the. end.

I….ummm…I can’t.  I can’t have this conversation.  Why did I let it go here?  Why did I add my piece about the dream I had the other night?  Why is my heart beating so hard against my chest. 

“Being here is making me think about having kids.”

Why are babies coming up so often right now?  It started with that dream I had last weekend…the one where I’d had the most gorgeous baby girl ever…daughter of Ex-Husband.  He wasn’t around, I hadn’t even told him about the baby. She was just mine.

That came after I’d resolved that maybe I’m not ready for all this.  I’m sure that’s what caused the dream.  We all know how that works.  Still, I woke up in the morning wanting nothing more than to fall back asleep and have more time to spend with that little angel.

And then yesterday – that conversation in the break room.  Didn’t upset me at all.  Didn’t make me think anything crazy like “Let me go get knocked up by some random dude” or anything like that.  Didn’t make my uterus ache like it used to.  Just made me laugh.  No biggie.

But today – oh, dear. 

We’d been having a funny conversation about random dumb things.  “Have you been drinking?” I knew he hadn’t, but he seemed to be in rare form – funnier than normal.  Perhaps just very relaxed because he’s on vacation.  He’d told me yesterday how the time he was spending with his family was priceless and it made me smile. 

An hour later I saw the light blinking on my phone and reached down to see what it was.  “Watching these kids with their parents is so cute.”

I blinked.  Told him about the dream about the baby.  He asked whose baby it was and laughed when I said Ex-Husband’s.

And then…”Being here is making me think about having kids.”  Fro. Zen.  I couldn’t say anything, so I didn’t.  I ignored the message, felt my heart pound against my chest, the lump in my throat.

Like never before I realized in this moment that I have to let go of him.  Now.

I’m leaving Georgia.

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