fake it till ya make it

I’m trying to pretend like I’m ok with this being done. Truth is, I’m sad as fuck today. Like I just want to crawl in a hole and cry. Not because we aren’t going to be in love, not because we won’t be making pretty babies…or doing that awesome thing we do that ultimately is [...]

party hats and hoooolihoops

After writing everything I did early yesterday morning about the situation with Jen, and then the way the rest of my day went, I realize now that part of the thing I must’ve needed in the situation was to release all of that built up hurt in writing. I needed to finally release those tears [...]

the re-stab

I never sign in to myspace. Never. I have no reason to. I don’t use it, I have no reason to. But this morning I happened to randomly click on the link, and regretted it shortly after. I saw that I had a new alert and fully expected to see a friend request from some [...]

twilight zone

Is this for-fucking-real?  I feel like my life is an episode of punk’d.  And not one of those episodes where you laugh your ass off and think Ashton is brilliant, but rather one where you sit back and watch the train wreck, but compose that letter beginning Dear Mr. Kutcher, in your head begging him [...]

numb

I drank a big glass of wine from one of the wine glasses Will gave me for my birthday before talking to Cutie McBarista, and another while talking to him. I smoked 2 cigarettes during our phone conversation. And after telling him why I was so upset, and getting the opposite reaction from the one [...]

wisdom

from the first page of the new book I bought tonight:
“There comes a time of elimination.  The Earth sheds each year. The trees and flowers let go of their identity. As the old identity dies, a new identity is born. The body sheds constantly. Some of it happens invisibly, so naturally and silently that we [...]

my friend.

trust
that should have never existed
crashing down around me
as I try to compose myself
like a death, but not dead
I lost someone I thought to be
my friend.
and yeah,
it’s too late to apologize
when betrayal comes so naturally
when it’s so easy to disregard
and show me how much I really mean to you
turn back that clock
I would if I could
wish [...]

and my heart has been broken again

This time, however, it wasn’t by a boy.  I wish it had been a boy as I sit here trying to compose my thoughts and figure out how I feel.  I’ve gone through a huge range of emotions in the past 3 hours since hearing it, and now this glass of wine just may help [...]

you just let a high guy throw away your memory box

Bart invited me over today with the main purpose of helping him with his taxes. I’ve always loved taxes – not paying them, but everything else to do with them. Mostly this is because there is always something new and always something to analyze or interpret. And they’re quite an easy thing for me, seem [...]

why is this happening to me

Ok, so I used to be a daily pot smoker. For like the past 4 years with only short breaks here and there. And by “used to be” I mean up until about 3 weeks ago when I had my first panic attack. I attributed the attack to the smoking, since I’d been high at [...]

finito

The 21 chapter has finally come to a close, and I couldn’t be more relieved. I’d barely spoken to him this week, but the last time we’d talked was when he’d asked me to hang out and I told him I was having dinner with Cutie McBarista that night we were planning to hook up [...]

the saboteur

The plans for the week haven’t gone as…ummm…planned, I’d say, and the reasons are different for each situation. On the agenda was a) breaking up with the gay not-boyfriend…in person, with a discussion and for the final time; b) sex with my friend Cutie McBarista after a few drinks to be used to loosen me [...]

when it rains…

You know how the rest goes…  And it’s true. Things have been dry for months and months, gay not-boyfriend doesn’t count, and now suddenly out of nowhere the boys can’t get enough of this. “This” being me, of course.
 
After date 2 last night with the man who will now need a name it’s quite clear [...]

sowing oats or something

Girls night started didn’t quite end up as it was supposed to last night. First, everyone was bailing.  Then we decided that instead of actually going out-out we’d just go to the neighborhood bar we frequent because of the ease and proximity to our location at that moment. I was slightly happy about this because [...]

my gay not-boyfriend

I have had my suspicions about 21 for quite some time…well not about 21, but about his sexuality. I’d find the comments he’d make to other guys, or about other guys, to be rather…well, ummm…gay. In making comments to him about it he’d laugh and tell me the same thing that I believe – that [...]

rolling

I lied there in his big black arms, smelling his clean all around me and enjoying it. It was a low-key kinda night and it felt good just lying there with him. I liked the softness of his skin, and really I just like being adored for the most part. My bad. Well I like [...]

3 times

My heart literally stopped. And I only saw him because I saw his reaction to seeing me. Startled. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he did a doubletake and was staring me down and I glanced over at the last minute…thinking I’d see some random dude looking at me. And I [...]

going home

I’m sitting in the airport, after being stopped in security to have my bag searched, waiting for my flight home. I miss my pup and can’t wait to get home to him. I miss my daily cappuccino – made properly – and I miss my bed. I don’t know what I was thinking when I [...]

the little children

The sound of his voice changed completely the minute she walked out the door. He didn’t even wait to hear the garage door close before dropping the whine that was grating on my every last nerve from the second I came upstairs from my basement apartment for another day of kid watching. I refuse to [...]

I guess…

…you could call him my boyfriend right now. In theory, that is. But I realized today that I’ve disconnected.  It bugged me when he kissed my neck and that was when I knew for sure. I’d felt it coming on, even talked to Serena about it this morning after my shift at MyBux.
I worked today [...]