For the past few weeks since things went a lil awry with Secret Crush I’ve avoided the place where we’d run into each other like the plague. And I hate that. Because it was a place where I always felt comfortable and like it was just another part of my day…at least a few times a week. The truth, however, is that when I feel something for someone and it goes away I just try to avoid being uncomfortable at all costs. Like in this situation. I couldn’t face him. I was a little hurt.
I mean – sure, I had cancelled on him that Sunday after the “lost phone incident”. Sure, I had started responding to his texts with one word answers that could be interpreted as short at best. Sure, I had ultimately decided that I wasn’t going to do it.
But you know I didn’t want him to accept that. Yes. I acted one way with hopes of getting a certain reaction I didn’t ultimately get. And that annoyed me. I couldn’t understand it. How could we go out and have such an awesome connection and he tell me all those things and not really mean them? Who does that?
Oh yeah – men.
Oh well. You’d think at 34 I’d understand that by now, but I don’t think I ever will.
So Sunday morning post-cupcake order I went to Target and – since I now know SC’s car – i stopped at the place we’d always run into each other…because I didn’t see said car. I was safe. I walked in confident in my cute lil sundress and bam! there he was. In front of me. Fuuuck. And he saw me. I couldn’t just turn around and walk out. I had to fake it.
“Hi,” he said, barely looking at me.
“Hey.” I couldn’t look him in the eye – my eyes give me away too much. But then I smiled and I couldn’t help but feel a little happy to see his adorable face. As much as I didn’t want to!
“You tricked me,” I said. “I didn’t see your car so I didn’t think you’d be here. I thought it was safe.” I tried to be a little funny, smiled at him and looked up at him briefly as he looked down, but not at me.
“Oh yeah, well my car is in the shop so I have a loaner,” he said, making eye contact with me very briefly before looking away again.
“Ahh.” I left then. With grace, but I left. Saying nothing more than ahh.
About 20 minutes later I received a text from a number, since I’d long since deleted his name from my contact list on my phone. “I know you were uncomfortable today, but I still think you look absolutely beautiful in that dress.”
And ya’ll….I’m a sucker. A man who tells me I look absolutely beautiful? Done and done. He didn’t say I looked hot. He didn’t say he wanted to take my dress off. He simply said I looked absolutely beautiful and it tore me up. I’m that girl. Don’t judge me.
I responded asking him why he stopped talking to me. Not thank you. Just “Why did you stop talking to me?” Because while I will usually just add more bricks to the wall and pretend like I don’t give a shit and never let them see me emotional I just couldn’t do that with Secret Crush. I wanted to know. So I let my guard down and just asked.
His explanation? He knew I thought he was full of shit and when I started giving him short answers he decided to leave me alone. And he never wanted to.
I was a little weak in the knees when I read it, but I just responded back that I wished he hadn’t done that. Nothing more. It was dropped.
But apparently my responding gave him enough of an in to start slowly reintroducing himself to me. The good morning (minus the beautiful part) text came back. And little by little he started to open up a bit. Said “I fucking miss you and can’t stop thinking about you” while I stood in line at the DMV this morning and I felt cheeks grow red, involuntarily followed by the rolling of my eyes and the thought “Sure, buddy. I bet you say that to all the girls.”
Even through that thought, though, I couldn’t get the smile off my face. Because I felt the same way. And maybe he’s playing. And maybe he’s not. Maybe I’m filtering his words through the hurt and pain of Chris and Mark and Darren and Mr. D and all the other men who have lied and bullshitted and played me. Maybe I should just let my guard down for a minute. What’s the worst that could happen? I could get a little hurt? I mean – no way this dude could ever hurt me like The Heartbreaker did. And I survived that. I’m a survivor. I might be sad for a bit if it works out to be a bullshit situation, but ultimately I won’t die.
And that became enough this morning.
I told him I missed him, too. We talked about seeing each other soon. Unfortunately soon for me is really not that soon, as I have a million things to do in the next 3 weeks and none of them involve making time for him. Although, it’s possible I could be persuaded, it’s not likely. Because this time I’M FIRST.
Truthfully, I’m glad to hear about Secret Crush coming back. It was clear there was a connection and it just didn’t seem like it should have ended the way it did.
I’m glad he tried again, and I hope to read about you making time to see him again *very soon*.
I won’t be able to hold off too long, I’m sure. I do want to see him.
and I, too, didn’t think it should have ended the way it did and am glad he made contact…and that he seems to be very open about how he feels. Now we have to see actions match words.
Although he didn’t chase after you, I have to give Secret Crush props for correctly identifying and responding to a social cue. You gave him the hint you were through. He took it. That’s (sadly) saying something these days! It also says something about his self-esteem that he was not willing to hang around somewhere he wasn’t wanted. i.e. not so desperate for pussy he harassed you night and day til you gave in to his charms ; )
That’s a great point. I didn’t think of it like that. All I saw was the lack of chase. Thanks for pointing that out!
Ball is in your court Nilla. And I’m glad you wrote this because I didn’t just want you to write this guy off. I kinda wanted you to play it by ear which seems like the route you’re taking now. Good!