exes

Today I had lunch with Ex-Husband, something we seem to try to do at least once a month. That man makes me laugh so hard it’s almost stupid.

Today, as I sat across from him, I couldn’t help but notice how cute he is. I always have thought that, but today it really stood out. Maybe because we had wine with lunch and even before that I was in a very happy mood or maybe just because he is attractive.

People often say to me, “I think it’s so great that you two are still friends.” The exception being men I date because they automatically assume our friendship is also physical, which it’s not. Ex-H and I remained physical with each other periodically after we separated, but once that divorce was final I made it clear that it would never happen again. And in 5.5 years it hasn’t.

But the other thing is – I don’t just consider him to be my friend. He’s more like family to me. My parents and The Canadian love him. Like LOVE him. The Canadian even says sometimes that she hopes we get back together. Friends have said that, too. And they’re all right about him – he’s a great guy. I love being around him. I love him. But could I ever be in love with him again? I don’t know. Could he ever be in love with me again? This I doubt even more.

And today as I sat across from him all I could think was that – quite possibly – this wonderful man made my relationships now so much harder for me. He’s left shoes that are so big. Hard to fill. He’s awesome. Honest almost to a fault (like me). Would never do anyone wrong and is pleasant to be around.

We fight like cats and dogs. The underlying love is there, the mutual respect, but we’re both very sarcastic and guarded and we take shots at each other like it’s going out of style.

Truth is – I’m glad he left me. That day was so painful, so terribly hard. I didn’t believe it was real, but it was. And as I reflected on it later I understood. I still understand. Do I think we could have worked through it? Temporarily, yes. But there was a deep-rooted fear, a wall, he couldn’t break down. And we were so very young that it didn’t stand a chance.

I’m glad now that he left. I’m glad he saw what I didn’t see because in the past 5 years I’ve done things I never would have done. He was right all those times he said “love shouldn’t be this hard” and I now agree. It shouldnt. We should work through shit, but it should never be that hard.

I’m thinking about him now because I just saw him. I just experienced that comfort I feel with so few people and it made me wonder. It always does. “Would you ever marry the same person again?” one of my favorite baristas asked as I waited for my coffee post-lunch.

“really? I don’t know.” And that’s the truth. I love him. But I don’t see us like that anymore. I trust him completely. I know him better than I know most people in the world. And he’s great. But the real problem is – and always has been – that we’re both emotional people trying to hide how emotional we are. We both have huge walls up and are likely only this comfortable with each other because we don’t pose a threat at this time. And I know I like that. He probably does, too.

But will I ever meet anyone who meets the Ex-H standard? This I’m doubtful of. Since we’ve been divorced I’ve met nobody who even had a desire to be as good a man as M is. I take that back. Mr. D is on the M level. And it’s no surprise to me why I’ve been stuck on Mr. D for so long…he’s the closest I’ve ever come to Ex-H’d awesomeness. The others I have had mo problem letting go of because these two set the bar so high.

And yeah, I get that people reading this don’t see the Mr. D I know, but it’s true. So if you notice anything, you should notice that there are few men that come in and have that effect on me. Those two. Nobody else has.

Ex-H has had a girlfriend – that he still refuses to call his girlfriend (hello, Mr. D) for years. I really like her and would never ever do anything to disrespect her. Ever. I like her, in fact I think I said that already. I think they’re good together, but I can’t change his belief of “never getting married again.” And I feel somewhat responsible for that.

Our story is complicated, but it’s been told here before. In the end it remains…just as with D (minus the amaaaaazing sex)…we’re not together. And so I enjoy out lunches. I wonder a little sometimes, but in the end I know.

I never was as never could be the ideal woman both of them still think they should have.

Sent from my iPhone