I try to surround myself with people I love and people who love me. Ex-Husband is one of these people. And to show me just how much he loves me he sent me a message today telling me that I look like my dog with my hair curly.

I love Ex-Husband.

I woke up this morning to the following email….

To my children,

I am telling you this only because I know you would kill me if I had news and didnt tell you.

Your grandmother suffered for a year and a half with lung cancer. Because she smoked. She died at age 60, that’s only 5 years older than I am now, in a nursing home because we couldnt take care of her anymore at home.

At age 61, your Aunt Kathi now has 1-3 yrs to live. “Probably closer to 1 not 3″, because she smoked. I went to her Dr’s appt with her today. She has advanced COPD/Emphysema. She’s afraid. Afraid of what she’s going to be facing, afraid she too may end up in a nursing home. Afraid of what the dying process will bring.

When we were there for Christmas, she went over who gets what… She is getting everything in order… Just because she smoked.

What about you??? What about your children??? What will you tell them when you come down with lung cancer or emphysema?? Notice I said when …not if.

Will you tell them it was just too hard to quit???

Please dont contact her about this. She would kill me if she knew I told you this. Actually, I’m not sure she even comprehends her “time limit”.

Just keep her in your prayers and while you’re at it say a few for yourself and your siblings that all of you will be able to beat this …

Love Pastor Mom

The declaration was made yesterday. Out loud. To The Therapist.

I am lonely.

And while I know that hanging out with Mr. D is indicative of bad choices, as I told Alex today it’s so much better to have someone to hang out with and talk to than nobody. I do understand what Allison said at lunch yesterday about it being very easy for me to fall back into “like” with Mr. D….and yeah, I remember when he was mean about things. But the truth is we have good conversations. And I’m not trying to be with him. I am just trying to not always be alone. I don’t like to be alone so much. Sure, I’ve adjusted over the years, but as I opened up to The Therapist about it today I realized that this is probably the alonest I’ve been in ages. And it sucks.

It came while talking about drinking. The nightly habits that have always been a part of me. Before it was the p-o-t. Before/during the p-o-t it was all the little “treats” I’d have….as Alex calls them. Because when I was 300 pounds I never was one to eat a whole bag of chips or a whole box of cookies. I’d just eat some chips, some cookies, some candy, some of this and some of that. I’d look forward to going home at night to my treats, which always had the preface of a big fat blunt. Post-surgery the treat became tea, then back to the p-o-t. It helped me escape the anxiety, the loneliness, the feelings. And when I quit smoking p-o-t a year ago I replaced it with exercise. Running in the park with Cuddles every night.

And then I did my first 5k. The one that left me feeling higher than I ever had on any drug. And then I stopped running.

This is the first time I’ve thought about it, but now that I have I know exactly why. It was much easier to talk to Mr. D when I’d had a few glasses of wine. It was easier to tell him certain things because I really liked him and I wanted him to really like me. So I’d have a couple of glasses of wine before talking to him. And the pattern began.

As things with Mr. D progressed (in my head) it got scarier and scarier. Why? Because I likely knew in my heart that he wasn’t in. I didn’t want to believe it because I really liked him, I’d overlooked his flaws and hoped he’d done me the same favor. But I knew in my heart that he hadn’t. And being semi-tipsy was easier than knowing I wasn’t chosen again. Again. And by someone I was willing to accept – flaws and all.

After that it became a habit. Mr. D was kicked out, but the wine stayed. The hurt stayed. The loneliness stayed. And the wine made it go away for a bit. It made me forget. Just as the p-o-t would make me forget the fights I’d have with Ex-Husband or the cheating The Heartbreaker was doing.

And now it’s habit. It’s my nightly treat. It’s what I look forward to come 4:00 when the office seems soooo boring and the yawning kicks into high gear. And now I’ll have to find something new to get excited about. Running again, I think. And making new cupcake flavors. Maybe crafty stuff. I dunno yet what it will be, but I’ll be thinking a lot about it as I map out my plan for 2010.

Kicking out the loneliness is key.

While hanging out with my old friend on xmas eve he made a comment that made little sense to me. “Hey, I have all new socks!”

“That’s great, Mofo. Ummm congrats?” I wondered why I was supposed to care about his socks.

“Don’t you remember my socks?” He asked. And no, in the 2 years since I’d last seen him and almost three years since we’d successfully partied ourselves out of our jobs, I’d never once thought about his socks.

“No, sweetie. I don’t remember your socks.”

“Really? You made so much fun of me for my socks. I replaced them all after that.”

I laughed. I had no recollection of this because it meant that little to me, but it had apparently been quite impactful for Mofo.

This little exchange got me to thinking about all the times people have made comments that have bugged me. Or all the times I’ve said things that meant nothing to me but may have been hurtful or thought-provoking or life-changing to someone else. Because really….all new socks is pretty life-changing, no? How many times do we say things in passing that are so much more serious to the person receiving the message? How many things have we received that were meant to just be casual comments and have, instead, had huge impacts on our lives?

Interesting to me.

Many thanks to my friend Jessica for sharing this with me. I cuh-ried. Trust me, it’s worth clicking on.

Be careful, peeps. Revenge is a motherfucker.

I guess a lot of people don’t really like change in themselves, but they love to see it in others….as long as it’s not too positive then women seem to get jealous. But that’s not the point here.

On xmas I wore my hair like this picture. I don’t know why I decided to try it, but I did. And the part that confuses me the most is where these almost curls came from! I have the straightest hair ever (I thought!). Apparently scrunching the hell out of it creates waves and I got this. And no matter how 80s it looks I rather liked it, so I wore it that way to work this week and the stares I got kinda blew me away. It was totally unexpected. But see? People like change.

The best thing about this new hair is that it takes 4 minutes. I throw in some scrunchy stuff, pull the top into a barette and voila! It doesn’t involve an hour of blow drying and straightening. And it doesn’t involve a pencil. Or even a pony tail holder. Yay. And being fast in the morning isn’t a requirement for me, but it has been the major deterrent for morning workouts. The thought of spending an hour and 15 minutes in the gym locker room trying to get my hair dry and straight kept me away. But now – I have this! This is manageable and locker room friendly. It doesn’t require me to lug all kinds of products. And keeps me from having to psyche myself into an after-work workout, which will pretty much never happen. So this is good! Very, very good.

It’s that time of year again. Time to hope and make promises and work to try to not make the goals so out there that they can’t be accomplished. This year I don’t want to make a wish list, but rather a road map. A plan that I can actually work toward and measure the accomplishments. I want it to be possible to achieve. I’ve avoided resolutions the past few years because it always seems like a waste of time to write them down and 2 days after the new year begins have no clue what I wrote or wanted.

The Canadian has already asked me to give up wine in the new year and in exchange she will give up drinking cokes, which is probably just as hard for her. I agreed. So that one will go on the list.

Of course the ever-present quit smoking will be there. That’s a no-brainer. And the gym. Ugh. But these are just the obvious items. There are plenty of other things I want to accomplish that aren’t related to those typical resolutions. Like finding community again, building the business, meeting financial goals and taking a vacation, working on my relationships with people, with myself.

Tonight I’ll start working on my road map.

I didn’t expect Alex to suggest a final conversation with The AA to really make sure things were over. Ok, so that’s a lie. I totally expected him to suggest it, but I never expected to have it. But I did. Only because I delivered some rather nasty punches with words today and shortly after The AA showed up at my desk at a loss for words, wondering why I was being so nasty. I explained. He sat with his mouth dropped open, then accused me of having unrealistic expectations of him and the trip…basically implying that I was mad that we didn’t end up in love. I laughed out loud at this suggestion and quickly shot that idea down. That wasn’t it in the slightest. I’d made the decision to not choose him, not the other way around.

The conversation left him a bit speechless, but he did apologize a little. What he didn’t understand was that I wasn’t interested in an apology. I was past the point of caring. I just didn’t want to play this game of pretending to be friendly anymore.

So that’s done. And I did end up feeling a bit bad for being so harsh with him, but I felt like he wasn’t getting what I was saying and needed to drive my point home. I”m sure that just resulted in me looking like a mega bitch, but the good thing is I don’t really care what he thinks of me. Maybe I’ll work on my delivery for next time.

Alex was quite happy with all the victories that came out of this “relationship”, and I am as well. I can see the benefit of taking things slowly. I can see how it doesn’t serve me well to jump in so quickly and be soooo sure like I usually am. I can see how not having sex right away keeps things a little clearer. And most importantly – I’m soooo done with these damn youngins. Yeah, I’ve said that before, but how many times can it be reiterated to me that they just don’t have the maturity I need before I believe it? This will hopefully be the last time. *fingers crossed*

I have a new idea for the cupcake biz and will definitely be enlisting the support of the locals, so if you are in Atlanta stay tuned. Don’t worry – it will involve free stuff for you, so it’s a win-win.

On xmas eve I hung with an old friend from the past. We hadn’t seen each other in 2 years, but we talk regularly. The first thing he said when he came into my apartment: “Wow, you’ve filled out! I love it!”

“Ummm…what?”

“You look great! I was hoping you weren’t as skinny as last time I saw you.”

“Last time you saw me? I was skinny?” I was dumbfounded.

“Yeah, coke skinny.” Ummm no. No I wasn’t. I was, ok, 20 pounds less (stupid anti-anxiety drugs!), but I was NOT coke skinny!

Diss #2

The AA: Wow! Your hair looks so great today!
Me: Thanks.
The AA: It looks so much better that way!

In my head: Fuck off.

Ok, so I did do the messy look today. And yes, people have looked at me like they don’t recognize me. And yes, I love it. But “so much better”!? Fuck you, AA.

Diss #3:

The AA: So my new roommate and I will have to share a bathroom. I had to tell him that he better keep it clean because there’s nothing…

He stopped suddenly.

The AA: I guess I shouldn’t say that. I don’t want to offend you.
Me: huh? What were you going to say?
The AA: Umm…nothing…
Me: Say it. Why would it offend me?

In my head: Because not only do I normally have bad hair, but you also think I’m a total slob? News, my friend – I *AM* a total slob. I know that. I don’t care. But my bathroom is clean, bitch. So back the fuck up outta my cube before I kick your motherfucking ass.

Whew. I needed that.

On xmas eve I met Mr. D for drinks after work. He wanted to hear the story of the cruise and I love to talk to him, so it was a no-brainer. It was nice, as usual, but by 430 pm when we left I was sufficiently tipsy. I wanted him to come home with me, but at the same time I kinda wanted it to be ok to just hang out and not have it always have to be about sex. And it was

Thing I failed to mention is we actually had sex again the night I got back from Michigan, just 2 days before I left for the cruise. This time I hadn’t had much wine and was making rational decisions. And I remembered everything. Every single lovely little detail. And lovely it was. That man can fuck me up with the sex, I tell ya. It just shouldn’t be so damn good.

I fell asleep with my head on his chest, but woke up away from him. He told me the next morning that he knows I move away from him to keep the emotional distance. He’s somewhat right. I’m also just very used to sleeping alone. We had sex again in the morning before he left.

So yeah, I did feel a little guilty at first. So guilty that I didn’t tell anyone. I just couldn’t admit it out loud or here. But I didn’t regret it this time, I just knew it was going to be harder for me to dismiss than the previous time. Of course when The AA started acting like a damn fool it made it all that much easier to forget the guilt.

He thought the story was hilarious, of course, and asked me time and again how I could have not seen it before I did. It was the same question I’d asked myself for 4 days at sea, and the answer was still the same one I couldn’t come up with.

The AA has called me every day since we got back. Apparently I didn’t make things very clear, which I don’t understand. Either that or he’s just lonely. He asked to come over this weekend to hang out with me and the pups, but I told him I’m a bit busy. Truth is busy = watching all the DVR’d holiday movies I’ve saved up from FaLaLaLa Lifetime. I have no desire to hang out with him, but if I do end up feeling sorry enough for him to let him come over then I’ll certainly be fucking with him a bit. It’s probably best that I just cut the ties instead of putting that kinda karma out there, though.

It was funny to me on xmas day when Will told me he thought The AA was going to be the love of my life…because I’d thought it, too. Sure, there were things I overlooked – like the time he said he’d bring the wine to dinner and showed up with a big bottle of Arbor Mist. Ummm yeah. I made myself believe he just didn’t know better. And there are other little things I can see in hindsight…but nothing super obvious like the Arbor Mist thing.

While we were on the ship one night we went to this quiz show thing where teams were answering questions and if you had the most popular answer you got a point. We arrived too late to play, but watched. And one of the questions was “In an average month how many times does a married couple have sex?” My answer: 45. The AA’s answer: 6. I was a bit drunk that night – my birthday – and proceeded to tell everyone in the elevator later that this dude thought 6 times a month was enough. The horror!!! The horror of 6, I mean, not the horror of me talking! I knew there was NOTHING at that point. SIX! That SUX.

Xmas day with Will, Will’s Husband, Big Bear and Jack was lovely. I ate soooo much good food that I felt like I was going to burst on the drive home. Will and Husband got me the greatest movies and books. I couldn’t have been more excited. And that’s what I’ve spent my weekend doing – watching movies, reading a little, petting Moxers, who has a new haircut. It’s been lovely.

Tonight Mr. D will be coming to pick up his next cupcake order – red velvet and better than sex. How appropriate that second dozen is! I’m thrilled that Mr. D is single-handedly supporting the cupcake business. He’s ordered more than anyone else in the past month. Bless his heart.

I’m so proud of this cute little cake. It’s 3 layers of gingerbread cake with eggnog cream filling and cream cheese frosting. Delicious! I took some pics with my real camera, but let Will borrow it for his trip so I can’t upload those pics.

I need a bakery.

Ok, I promise I’ll be done with the cruise stories soon.

But how about a picture…I couldn’t even fake a smile, as you will see. And if you know me at all you know that I’m a pretty fuckin smiley kinda girl. Not last weekend. This was taken on my bday.

Someone please put me out of my misery

“What’s that pill you’re taking?” The AA asked me and I ignored him. He continued talking because that’s what he does. “I mean we didn’t even have sex last night. I could understand if we did.”

I gave him an ultra puzzled look. “Wait. Do you think this is the morning after pill?”

“Yeah.”

“Ummm no. I’d never take that.” At this point I was seriously questioning his sanity. No, he wasn’t joking.

“You know those people at our table?”

“Who? Gina and Jack? Erica and Robert? Which people?” He looked at me with amazement in his eyes.

“You know their names?”

“You don’t?” Ummm we’d only spent 2 hours dining with them and we’d all introduced ourselves.

“No! How do you remember them?”

“I’m genuinely interested in other people so I pay attention when they talk. You should try it.”

“Interesting.”

“So you probably didn’t know that Gina is from NJ and Jack is from Chicago either, huh?”

“How do you know these things?”

“I listen?”

He continued to call Lauren “Laurie” the entire 3 days.

(Yes, I understand that some people are bad with names and I would have allowed him this out if he hadn’t proven that he’s just so self-centered that he has no idea of what’s going on around him unless it directly involves him.)

I’m easy. I’ll admit that. But when you dry hump my leg you aint gettin none. Period. Be more creative, please. Mr. D has set the bar high for all ya’ll.

And I’m a woman (surprise!)…an easy one at that….so be affectionate and pay me some attention throughout the day, not just when we’re in bed. ‘Nough said? Apparently not so obvious to the young crowd.

Oh yeah, I won a 5 carat midnight sapphire in one of those hook ‘em jewelry shops. By drawing that we HAD to attend. They say it’s worth $250. I can’t sell it for $20 on ebay.

Drinking didn’t make things seem any better, I’m afraid.

“Excuse me, what time does the Windjammer stop serving food?”

Sounds like a completely legitimate question, right? Right. Just not when you’re asking the custom’s agent outside the ship. Do you really think they keep track of that shit? Really?

“This pizza is good, but it’s not like Pizza Hut or anything. Pizza Hut is, like, the best pizza ever.”

I fell silent, staring off into space and searching for the right words. “Umm….welll…..I guess I probably thought that at 25, too…”

“26,” he corrected me.

“26. But since then I’ve had much better and I’d never consider Pizza Hut an option if I were to crave pizza.”

“Reallllllyyy!?”

Blank Barista stare.

“But it’s soooo good! It’s the best!”

I smiled a fake smile to hide the fact that I was throwing up in my mouth.

“Hey, there’s a Zaxby’s at this exit.” This was on the drive home.

“Yeah, well I don’t really want Zaxby’s for lunch. But you can get it and I’ll get something else,” I said.

“No, we should eat lunch together. What do you want?”

“I’m not sure, I’ll let you know when we get off at the Starbucks exit.”

So we get off the exit and can’t find the Starbucks. My phone has died (horror!) so I can’t even use google maps to find it.

“Ok, well I’m just going to stop at Zaxby’s,” he said.

“But I don’t want Zaxby’s.” At this point I was just being difficult because I wanted to see how he’d react.

“Ok, well you can get what you want, but I’m going to get Zaxby’s.”

“Wait, I thought you said you wanted us to eat together?” I turned and gave him the death look.

“It’s ok, relax. I’ll just get it to go and take it to wherever you want to go and eat it there.”

“Ummm no. You don’t take food from one place into another. And you said you wanted us to eat together, but now that you see that you don’t get to have your way for ONCE on this trip you’re going to do it anyway?? Are you kidding me!? I can’t believe you. This is frickin ridiculous! You can’t see anything outside of what YOU want. It’s been like this the whole time!” Yes, I raised my voice and my lip trembled a tiny bit.

“Ok, so what do you want to eat?”

“Just get Zaxby’s. I don’t care. I won’t eat. I don’t want to eat with you.” I was ready to play the “fuck you” game, then I realized….ummm FUCK THAT. I was going to eat. Why make myself miserable just to try to make a self-centered ass feel bad when he wouldn’t feel nearly as bad as I would. “I want to go there,” I said, pointing at Cracker Barrel, which is certainly not a choice I’d usually make, but would serve to annoy him enough to make me happy.

“Ok.”

I hated him at this moment. And ended up eating crappy food because I was trying to prove a point. But I did buy a cute snowman platter for my xmas cookies. Ok.

“I’m sorry, Barista. I really am.”

“Stop apologizing. I don’t want an apology.”

“Will you ever talk to me again after this?”

“Oh sure, sure. It’s not that serious.” I don’t like for people to feel bad.

2 minutes of silence and I’m back to reading my book.

“So,” he began, ” what was your favorite part of the cruise?”

Are you fucking kidding me!? The part when I was asleep and didn’t have to hear you talking incessantly? Or was it the part when I disappeared for 45 minutes to have some alone time? Or was it when I pretended to be asleep so you’d leave me alone? Damn, how could I choose just ONE favorite!?

“Ok, now in this part of the song when it says ‘LA LA LA’ you say ‘LA LA LA’ back. Ok? Now do it.” This was on the drive home.

I looked up for a second then turned back to reading my book.

“Why don’t you ever want to do anything fun? I mean, come on!”

I picked up my bookmark, saved my place, shut the book and looked over at him. Actually I stared for a minute before speaking. He couldn’t stand the silence.

“I’m serious! You don’t want to dance or sing! It’s fun! Why won’t you do it?!”

“Look. I don’t dance. I don’t sing. They aren’t things I enjoy.” I glanced at the clock, then turned the radio off. “It’s 551. For the next 4 minutes I’m going to sit here and read and you are going to think back over the past 3 days and come up with all the things I didn’t want to do but did anyway. If you think really hard you’ll realize that the only two things I’ve refused to do this entire trip are sing and dance…..two things I just don’t do. Of course you didn’t notice any of those things because I agreed to do what you thought was fun, but the only two things I don’t want to do you make a huge deal out of.” I turned back to my book

“But…”

I cut him off. “Four minutes. Think about it.”

Four minutes later. “I’m sorry, Barista.”

“Did you come up with anything?”

“Barista, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to make you have a bad time.” I kept reading because he wasn’t following my instructions. Yes, I was in full-on bitch mode at this point.

Silence.

“So, if you could change one thing about the ship what would it be?”

In my head: you’re a fucking idiot.

I kept reading and he went back to singing along with the music.

I’m not sure we’ll ever speak again after this. And I hate to say it, but right now never would be too soon. Sure, I’m saying it now because I’m pissed the fuck off. And now I have a totally new life agenda. It involves not dating. It involves throwing myself into my business. It involves not talking to The AA anymore….at least not in a dating sense. It involves hating men and being selfish and being a general asshole. Ok, so maybe not, but I don’t know how I missed how shitty this was. I guess because we hadn’t spent 4 days together alone before.

The drive down was great. We laughed and talked and had a great time. I started to blog about it, but I only got as far as saying how much fun we were having. And the first night was good, too. It was fun, we laughed a lot, enjoyed dinner and each others’ company. We were seated at the early 20s table for dinner, which was quite annoying. We had 2 suuuuper loud, suuuper drunk girls at our table who were funny and managed to scare one of the other couples away. I was the oldest one there by nearly 10 years, not counting The AA who is only 7 years younger. Ouch.

The second day is where it all started going down quickly. Or was it when he tried to have sex Friday night? Yeah, that was the beginning of the end. I was pretty turned off by his advances, but there was nothing deal breaking yet. But Saturday when we couldn’t stop at our first port of call I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to lie out on the deck in the sun and read my book. When I told him this he about had a fit. “You can read a book any time! Why would you do it on vacation?” Ummm because my idea of a vacation is relaxing and lying out in the sun watching the sea….and ummmmm…..reading a book.

And it just continued to get worse. I was talked into going to Name That Tune, which didn’t end up being horrible, but I wasn’t lying out in the sun. Then the pressure to dance kicked in. And he would. Not. Give. Up. Now, anyone who knows me knows I HATE to dance. I always tell any guy I date this up front so that if it’s going to be a big issue he can have that info from the beginning. The AA had assured me he wasn’t a dancer either, but my god if he wasn’t ALL ABOUT IT the entire time. “Go ahead! I’ll watch. No, it’s ok, really. Go! Have fun!” But he wouldn’t. Instead he tried to convince me and tried to make me feel bad when I wouldn’t. Fuck all that.

And this was how most of the trip went. He had an agenda. He wanted to do everything, but he wouldn’t just let us do things separately. He’d sit there and ask me the same question over and over and over again. The first 4 times I’d say “No, I don’t want to do that, but please go ahead! I’ll be good here at the pool.” But by the 6th time I was just worn down and saying “Fine. We’ll do whatever you want. Let’s go.” Instead of him getting the hint he said “ok, let’s go.” Ugh. Guess I had to be more direct. So I sat him down and explained that I don’t like to dance, I wasn’t going to do it and he should stop asking. He started to try twice after that, but caught himself.

Sunday was a repeat of Saturday. He had a whole agenda of what he wanted to do in Nassau. Most of it was revolving around shopping….and if you know me you know I’m not a shopper unless I have a bunch of money or something I need to buy. I don’t shop just to shop and I definitely have no desire to walk around and pick up a bunch of lame free gifts that the stores offer to lure you in. But when I suggested we go our separate ways in Nassau he got upset and said he wanted to spend the day – my birthday – with me. “We just need to go to these 4 shops then we can go do whatever you want.” Well, 3 hours in and we still weren’t doing anything I wanted. I started to get pissy, but he didn’t care. He had an agenda and that was all he cared about. In fact, he never even noticed. I asked him on the drive home if he noticed how miserable I was and he said I didn’t seem like myself. Yeah, that’s because you drove me fucking batty. Ok, so I used nicer words, but not much nicer. Trust that.

I had no idea the man was so selfish. No clue. It was really quite shocking to me. And it totally hurt my feelings for a minute….but I was already disconnected after all this, so the conversation we had after I threw a minor fit about going to yet another 3 things he said would “just take a minute” and left me standing there alone waiting to take his picture for an hour while he stood in line, was exactly what I needed. He asked if we could go back to the room to talk because he didn’t understand why I was so upset. I totally let him have it – calmly, of course, but I didn’t hold back this time. I told him how selfish he’d been, pointed out all the examples and he seemed to get it, but nothing changed.

And when I talk and someone apologizes profusely and says he needs to evaluate himself I tend to relax. But then NOTHING changed. Even on the drive home he was selfish as hell and I ended up blowing up again. He’s nice about the selfishness, as long as he gets his way, which is the part I didn’t realize. And so at this point I was ready to just go the fuck off and tell him how much I dislike him. Instead I threw passive-aggressive jabs at him and he apologized but I ignored him.

At one point he asked if I’d ever talk to him after this and I had to honestly say I wasn’t sure. It was that annoying to me at that point.

Oh, and he NEVER shuts up. Never. Ever. Like constantly talking. Constantly asking the same question over and over. I can’t tell you how many times I just completely tuned him out. It was hard, though. Sometimes I completely ignored him. Sometimes I lied and said I was going to the bathroom or something to get away, then ran off to chug a glass of wine and smoke 2 quick cigarettes. Once I took a nap and pretended to not wake up when he came to get me to go to the “Eat More to Weigh Less” seminar. Ummm…I think not.

Ugh. I feel all icky just thinking about it. Yes, it was that bad. It really was. My next vacation will most certainly be taken all by myself….or with The Canadian.

I’m sure I’ll come up with more stories of the nonsense after I escape this car.

“What is that game Lauren was playing?”

“Huh? What are you talking about?”

“She was talking last night about some game she was playing in the casino. What was it?”

“The slots?” I asked.

“I don’t think so. What was it?”

“Slots?” I asked again.

“It was the one with the quarters that…”

“Slots?” I asked yet again.

“No, the one where the quarters push the dollars and other quarters. Was that it?”

“I’m not sure. I wasn’t paying attention to what Lauren was saying, but I figured it would have been slots.”

“No, because she said she had to go get more money and left Katie to watch the machine because the bill was about to fall.”

“Ok, so if you know that was the game why did you ask me which game it was?” This is the kinda shit I’d been dealing with all weekend and it was driving me batty.

“I was just trying to have conversation.”

“By asking me a question you already know the answer to? Seriously!? You have nothing else to talk to me about?” I shook my head and went back to reading my book….oh and he of course talked the entire time I was reading. “Can’t you read and talk at the same time?” He asked me.

I raised my eyebrows and looked at him like he was crazy. “No.”

“You can’t!?” He laughed like it was the funniest thing he’d heard so far. “For real!?”

I shook my head and went back to my book again.

Another example:

“So dinner starts at 845?” This was after he’d planned out the whole night 3 times over, repeated all the agenda to me over and over and over again.

“No, it starts at 930.”

“Really?” He’d ask me looking at me in total disbelief.

“Yeah.” I was lying.

“Nooo. I think it’s at 845.”

WELL THEN WHY THE FUCK YOU ASKING ME?!?!?!?!?!

This happened at least 100 times over the weekend. The first few times I played along. “So dinner in the Windjammer starts at 6?” He would ask questions like this after staring at the hours of operation for like 10 minutes.

“Yup,” I’d respond until I got soooo sick of it that I finally started fucking with him.

Whew. I can’t wait to get home.

The Good: I’ll be tan in a couple days
The Bad: Right now the tan is hiding underneath a painful burn

The Good: I wore my bikini in public and didn’t care
The Bad: I had to fight to be able to spend an afternoon lying in the sun instead of playing Name That Tune or listening to a seminar on shopping in Nassau

The Good: the first 2 nights I drank a lot of wine, but didn’t get ridiculously drunk
The Bad: I had to drink it in order to get through another minute with my travel companion

The Good: The blue, blue water of Nassau
The Bad: it was fuh-reee-zing and The AA spent 15 straight minutes taking pictures of the exact same thing. I’m not exaggerating. I timed him.

The Good: The AA is a good communicator.
The Bad: He never shuts the fuck up. Like he talked from the shower. Again, I’m not exaggerating.

The Good: Finding out that you are not compatible with someone you liked
The Bad: Finding it out while on a ship and no matter how much you try to suggest that you go your separate ways and do what makes you happy and he do the same you can’t get that point across so you finally just give in, suck down a long island iced tea and write blogs in your head about how miserable you are.

The Good: A weekend with no cell phones.
The Bad: The inability to release all the anger in writing and instead turning into mega-bitch because you aren’t good at hiding how annoyed you are.

The Good: The food was way better than my last cruise.
The Bad: Listening to The AA talk about food constantly, complain about the restaurant not being open yet and eating 80 meals a day.

The Good: being honest about how I feel and telling of our lack of compatibility. The Bad: him apologizing and thinking things were ok after we talked.

More to come…..

If it’s an emergency you can find me here or here.

Deuces.

I’ve been up since 444 this morning and I feel great. It’s probably a combo of vacay excitement and the fact that I didn’t have any wine last night so it wasn’t necessary for my body to recover, but I woke up and couldn’t sleep anymore. Good stuff right there. I figured I should get a head start on packing, but instead I’m sitting here watching the news, drinking coffee and reading blogs.

This morning I was outside on my patio at 530 smoking a cigarette (yes, I know, I know) and some neighbors came out of the building next to mine. It sounded like they were arguing. Not something I’d like to be doing at 530, but whatever. So the woman walks to her car in an obvious huff (I’ve seen him before, but never her so she’s either the gf or a booty call). She proceeds to angrily try to scrape the frost from her truck windows while he stands there, in shorts, in front of the building, obviously just watching to make sure she gets off ok. Then she yelled “If you’re so cold take your ass inside!” I thought she seemed really bitchy, but I still wanted to yell “Or go help her scrape her windows!”

This little display made me think about how much I really want a man who tries to take care of me on some level. I thought of The AA and how there would have been no way he’d have let me do that and just looked on. Likely he would have done it himself, warmed up my car and made me wait inside in the warmth while he did. There’s no way he would have stood by idly watching….and while that should probably be a given, it’s not always like that with men. And that’s probably another reason I’m still single. I’m holding out for the guy who would do those little things to care for me that my dad would do for my mom without giving it an iota of a second thought. Sure, my dad is pretty sensitive – making homemade gifts and keeping scrapbooks of all the details of their wedding 30+ years ago….but the key is he loves my mom so much that there’s nothing he wouldn’t do to make her happy. He’s not a pushover, he’s not a pansy, he just knows who he loves and will do anything for her. Sure, he has his faults (he stresses stuuuupid stuff, over-reacts when trying to do two things at once), but all my life I’ve known that my mom was his #1 priority.

Oooh! Changing subjects here….did I already mention the super sweet sunglasses my mama bought me for my birthday!? Oh boy! They’re so freaking cute! Juicy Couture, brown with pink sides and a super cute pink case. I LOVE them. We were at the optometrist’s office helping her pick out new glasses and I fell in love with them. The Canadian got a super cute pair that looked awesome on her – in black and silver. I think they were made by Saks and came with a black case and a hot pink cleaner thing. LOVE THEM. I tried hers on when we got home and now I must have those, too. I’ve had my Coach sunglasses forever and they are a bit scratched, so this is perfect for my trip.

Almost everything is ready for the trip now, just a few more items to throw in my bag and I’ll be off. I am so excited and can’t wait to have a super fun time in the WARMTH with The AA.

When I arrived home from work tonight I was greeted by a huge sign made out of card stock and painted popsicle sticks that said “WELCOME”. There were balloons and a sweet little note from The Dog Walker and The Assistant welcoming me home. It was very sweet. Not long after, Lil Miss Dog Walker came over and we sat at the dining room table drinking diet coke and talking about her responsibilities.

Today was a rough day because I was totally exhausted and had a million things to do, a xmas lunch with my department and a 2 hour training class. All in all it was just one of those hard days to have after 4.5 hours of sleep. I didn’t even have a chance to go visit The AA, as he’d suggested last night before leaving my place. My texts were short, but this time not because I was trying to be short or play cat and mouse, but because I was just that busy.

I was glad when TDW left so I could finish my dinner, make a cup of tea and chill on the couch for a bit. I unpacked my xmas gifts and placed the 3 cute little cupcake ornaments around my apartment since I don’t have a tree. All the kitchen stuff is sitting on the counter – candy thermometer, digital instant read meat thermometer, triple level cooling racks, cupcake pans, pastry bags, a pink cork screw, wine stoppers (which I’m told are to be used when you are stopping at 2 glasses – interesting idea!! Lol), coffee, a cupcake display stand and some other fun little kitchen stuff. I enjoyed putting it all in my kitchen. So fun! I love kitchen and cupcake stuff.

Now I’m procrastinating on the laundry and watching tv, which doesn’t make sense so I’ll go start the laundry now. Ok, first load in and now I need to think about which clothes I’m taking. This is tough. I think I have at least 800 outfits I want to bring….for 4 days that might be a little much. Decision time.

But for now I’m off to bed. I’ll pack tomorrow night.

My trip home was crazy. And not interesting-write-about-it crazy. Rather stupid crazy. Like for once I had such an awesome trip home, but coming back was filled with ridiculousness.

First, my flight was delayed like 2 hours. Of course they didn’t tell us it would be, so Pastor Mom, Papa Lottery and I rushed through lunch to make it to the ‘port on time. And then it was hurry up and wait. Ugh.

When I finally arrived I found out that my bag had been sent to Tampa instead of Atlanta. Really?! I was super nice to the Airtran people about it because that’s how I roll. Now I think I should get a free ticket…or at least a business class upgrade next time.

So the sweet AA waited for 2 hours at the marta station for me…bless his heart he didn’t even complain! I know I would have. He’s teaching me stuff.

When we finally made it to his place to pick up my babies poor Moxers had been sitting in her own shit all day and smelled like the worst thing I’d ever experienced in my life. He insisted I bathe her in his tub, after she got her shit all over my clothes. He was suuuper apologetic because he’d gone home at lunch to take them out, but had gotten all the way there (25 min from the office) only to discover he’d forgotten his key. So he cleaned her cage….and my god she must’ve shit on herself thrice. Poor pup. Poor AA. He wouldn’t let me near it.

When we finished he drove me home, bought me dinner on the way and thanked ME for letting him spend the weekend with them. What!? I taught him how to say “You’re welcome” when I thanked him over and over, in true AA fashion. It was the first time I’d heard these words from him.

My Zaxby’s salad looked awesome, but those bitches forgot to put my dressing in the bag. I was stressed, tired, and commented to him across the table while I ate the chicken and nothing more that he was finally getting a glimpse of “my crazy”. He said, “I like you.” And I couldn’t even cheese.

Because it was already almost 10 and I still had 3 dozen cupcakes to bake for Mr. D. I’d called him, hoping he’d cancel the order, but he said he’d wait as long as it would take to bake them. Stressed. The. Fuck. Out. I was that. Totally. Especially when I realized my stash didn’t include the ingredients for red velvet cupcakes. I had the strawberry and oreo stuff, but no red velvet. Ugh.

The darling AA offered to go to the store and get everything I needed, but I declined, agreeing that my night would be easier if he just left. I could barely look him in the eye. Why? Because I rarely let anyone see me in a bad mood….he made me feel it was ok, but I still didn’t. I was actually totally relieved when he left and I hit up Kroger to get what I needed for the cupcakes.

Now I’m almost done baking, still have to fill and decorate, though. And the cruise is looking so great to me right now. My bag will be delivered somewhere close to midnight, so I have to stay up and wait anyway. And Mr. D will be coming to pick them up soon, so I hope that butter and cream cheese get to room temp soon!

I can’t wait to sit back in The AA’s arms and relax. I still don’t think we’ll be “together” but I think we’ll have a great time. I KNOW we’ll have a great time. And sleeping next to him will be so fucking nice right now. Even if just the illusion of having someone…..