starting new

I was nearly moved to tears as I walked around the big, empty apartment. Not just because it was cuter than I remembered (like most men in my life), but also because this symbolizes a new beginning for me…in a rather big way.
It was a little over two years ago when the shit hit the [...]

daydreaming

I read an article about daydreaming in Psychology Today while sitting outside behind my office eating lunch yesterday afternoon. It was saying that daydreaming can be healthy, as it’s something we use to work through possible situations in our heads, but that as kids we’re often told to snap out of it or stop letting [...]

done?

Today I ate my lunch at my desk, something I’ve been doing all week to avoid the $40 I’d been spending eating at Chipotle every single day, then spent my 1 hour lunch break sitting on the patio of my new TheBux. I love this one. The patio is nice, there’s a pretty steady group [...]

I could only be happier if I were tan

“Who is the only boy I love?” I asked him as I climbed into my bed and under the covers. It was 7:41 and I was already in my pajamas – cute hot pink pants and a white v-neck. “You, baby!  You!  The white fluffy one!”
I pulled my Puff close to me as he rolled [...]

party hats and hoooolihoops

After writing everything I did early yesterday morning about the situation with Jen, and then the way the rest of my day went, I realize now that part of the thing I must’ve needed in the situation was to release all of that built up hurt in writing. I needed to finally release those tears [...]

the re-stab

I never sign in to myspace. Never. I have no reason to. I don’t use it, I have no reason to. But this morning I happened to randomly click on the link, and regretted it shortly after. I saw that I had a new alert and fully expected to see a friend request from some [...]

twilight zone

Is this for-fucking-real?  I feel like my life is an episode of punk’d.  And not one of those episodes where you laugh your ass off and think Ashton is brilliant, but rather one where you sit back and watch the train wreck, but compose that letter beginning Dear Mr. Kutcher, in your head begging him [...]

numb

I drank a big glass of wine from one of the wine glasses Will gave me for my birthday before talking to Cutie McBarista, and another while talking to him. I smoked 2 cigarettes during our phone conversation. And after telling him why I was so upset, and getting the opposite reaction from the one [...]

signs on the highway

wisdom

from the first page of the new book I bought tonight:
“There comes a time of elimination.  The Earth sheds each year. The trees and flowers let go of their identity. As the old identity dies, a new identity is born. The body sheds constantly. Some of it happens invisibly, so naturally and silently that we [...]

my friend.

trust
that should have never existed
crashing down around me
as I try to compose myself
like a death, but not dead
I lost someone I thought to be
my friend.
and yeah,
it’s too late to apologize
when betrayal comes so naturally
when it’s so easy to disregard
and show me how much I really mean to you
turn back that clock
I would if I could
wish [...]

and my heart has been broken again

This time, however, it wasn’t by a boy.  I wish it had been a boy as I sit here trying to compose my thoughts and figure out how I feel.  I’ve gone through a huge range of emotions in the past 3 hours since hearing it, and now this glass of wine just may help [...]

i hate my life

Or so it seems, anyway.
Tonight it became completely clear to me that what I need is a job. Before it was 99.9% about the money; now it is more about the stability, structure and something worthwhile to fill my empty space/time. Yeah, I still need the money, but after this weekend, and then today, it [...]

my gut doesn’t fail me

After a particularly grueling weekend filled with panic attacks left and right I was ready for today – brunch with my dear friend Becky. I needed her counseling on the things I’ve been going through, and knew she’d be able to offer me some good advice and insight. And she delivered. I made it through [...]

you just let a high guy throw away your memory box

Bart invited me over today with the main purpose of helping him with his taxes. I’ve always loved taxes – not paying them, but everything else to do with them. Mostly this is because there is always something new and always something to analyze or interpret. And they’re quite an easy thing for me, seem [...]

why is this happening to me

Ok, so I used to be a daily pot smoker. For like the past 4 years with only short breaks here and there. And by “used to be” I mean up until about 3 weeks ago when I had my first panic attack. I attributed the attack to the smoking, since I’d been high at [...]

finito

The 21 chapter has finally come to a close, and I couldn’t be more relieved. I’d barely spoken to him this week, but the last time we’d talked was when he’d asked me to hang out and I told him I was having dinner with Cutie McBarista that night we were planning to hook up [...]

what in the world

After The Ruiner and I first broke up 2 years ago I met a great guy, Vince.  We hit it off immediately, and started dating pretty much immediately. This was about one week after The Ruiner broke my heart, and while I never thought of Vince as a rebound he totally was. He was sweet, [...]

evaluating

The objective for today is figuring out if the new guy I was dating, Jason, is trying to give me a taste of my own medicine or if it’s a classic case of “he’s just not that into you”. On the latter, Jason and I actually talked about this book on our first date when [...]

the saboteur

The plans for the week haven’t gone as…ummm…planned, I’d say, and the reasons are different for each situation. On the agenda was a) breaking up with the gay not-boyfriend…in person, with a discussion and for the final time; b) sex with my friend Cutie McBarista after a few drinks to be used to loosen me [...]