When I married Ex-Husband it took place at the courthouse in Tampa. I wore a pair of dark brown pants, a tan sweater and flats…the first two items purchased at Lane Bryant. The last – the flats – were comfortable and I didn’t own many heels back then. If I had to guess I’d say I was about 275 pounds at the time and while that outfit isn’t anything I’d be caught dead in today, on April 17, 2001 it was one of by favorites.
Before the ceremony Ex-Husband had rummaged through my jewelry box until he found the gold ring with my birthstone that my parents had given me for my 16th birthday. Eight years later this seemed like a viable option for our fake wedding, it seemed. Later that day he put it on my finger as I purposely refused to look him in the eyes while saying the meaningless words most people call vows. I remember it like it was yesterday.
On the way back to my apartment I played Amel Larrieux’s song “Make Me Whole” because it was the song I dreamed of having at my wedding back then. Ex-Husband grimaced. I got lost in the words.
What few people know is that 3 years before this I was planning an actual wedding. Trying in dresses. Wearing a ring. Looking at venues. Picking out flowers with my future MIL. And that was the most ridiculous thing ever. Not just because I was 21, but because I was with someone I now can’t even understand how I vaguely liked.
But on April 17, 2001 I knew I loved that man. And I knew he didn’t yet know that he, too, would love me some day.
Four years later when we decided to really be together for real, for real, I wanted to have a wedding. The first vows weren’t vows, so I’d wanted to have something real. But I never dreamed of anything grandiose or extravagant. I wanted a small private ceremony in our BFF Couple’s backyard. I didn’t even want a real dress.
When I met The Heartbreaker I just knew he was The One. Yet I still never wanted a big production of a wedding. I didn’t want flowers or cake or dresses. I just wanted the two of us and some close family and friends. Nothing more. That’s been my vision ever since. IF I ever get married I wanted something simple. Very, very simple.
This summer I did cupcakes for 5 weddings. All beautiful. From the gorgeous, elaborte Middle Eastern wedding with all the bells and whistles to te simple elegance at the club in Buckhead. All bringing me the emotion of “I hope I get married some day”, but not for the wedding – for the husband. Never once did I think “I wanna do this.”
But today when I was setting up for the 5th wedding it hit me like a ton of bricks. I noticed the flowers. The table settings. The place cards. The candy buffet. The picture of the bride and groom in the lobby. Every single little thing made me teary. And as I stood there setting up their cupcake display all I kept hearing in my head was “I want to have a real wedding. Like this.”
Forget the ideas that I’ve always used to justify why I didn’t want a wedding – I’m not a planner, I hate details, I can’t be bothered with traditional productions, I don’t like posed pictures. All of these thoughts went out the window. All I could think was – I want to do this, too. I want to have a wedding.
This was – without question – the easiest wedding I’ve ever done. 2 flavors. The bride built the stand herself. Only 110 cupcakes. Easy peasy. But I realized it was what I want. Eventually.
I want to have a wedding.
I’m just gonna need someone organized and detail-oriented to plan it because I’m neither. And I can’t be bothered. Seriously.
Some day I will have a real wedding.
And here is the display for today’s wedding… As I said, the bride made the cupcake stand and it looks crooked to me, but no matter how much I, along with a bridesmaid, tried to adjust it we couldn’t get it straight.
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