and a fuck you

To cut it off.

I think about it daily, but what keeps me from actually doing it is the fact that I know a big piece of why I want to cut it off is I’m hoping for a reaction. A reaction I’ll never get. And I fully believe in not doing things with the intention/hope of getting a reaction because it seldom, if ever, yields the result we’re looking for.

But lately I’ve been entertaining the idea of cutting things off.

The other day, in the midst of trying to talk to him about the situation that made me tear up he changed the subject mid-convo to talk about a woman.

Eeek!

The truth is I talk to him about my man situations, but have told him on many an occasion that I’m not ready to hear about his women situations. Wrong? Maybe. But I’m honest about it. It’s not something I could handle.

So as he’s telling me about it I tried to act like we were talking about the weather…anything random that would keep me from fully processing the fact that he obviously really likes this woman. I read. I processed. I asked questions.

And then I stopped.

In a way I felt slightly victorious.

Never once have I ever wished him to feel sad about anything. I like him too much to do that. But suddenly his words sounded like mine.

And suddenly I felt victorious.

From the beginning he told me nothing would ever happen. I tried to enjoy the moments and take it for what it was. But instead I fell crazy head over heels for him. I fell in love.

Seems he did a similar thing.

So as he told me that they had this agreement, but “we’ve been hanging out 2-3 times a week, talk every day” I flashed back to how I’d felt. He was sleeping over 2-3 times a week. We were going out, staying in, having good sex, being good friends…and nothing.

So when it bothered him it kinda felt good. Like Ha! See!?!?

“It seems the women I’m interested in aren’t interested in me,” he said. ” story of my life, I guess.”

Ya think?! Or maybe karma? Or maybe everyone wants what they can’t have? Jeeez! It’s not just you!

But here you are telling ME this like I didn’t just go through it. And I hate you for that. I hate you for acting like you don’t know when I know you know!

I stopped responding. Because that’s how he did me. I was upset about something and he turned it to him, so I shut down. And I didn’t hear from him again. Ummm ok.

And my heart says fuck you.

Fuck you for suggesting we hook up outside the realm of our now-relationship that hasn’t included sex for almost a year now.

Fuck you for telling me how you feel about someone else when you know how I feel about you.

Fuck you for forgetting the dates of the vacation we were supposed to take.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you for saying I’m insensitive when I go out of my way to not hurt your feelings.

Fuck you for not realizing that your friend can’t take it.

Fuck you for acting like none of it happened.

Fuck you.

And you know what, DickFace? For once yes – I’m victorious. I’m glad she’s giving you a taste of what you’ve given others (me).

And fuck you.

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