calma

The anxiety has been running high this weekend and I can’t figure out why. My life is pretty run-of-the-mill right now, so it doesn’t make sense to me. I’m not nervous about my lunch date tomorrow, especially after talking to Ex-Husband yesterday at length about it. I’m not lonely right now. I got some sleep [...]

I could only be happier if I were tan

“Who is the only boy I love?” I asked him as I climbed into my bed and under the covers. It was 7:41 and I was already in my pajamas – cute hot pink pants and a white v-neck. “You, baby!  You!  The white fluffy one!”
I pulled my Puff close to me as he rolled [...]

twilight zone

Is this for-fucking-real?  I feel like my life is an episode of punk’d.  And not one of those episodes where you laugh your ass off and think Ashton is brilliant, but rather one where you sit back and watch the train wreck, but compose that letter beginning Dear Mr. Kutcher, in your head begging him [...]

numb

I drank a big glass of wine from one of the wine glasses Will gave me for my birthday before talking to Cutie McBarista, and another while talking to him. I smoked 2 cigarettes during our phone conversation. And after telling him why I was so upset, and getting the opposite reaction from the one [...]

and my heart has been broken again

This time, however, it wasn’t by a boy.  I wish it had been a boy as I sit here trying to compose my thoughts and figure out how I feel.  I’ve gone through a huge range of emotions in the past 3 hours since hearing it, and now this glass of wine just may help [...]

i hate my life

Or so it seems, anyway.
Tonight it became completely clear to me that what I need is a job. Before it was 99.9% about the money; now it is more about the stability, structure and something worthwhile to fill my empty space/time. Yeah, I still need the money, but after this weekend, and then today, it [...]

my gut doesn’t fail me

After a particularly grueling weekend filled with panic attacks left and right I was ready for today – brunch with my dear friend Becky. I needed her counseling on the things I’ve been going through, and knew she’d be able to offer me some good advice and insight. And she delivered. I made it through [...]

you just let a high guy throw away your memory box

Bart invited me over today with the main purpose of helping him with his taxes. I’ve always loved taxes – not paying them, but everything else to do with them. Mostly this is because there is always something new and always something to analyze or interpret. And they’re quite an easy thing for me, seem [...]

why is this happening to me

Ok, so I used to be a daily pot smoker. For like the past 4 years with only short breaks here and there. And by “used to be” I mean up until about 3 weeks ago when I had my first panic attack. I attributed the attack to the smoking, since I’d been high at [...]

the perfect set-up

After much discussion, and laughter, with Jen last night I’ve figured out that this situation with 21 is pretty much perfect. His gayness doesn’t bother me in the slightest, and I don’t plan to help him figure it out any time soon. Instead, I’m going to enjoy my perfect little set-up…dinners out with a good [...]

9-1-1

The anxiety has lessened since getting the car fixed, and thank something lovely for my little sis for helping out on this one, so I didn’t understand why I started having trouble breathing and swallowing as I was driving to Bart’s house yesterday afternoon. I tried to breathe through it, tried convincing myself that it [...]

and I’m broken…

I took the train in today so that I could get some de-stress time in with Jen after a horrible Monday night. As I sat there in my seat minding my own business I felt all kinds of eyes on me…the old man to the left who kept looking at me and smiling to himself, [...]