panic

I didn’t want to admit this, but I have to get it out.
I’m scared shitless right now. I know things are going well. I know he’s the real deal. But the stakes have been upped and now I worry for my heart.
And I worry for silly reasons.
Then I get scared and sometimes [...]

scared to really say or feel it

This post by Babs is what first inspired this post. Second inspiration – therapy. Jesiiiis knows I need it!  And that’s why I keep going. I love it, I need it, I learn and grow from it.
So, sure – I’ve thought a time or 2 that my weight has something to do with my singleness. [...]

crazy love

I take the opportunity as often as I think about it – which is wayyy less these days than it used to be – to tell Cuddles how much I hate his Daddy, The Ruiner. I feel like he understands. And it makes me feel better to say to him, “I hate your stupid Daddy.” [...]

the fool

I did something realllllly stupid last night. Like I never want to drink wine again stupid. Like kick my own ass stupid.
I was trying to take a nap when Valerie called. After telling her about the drama when I was at home I filled her in on the new development with Mr. D. She’d told [...]

starting new

I was nearly moved to tears as I walked around the big, empty apartment. Not just because it was cuter than I remembered (like most men in my life), but also because this symbolizes a new beginning for me…in a rather big way.
It was a little over two years ago when the shit hit the [...]

i’m ok with this

Last night as I was waiting for Mr. Delicious to get to my place to pick me up I started thinking about “the conversation”…you know, the one The Therapist and Will both thought I should have.  And while waiting for him I decided to calm my car-troubled nerves with a glass of wine, so in [...]

words of wisdom

So I went to see The Therapist today, which is something I generally enjoy. Today was a bit of a battle, however. I felt like he wasn’t hearing what I was saying completely, but rather filtering everything through who I was before. And while some of the old patterns are there, I’ve grown a lot!  [...]

down the lanes

I spent the day today with Bart. I needed to do some laundry, and I think he was feeling guilty about cancelling on me yesterday so when I talked to him this morning as I was doing the patio thing again and he asked me to come over to do my laundry then go to [...]

throughout the day

it’s so great to come outside in the morning to walk the pup and see that it’s light out. It’s even nicer when it’s 830 at night and still light out. I can’t wait for summer! To be tan again…even though I won’t be able to go to the pool anytime I want like last [...]

rememberies

As I drove past PF Changs I tried not to look, and tried even harder to not let it stir up memories. But it did. Inevitably. It was where I used to go with The Ruiner, and I don’t think I’ve been back since our last dinner there.
I hate that little things like this bring [...]

off the path

I saw one of the few co-workers I speak to kinda regularly while I was standing in the breakroom making my lunch yesterday. She asked about my weekend plans, so I spoke of the date…and then it turned into girl-fest when another girl in the room got into the conversation and we all analyzed the [...]

tentative butterflies

After my horribly anxious weekend I decided to give the yahoo personals another try. I mentioned last week that I was getting to the point of even just wanting a hook-up to ease that 7-month dry spell, so I figured what the hell. You never know what could happen. So I re-posted my profile, updated [...]

dating sucks

Every so often (daily) I get to this point where I decide that I’m going to give up on dating. I’m so over the waste of time in getting to know someone, the hopefulness that comes with each and every date I go on when I think that maybe – just maybe! – this will [...]

and my heart has been broken again

This time, however, it wasn’t by a boy.  I wish it had been a boy as I sit here trying to compose my thoughts and figure out how I feel.  I’ve gone through a huge range of emotions in the past 3 hours since hearing it, and now this glass of wine just may help [...]

my gut doesn’t fail me

After a particularly grueling weekend filled with panic attacks left and right I was ready for today – brunch with my dear friend Becky. I needed her counseling on the things I’ve been going through, and knew she’d be able to offer me some good advice and insight. And she delivered. I made it through [...]

you just let a high guy throw away your memory box

Bart invited me over today with the main purpose of helping him with his taxes. I’ve always loved taxes – not paying them, but everything else to do with them. Mostly this is because there is always something new and always something to analyze or interpret. And they’re quite an easy thing for me, seem [...]

why is this happening to me

Ok, so I used to be a daily pot smoker. For like the past 4 years with only short breaks here and there. And by “used to be” I mean up until about 3 weeks ago when I had my first panic attack. I attributed the attack to the smoking, since I’d been high at [...]

what in the world

After The Ruiner and I first broke up 2 years ago I met a great guy, Vince.  We hit it off immediately, and started dating pretty much immediately. This was about one week after The Ruiner broke my heart, and while I never thought of Vince as a rebound he totally was. He was sweet, [...]

he kissed me

I spent the entire day Monday talking to Jason via text, then IM, which resulted in an invitation to come visit his house last night. We’d already set a date for Tuesday night – he planned to cook me dinner after bragging about how he was practically a chef. I was a little iffy about [...]

9-1-1

The anxiety has lessened since getting the car fixed, and thank something lovely for my little sis for helping out on this one, so I didn’t understand why I started having trouble breathing and swallowing as I was driving to Bart’s house yesterday afternoon. I tried to breathe through it, tried convincing myself that it [...]