Mr. D was kicked out, but the wine stayed. The hurt stayed. The loneliness stayed. And the wine made it go away for a bit. It made me forget. Just as the p-o-t would make me forget the fights I’d have with Ex-Husband or the cheating The Heartbreaker was doing.

And now it’s habit. It’s my nightly treat. It’s what I look forward to come 4:00 when the office seems soooo boring and the yawning kicks into high gear. And now I’ll have to find something new to get excited about. Running again, I think. And making new cupcake flavors. Maybe crafty stuff. I dunno yet what it will be, but I’ll be thinking a lot about it as I map out my plan for 2010.

Kicking out the loneliness is key.

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