panic

I didn’t want to admit this, but I have to get it out.
I’m scared shitless right now. I know things are going well. I know he’s the real deal. But the stakes have been upped and now I worry for my heart.
And I worry for silly reasons.
Then I get scared and sometimes [...]

oh dear

Dear Cuddles,
No man will ever take my heart from you. I promise. I’m sorry I let that stupid Mr. Delicious convince me that you couldn’t sleep in my bed…when really – you were more suited for it than he ever was. And I’m sorry for the nights I have stayed out late drinking at the [...]

starting new

I was nearly moved to tears as I walked around the big, empty apartment. Not just because it was cuter than I remembered (like most men in my life), but also because this symbolizes a new beginning for me…in a rather big way.
It was a little over two years ago when the shit hit the [...]

rememberies

As I drove past PF Changs I tried not to look, and tried even harder to not let it stir up memories. But it did. Inevitably. It was where I used to go with The Ruiner, and I don’t think I’ve been back since our last dinner there.
I hate that little things like this bring [...]

done?

Today I ate my lunch at my desk, something I’ve been doing all week to avoid the $40 I’d been spending eating at Chipotle every single day, then spent my 1 hour lunch break sitting on the patio of my new TheBux. I love this one. The patio is nice, there’s a pretty steady group [...]

dating sucks

Every so often (daily) I get to this point where I decide that I’m going to give up on dating. I’m so over the waste of time in getting to know someone, the hopefulness that comes with each and every date I go on when I think that maybe – just maybe! – this will [...]

party hats and hoooolihoops

After writing everything I did early yesterday morning about the situation with Jen, and then the way the rest of my day went, I realize now that part of the thing I must’ve needed in the situation was to release all of that built up hurt in writing. I needed to finally release those tears [...]

numb

I drank a big glass of wine from one of the wine glasses Will gave me for my birthday before talking to Cutie McBarista, and another while talking to him. I smoked 2 cigarettes during our phone conversation. And after telling him why I was so upset, and getting the opposite reaction from the one [...]

i hate my life

Or so it seems, anyway.
Tonight it became completely clear to me that what I need is a job. Before it was 99.9% about the money; now it is more about the stability, structure and something worthwhile to fill my empty space/time. Yeah, I still need the money, but after this weekend, and then today, it [...]

you just let a high guy throw away your memory box

Bart invited me over today with the main purpose of helping him with his taxes. I’ve always loved taxes – not paying them, but everything else to do with them. Mostly this is because there is always something new and always something to analyze or interpret. And they’re quite an easy thing for me, seem [...]

finito

The 21 chapter has finally come to a close, and I couldn’t be more relieved. I’d barely spoken to him this week, but the last time we’d talked was when he’d asked me to hang out and I told him I was having dinner with Cutie McBarista that night we were planning to hook up [...]

what in the world

After The Ruiner and I first broke up 2 years ago I met a great guy, Vince.  We hit it off immediately, and started dating pretty much immediately. This was about one week after The Ruiner broke my heart, and while I never thought of Vince as a rebound he totally was. He was sweet, [...]

evaluating

The objective for today is figuring out if the new guy I was dating, Jason, is trying to give me a taste of my own medicine or if it’s a classic case of “he’s just not that into you”. On the latter, Jason and I actually talked about this book on our first date when [...]

the saboteur

The plans for the week haven’t gone as…ummm…planned, I’d say, and the reasons are different for each situation. On the agenda was a) breaking up with the gay not-boyfriend…in person, with a discussion and for the final time; b) sex with my friend Cutie McBarista after a few drinks to be used to loosen me [...]

he kissed me

I spent the entire day Monday talking to Jason via text, then IM, which resulted in an invitation to come visit his house last night. We’d already set a date for Tuesday night – he planned to cook me dinner after bragging about how he was practically a chef. I was a little iffy about [...]

when it rains…

You know how the rest goes…  And it’s true. Things have been dry for months and months, gay not-boyfriend doesn’t count, and now suddenly out of nowhere the boys can’t get enough of this. “This” being me, of course.
 
After date 2 last night with the man who will now need a name it’s quite clear [...]

sowing oats or something

Girls night started didn’t quite end up as it was supposed to last night. First, everyone was bailing.  Then we decided that instead of actually going out-out we’d just go to the neighborhood bar we frequent because of the ease and proximity to our location at that moment. I was slightly happy about this because [...]

rolling

I lied there in his big black arms, smelling his clean all around me and enjoying it. It was a low-key kinda night and it felt good just lying there with him. I liked the softness of his skin, and really I just like being adored for the most part. My bad. Well I like [...]

please don’t stop me from doing something stupid

I’ve been tempted all day to text The Ruiner just to say “why?”. Only it wouldn’t be just to say “why?” it would be more like please, please, please say we can get together to talk about why you really need to leave me alone while I get my fix looking into those big [...]