intimacy

Lately I haven’t been able to sleep at night.  Sleeping has never in my life been a problem for me, so this is rather annoying.  Generally I can fall asleep anywhere, at any time.  With ease.  Not so much these days.  Whereas I used to knock out and not wake til my alarm was blaring in my ear, I now wake up a few times a night.  Sometimes I can’t fall back asleep so I watch tv or eat a sandwich.  This is not normal for me.  In fact it’s wayyyy abnormal for me.

This week has been really rough.  I was exhausted Monday when I got home from work – after spending a horribly busy day fighting off a headache from Sunday night’s lack of sleep – so all I wanted to do was lie down in my sea of pink and white and crash.  Instead I ate sushi, something I never really liked that much but have been craving with a vengeance lately, watched a movie and then when I tried to go to bed I ended up lying there wide awake until I finally just watched The Bachelorette AND RHNJ.  You know that means 3 hours of tv, right?  Starting after 11pm.  This is insanity.

Last night Mr. D came over.  I made him an amazingly delicious dinner – smothered pork chops, rice, mac & cheese and corn on the cob.  I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever seen him loving something I’ve cooked for him as much as he did last night, and he generally loves pretty much everything I make.  This was just that fucking awesome.  We watched 2 movies on the couch – both sucked.  It was nearly 1am when the second one finished and I tried to fall asleep for at least 30 minutes after.  Mr. D gets up to pee at least 2-3 times a night and last night was no exception.  Generally I sleep through it.  Not anymore.  I woke up both times, then once to pee myself (never, ever happens).  When my alarm went off at 6:30 my head was pounding and I wanted to throw my phone against the wall.  Instead I just hit snooze every ten minutes for the next 70 minutes.  Mr. D slept through it all.  Lucky bastard.

Waking up next to him this morning was quite heavenly.  I rather enjoyed reaching over in the night when I’d wake up and running my hand over his hard stomach or smooth back.  It felt nice hearing him breathing loudly next to me and feeling him move closer, yet staying cognizant of my personal space.  There’s a peace with him that makes me feel so comfortable and content.  And after having a conversation with Hot Flash about it when we drove to Starbucks my last morning in South Florida I’ve heard nothing in my head but “do what makes you happy”…and that’s exactly what I’m concentrating on. 

As I’ve said 100 times or more, one of my favorite times with Mr. D is in the morning…either when we’re waking up, lying in bed talking or when he’s in the bathroom with me and we’re talking while I’m putting my makeup on.  These are such pure, simple moments of US.  I also love walking into my bedroom and seeing that he’s awake, that morning smile we share.  So genuine and simple.  I like the simple with him.  And this morning when he hugged me before leaving I kissed his neck softly before pulling away.  I don’t usually do that – I’m not super affectionate with him and I’m trying to break through that because I want to be.  He was surprised, to say the least, and the look on his face was priceless.  “Wow!  Now I know this is going to be a great day!”

I turned away so he wouldn’t see my blush and got into my truck to head to work.  And as I drove it reminded me – yet again – that Mr. D responds so much more favorably when I’m open, honest, affectionate and totally myself.  When I’m holding back or trying to be hard or tough or pretending like things don’t bother me we disconnect a little.  Maybe not disconnect, but we don’t connect more…that sounds more accurate.  I’ve always had trouble expressing myself in relationships, I never understood what intimacy was until I started seeing The Therapist after Ex-Husband and I separated.  Up until then I thought it was sexual, not emotional.  I haven’t had a meaningful relationship since, so I haven’t had a chance to learn how to do it. 

So, while it may seem like this situation with Mr. D could be in vain, it’s not.  He’s been teaching me to trust, to be open, to accept help and ask for it when I need it.  He’s been there unconditionally.  He responds when I’m at my best and doesn’t entertain the nonsense when I’m not.  I now wonder if maybe the thing standing in the way of us was/is ME.  Numbing myself to avoid being hurt by the reality of my feelings, only opening up completely after having a few drinks.  I’m not making excuses for him or looking for reasons to stay around.  I don’t need them.  I am staying around because he makes me happy and until that stops I am ok with it.

In the meantime, I’m going to use this situation to try to push myself to the next limit.  I’m going to commit to being more open, trusting him with my emotions and feelings, as he’s shown me he should be trusted.  I’m going to work on myself in this area, because even if it doesn’t mean Mr. D and I will be together in the end it will still be great practice for the next relationship I’m in.

Advertisement