lonely

The declaration was made yesterday. Out loud. To The Therapist.
I am lonely.
And while I know that hanging out with Mr. D is indicative of bad choices, as I told Alex today it’s so much better to have someone to hang out with and talk to than nobody. I do understand what Allison said at lunch [...]

scary

I woke up alone Saturday morning in The AA’s hard bed. It was 7:30 and I expected to be alone, as I’d woken up when he left to go sleep on the couch around 4:30, so I wasn’t surprised. But I was cold and awake and figured I might as well go home [...]

panic

I didn’t want to admit this, but I have to get it out.
I’m scared shitless right now. I know things are going well. I know he’s the real deal. But the stakes have been upped and now I worry for my heart.
And I worry for silly reasons.
Then I get scared and sometimes [...]

time for some calm tea

I’m beat.
I didn’t sleep well last night at all. I usually have no trouble falling asleep any time, anwhere, but last night while lying in my freshly washed sheets and blankets after talking to The AA with Cuddles at my side and Moxers all cozy in her crate I could do nothing [...]

don’t be a saboteur, barista

I kinda freaked today.  Well, it started last night and ended this morning.  The post I made this morning was telling.  I was trippin out.  I felt like I’d made a huge mistake with Mr. Delicious, and it made me start to disconnect, to freak the fuck out.
So what had happened was…I drank a little [...]

anxiety be damned

I heard my text message sound around 745 last night and my heart skipped a beat for a second. “It’s probably Will telling me where he’s leaving the key,” I thought. “Or Lil Bear.” I rolled my eyes at the thought of Lil Bear. But alas, it was none of the above. It was [...]

anxiety and anorgasmia

What a combo!
Friday was a high anxiety day, and I couldn’t figure out why. That’s always the worst part for me. I know my 2 main triggers – guilt and money. And I was feeling pain related to neither of those, so why was I having trouble swallowing? Why did I feel so off? [...]

tick tock

I think this is going to be the #1 slowest moving month of my life as I wait to move into the new place. I’m struggling with not looking at new bedding – yes, my bedroom will finally be pink, because at this point in life it’s all about me and pink is what I [...]

isolation

I remember when Jen and I broke up (haha) I felt so alone, so lonely. I missed her, I missed my Starbucks patio. I cried a little, hid in my basement apartment in sadness, venturing out only occasionally to visit one of the crappy Starbucks by me. But then the sadness subsided some. I began [...]

just stuff

Have I said before how much I love my new Starbucks?  I think I have. But this one near my job, although even further in the burbs than where I live, reminds me so much of why I enjoyed working there. The High School Musical Starbucks by my house could use some lessons from these [...]

anixety galore

Maybe I should assign levels to the anxiety like the US Government does with terrorism. If I did that today would be RED. Why?  Fuck if I know!  That’s the kicker. I can’t figure it out, but I’ve felt like complete and utter shit for the past 3 days and I cannot make it go [...]

running from myself

Bootcamp was supposed to start next week, but it seems that it’s not in the cards for April. Instead I will continue on my daily routine of going to the gym after work. I’m hoping maybe May will look better, but in the meantime Drunk Gay Clown has convinced me to give running another shot. [...]

the end of the weekend

It’s Sunday night and I’m sitting here looking at personals online. Why, again?  Why not, I guess. I just finished my grande decaf that I picked up on my way to drop my movie off at Blockbuster, and now I’m contemplating the removal of the cork from the bottle of wine I bought Friday night [...]

stepping out

One of my old hook-ups, Adonis, contacted me recently, so we’ve been chatting. It’s been over a year since an actual hook-up took place with him, but I have fond memories of that time…for many reasons. For one, we had some great sex. And I remember how much I loved that I could smoke a [...]

calma

The anxiety has been running high this weekend and I can’t figure out why. My life is pretty run-of-the-mill right now, so it doesn’t make sense to me. I’m not nervous about my lunch date tomorrow, especially after talking to Ex-Husband yesterday at length about it. I’m not lonely right now. I got some sleep [...]

laughing out loud

“You uncrossed your fingers,” I told Serena late Monday afternoon. My company had a 2 hour all-employee meeting yesterday morning, and so for the first time since last Wednesday I saw My Hot IT Guy.  He didn’t look as hot as I remembered, but probably just because I’m annoyed by this apparent little game and [...]

lil victories

Last weekend while I was getting ridiculously drunk at Will’s house his boyfriend said that he’d eaten by himself for the first time. I was pretty proud of myself for doing the solo movie thing for the first time, but aside from the one time I’d studied through lunch by myself I’d never eaten alone. [...]

I could only be happier if I were tan

“Who is the only boy I love?” I asked him as I climbed into my bed and under the covers. It was 7:41 and I was already in my pajamas – cute hot pink pants and a white v-neck. “You, baby!  You!  The white fluffy one!”
I pulled my Puff close to me as he rolled [...]

twilight zone

Is this for-fucking-real?  I feel like my life is an episode of punk’d.  And not one of those episodes where you laugh your ass off and think Ashton is brilliant, but rather one where you sit back and watch the train wreck, but compose that letter beginning Dear Mr. Kutcher, in your head begging him [...]

numb

I drank a big glass of wine from one of the wine glasses Will gave me for my birthday before talking to Cutie McBarista, and another while talking to him. I smoked 2 cigarettes during our phone conversation. And after telling him why I was so upset, and getting the opposite reaction from the one [...]